Boundaries Undefined
by Mylisssa
Summary: High school is a raging screaming battle that's mostly in her head. She won't be happy until she has him, but hell if she'll ever tell him. She sees only deception in his deepest truths, while he doesn't know the falsehoods of what he reads from her actions. Someone has to bend or the other will break. AH E/B
1. Prologue

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Prologue**

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I'm alone again tonight, like countless times before. I know if I were to ask now, you would be here. Is it actually that easy? Yes, it probably is. It's been a while since I got lost in your games. Over the years, it's gotten easier to play along. Though it may sound depressing, I long for it; to have you tell me your pretend words, while I tell you my real ones.

The house is dead silent except for the occasional old house creak. My dad has told me a thousand times, it's just the house shifting from the weather. If that were true, then it wouldn't only creak when I'm home alone. One more creak and I lock my bedroom door and put on my head phones. Music is only a mask; I know the noises are still there. We really need a dog. Teenage girls should not be left completely alone in old creaking houses.

Being alone in this room is like being in a mental prison. This should be the place I escape from the world and relax. Instead, I get lost in my mind waiting for real life to begin. I am not saying that I have no life. I have great friends, and I've had all the life experiences one would expect to have by sixteen. It's just hard to know exactly what you want for your future when you still have to finish living your teenage years. I've had first dates, first kisses, and more. All my past memories are nice, with nothing I really regret. I wish I had experienced all my firsts with you. I should really just be content with all that I have, but nothing compares to the rush I feel whenever I am near you. Somehow, I hope I can make you realize how real these games are. For now, all I can muster are baby steps.

My heart is heavy, and I feel sick. You are either going to make it better or worse. I pick up my phone; it's worth a shot. Scrolling through my texts I see that the last one from you was two weeks ago.

_**Goodnight beautiful. **_

I am too shaky to call. Before I let my nerves get the best of me, I text:

_**Busy?**_

I stare at my phone for thirty seconds, and then leave it on my bed. Next to the black silk throw pillow you gave me off your bed when I was envious of your room decor. That was six months ago, and I haven't been alone with you since. Even that was just for school. No games that day.

I cannot spend the rest of the day staring at my phone. I need to kill time. I open my door slowly, listening for whatever lurks in the house when I am the only one here. I walk swiftly down the quiet hall, passing Emmett's empty room. When I get to the bathroom, I close the door and lock it. I pull open the shower curtain fast. I have seen too many horror movies. Really, the shower curtain should always remain open; I should make this a house rule. I go as slow as I can manage as I brush my teeth, shower, and pull out the stray hairs from my eyebrows.

I open the door to find the house has become dark. I reach for the light switch just as the house creaks. No time for lights. I run straight to my room. The door is immediately locked, my headphones are back on. The moment of truth; I pick up my phone and, nothing. If I leave my phone too close, I know I will not stop checking. It's relocated to my dresser. It's only eight, but I just want to sleep. I still have a fifty problem math assignment to get through tonight.

A half hour later, I am only halfway done, when my phone chimes and vibrates across the room. My heart's racing; there is a good chance it isn't you.

I glance at the screen: _**Edward**_. I let out a sigh of relief, but I am nervous all the same.

_**Edward: Miss Me? **_

And the game begins.

_**Always do**__. _I can play too, but I have to keep it light.

_**Edward: Me too**_

_**You miss yourself always?**_

_**Edward: Ha ha you know you are all I ever think about.**_

_**Really?**_

_**Edward: Of course. what are you up to?**_

_**Math homework :( you?**_

_**Edward: History. It's going to be a long night. Smile! I will bring you coffee tomorrow.**_

_**Mmm! :)**_

_**Edward: Back to work. Can't wait to see you. **_

Everything between us used to come so naturally. Our friendship hasn't been as easy the last couple of years. I don't know why you have become so distant, but I know why I have. My main goal every day is to manipulate situations to interact with you. I feel so desperate. Why does being in love hurt so much? I am sure to everyone I seem like a happy, driven person. I wonder if everyone that seems so happy and content is really struggling with inner turmoil.

My math homework takes twice as long as it should; I just can't focus. When I am finally in bed, my phone chimes, then vibrates. Maybe you want to say goodnight.

The illuminated screen says _**Jaspe**_**r**. An automatic smile and calm fills me.

_**Jasper: Ride with me tomorrow?**_

_**Yes please**_

_**Jasper: Perfect**_

_**Loves & Hugs goodnight**_

_**Jasper: Night darlin'**_

_**.**_

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A/N:

Speacial thanks to pre-readers Traci Snow, dazzled eyes22, and Thunnababy for all their feedback, summary, and title help.

Thanks to beta's Starpower31 and AnthroBug at PTB for all their help.

And thanks to you for reading.


	2. Chapter 1: Uncertainty

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter One: Uncertainty**

**.**

I am lost, completely lost. I want everything that I don't have. At the same time, I want everything that I do have to stay the same. Can I have everything I don't have and still keep everything that I do? It's highly unlikely, when I can barely form coherent thoughts.

I'm sitting on the shower floor, arms wrapped around my legs, eyes pressed into my knees. The water is starting to get cold, but it beats the alternative. Playing in my head are all the different ways that he could be with me right now.

_Taking the stairs two at a time, he races up here and breaks down the door. He lifts me up by my waist as my arms and legs wrap around him. Somehow, I know exactly how his mouth will feel on mine. When you are meant to be with someone, these are the things you just know. He manages to carry me to my room without breaking our heated kiss. When he carefully lays me on the bed, I reach up and__—_Huh, I wonder if the state of my wrinkled, water-soaked hands would ruin this scenario.

I turn off the frigid water when it's too cold to bear. So much for willing my daydreams to come true. Is it really that unfeasible for him to feel my pleas and appear behind me in the shower? He appears behind me everywhere else I least expect him to. I even left the door unlocked just in case.

You never really know who will be here when my dad, Charlie, is working overnight. This arrangement only works if the girls are my friends and the guys are Emmett's. Currently, Rosalie Hale is the only girl permitted in my house. Charlie would rather us have a few friends over than be out wreaking havoc on the streets of Forks. He puts himself on a need to know basis. Although, it sort of works out that if he doesn't want to know, then he doesn't need to know. Just like I don't need to know why my dad hasn't had a Friday night off work in over three years. I'm pretty sure he's not always at work. I know in his mind the boys play poker and Rose and I gossip and paint our nails all night.

My mom, Renee, has been on a break from marriage and motherhood for the last ten years. None of the memories I have of her are good. I only hear from her about once a year when I get a postcard from some arbitrary place. It only hurts when I let myself actually think about it. When she split, my dad paid the neighbor to babysit me, and a year later, he got me a brother.

At seven years old, Emmett was always wandering around town by himself, and Charlie was always transporting him back to his parents. Eventually, Charlie started keeping Emmett around longer and longer before returning him. Emmett won me over the first time showed me he could shake his eyeballs without moving his head. I'm still not sure what happened, but a few weeks later Emmett's parents fled town, and we got to keep him. Sometimes, if I'm feeling down about my mom, I just look at Emmett. If she were still around back then, maybe Charlie wouldn't have thought he'd fit in with us. There's no way to know how our lives would have been had Renee stuck around. Given the choice between a mom who didn't want the constraints of a family, and a brother I can always count on, Emmett always wins.

"Bella, come on," Emmett bellows at me from down stairs for the third time. I'm not sure why my presence is necessary; I'm positive Rose isn't here. Rose and Emmett have an on-again off-again relationship; as of late, they are off again.

The mirror is all fogged up, so I use my pruned finger and write in the corner, "I Love You!" Maybe someone will write back.

Slow deep breaths. I really don't want to go down stairs. There's no doubt in my mind that Edward is down there. Edward Cullen and Jasper Whitlock are pretty much always here. Even though I would probably be devastated if they weren't, being around Edward is almost more than I can take. We are completely meant to be together. Someday, when he starts taking me seriously, we are going to be magic. That is if he can stop fucking it up along the way.

Lately, I have had a new reason to feel nervous when it comes to Edward. Last week, Tyler Crowley asked me to homecoming. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either. I would like to go to at least one dance in high school; I'm trying not to have any major regrets. The problem is, after prom last year; Edward declared I would be his date to all future dances. This shouldn't be an issue, except I don't know if he was serious. It happened months ago, and now, with homecoming two weeks away, he hasn't even mentioned it.

Edward was pretty intimidated when Tanya Denali set her sights on him last year. We were sophomores, and she was a senior, but that didn't stop her. Edward did his best to avoid her; I even got to save him a few times. When I asked him why he didn't like her, he claimed she was mean, and when I told him she was really pretty, his answer was "Yeah, if you like big teeth."

Several times he said that if I were his girlfriend he probably wouldn't have to deal with her. Had he ever asked me directly I would have said yes. Even if it was just to deter Tanya. Maybe it would have pushed us to the next step, but more likely, it would have pushed Tanya to be even more relentless.

Tanya ended up announcing he would be her prom date at a charity function, in front of their parents. I know he was stuck. Her parents were thrilled, and Edward always clams up in awkward situations. Nevertheless, it still hurt that he went through with it; something died inside me when he came over the next day with a dark hickey on his neck. It became even worse yet, when Charlie laughed and gave him a pat on the back.

Although his night with Tanya seemed to be a complete success, when no one else was around, he stated that I would be going with him to all future dances. I was thrilled at first, until I realized I was either an excuse to keep away from aggressive girls like Tanya, or he wasn't being serious. My dreams of a future with Edward have been tainted ever since. Some wounds never fully heal, and when I'm around Edward it's like I have an unclosed gash.

I slip on a tank top and loose pajama pants, and head downstairs. As expected, Edward and Jasper are the only ones here. I tried having Jessica Stanley over once. We woke up to Edward yelling at three in the morning. Apparently, Edward isn't a fan of waking up to someone gnawing on his ear. Jessica was mortified; _Cosmo_ had claimed it was a tried and true seduction technique. Her embarrassment hasn't stopped her from begging to come back over every chance she gets. That's never going to happen. I also no longer consider her a friend; she may not have been aware of my feelings for Edward, but I have to deal with enough stupid girls and their tricks.

In the kitchen, Jasper is pouring shots from a water bottle filled with whatever he was able to skim from his mom's liquor cabinet. I'm not into drinking, but I taste it. Spicy cinnamon coats my tongue, and then sets my throat on fire. It's not as bad as other drinks I've tried, but I don't want more.

"Why did you need me down here so badly?" I ask Emmett.

"I got you your favorite pizza." Sure enough, amongst the boxes of pepperoni is a Margherita pizza. Oh, what a charmer; he definitely wants something.

"And why did you do that?" What does he want me to tell Rose for him this time?

"What do you mean why? It's your favorite. I ordered pizza, so I got you your favorite." Sure, Emmett, you are always so considerate.

The arms that engulf me from behind aren't the ones I long for, but I would never turn them away. "Edward got the pizza." Jasper says as I lean back against him. Being close to Jasper is the safest place I've ever been. He's affection without nervous expectation. We've both had a lack of physical contact in our family situations, which is why I think we've always been drawn to each other in this way.

"Thanks for the pizza, Edward."

"Only the best for you." He is sitting at the table messing with his phone.

"What are we doing tonight?" I ask.

"Is Rosie coming?" Emmett asks in return. Emmett looks hopeful, but it won't be so easy to get her back this time. Last week, at Jasper's gig, he let some girl named Carmen write her number on his arm, and then the big fool forgot about it. Dimples only take you so far. He's going to have to really earn her forgiveness this time.

"No. Sorry, Em." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I can't change the truth.

Honestly, it's crazy that Charlie lets Rose stay here anyway; yeah, she's my friend, but come on. There is no way he doesn't know that Emmett and Rose hook up. He just doesn't care. I've noticed the way he pats Emmett's back every time Rose is mentioned. I bet if he knew how often I hook up with Edward inside my head or if he knew how often Jasper sleeps in my room, he wouldn't allow co-ed sleepovers to continue.

"Fine, we're just going to play a game." By a game, he means Xbox and a first person shooter. Sure enough, a game I can't even pretend to want to play.

"What's wrong?" Jasper asks so only I can hear. He worries about a lot, so he should never have to worry about me.

"Just girl stuff." Which is true. I doubt he would understand.

"Let's go hiking tomorrow, really early, before the sun comes up." Jasper recently introduced me to the clarity of the mind when the only sounds are that of nature. Maybe I could benefit from clearing my mind for a while.

"Yeah, just wake me up." Jasper twirls me like a ballerina out of his embrace.

Emmett plops himself down on the recliner; one of these days, it's going to break from his massive weight. Jasper and Edward take over the couch—boys are rude. Edward looks at me with raised eyebrows as he pats the barely there space next to him. I hope I appear nonchalant as I shake my head, roll my eyes, and grab the bean bag chair out of the corner.

As usual, I steal glances at Edward as often as I can get away with. I wish I had the guts to just go sit with him, or on him, whatever works.

I'm considering getting something from the kitchen. I know if I do, I have a ten percent chance of Edward following.

There was a time we used to all sleep right here in this living room: back when Rose was more mine than Emmett's and before I got overwhelmed whenever I was within two feet of Edward. Most nights, Edward slept next to me on the floor. He would run his hand over the tips of my fingernails and tell me all his dreams. Eventually, he started bringing my fingertips to his lips, rubbing them back and forth until I started tracing them on my own. When we were thirteen, I realized this was more than just comforting. I started imagining him kissing my fingertips, and I wished he would trace my lips too. He never did— he would just fall asleep. I started staying awake longer and longer after he fell asleep. My stomach would feel all fluttery, and I would just will him to wake up, lean forward, and kiss me.

Soon after I realized I had a crush on Edward, he started professing his love for me. At first it was cute comments that made me blush. When he would say things like, "I'm going to marry you someday," and tell me how amazing, beautiful, and perfect I was, I felt warm and giddy inside. I was sure he would ask me to be his girlfriend soon, but he never did. Instead his comments became weird. Sometimes they were still sweet, but usually they just sounded like a joke.

The first time I was hit with one of Edward's jokes was also in this living room. I had just got back from walking the neighbor's dog. Emmett, Jasper, our old neighbor Paul, and Edward were all goofing around.

Edward called out to me, "Hey, Bella, how are you?"

"Fine, how are you?" I replied.

"I know you're fine; I want to know how you're doing."

I felt a little goofy smile at first, but then Paul started cracking up and said, "Good one."

Soon after, I started hearing the other guys use all sorts of lines on girls at school.

I went from feeling flattered by Edwards's attention, to felling like I was practice. Still, sometimes, he says something just right, and my hopes come alive.

From this angle I have a perfect side view of his face. If there was any chance no one would question it, I would trace Edwards's silhouette on the wall his shadow has landed on. His ears are actually amazing. How have I never noticed before? For the first time, I'm kind of jealous of Stanley. Edward must feel my stare, because he looks over at me. I'm smiling at my thoughts, so he mouths, "what."

I shake my head no, and I'm sure I'm wearing the biggest goofy grin. He leans his head to the side, eyebrows raised, and again, I shake my head no. His shiny bronze hair helps him do all sorts of communicating as he motions me with his head to go with him to the other room. Nobody's hair is naturally that shiny—someday I'll figure out his secret.

Just as I'm about to give in and get up, Edward gets a text and steps outside the back door. I get up to go to the kitchen anyway. Maybe he will too, when he comes back in. I don't know who he has been talking to so much lately. All signs point to he's seeing someone. I've been doing my best to pretend I'm wrong.

I grab a few stray dishes on my way out. I can see Edward pacing in the yard. He looks all kinds of frustrated. Trouble in paradise? I certainly hope so.

As I clean off the dishes, the warmth of the water puts me at ease. I get lost in a moment of make believe. _Edward comes up behind me, placing a kiss to the base of my neck, and then reaches his arms around each side of me to help me with the task at hand._

I'm lost in my thoughts when I feel a hand squeeze just above my hip. It's the best kind of feeling, almost overwhelming, the flutter that shoots through my whole body. I know it's Edward; he's the only one who touches me like this.

"You look exactly like my next girlfriend," he says smoothly before I even have a chance to get my bearings. It takes me a moment to understand what he just said. Maybe I should ask when, but then he has to go and start talking again.

"Are you going to tell me what that was all about in there?"

"Don't know what you are talking about." I feign ignorance as I push away his hand, and I turn to face him. Pre-Tanya, everything he said was cute and made me smile; post-Tanya, I question everything.

"Why were you smirking at me?"

I can feel the warmth spread across my face, and I can't help the giggle that escapes.

He is looking at me like I'm crazy, but I can tell he is amused. He's so close I can smell him. His scent is nothing but clean. Like his clothes stay freshly laundered all day. I inhale and finally understand the scent of summer breeze.

"Your ears."

"My ears make you smile?" He's so close, my heart's erratic. I focus on counting the different shades of green in his eyes.

"I was just noticing you have this dent, kind of looks like teeth marks."

"Dammit, I do not." He is frantically rubbing his ear. I'm sure he will be examining himself in the mirror later.

In this moment I feel carefree, and even though he is trying to scowl at me, our laughter is real. These moments are the reason I have hope for us. Maybe the spot Tanya marked on his neck will always make me tense, and I'll probably have to accept many more firsts he won't share with me. I know he's worth it; this right here is worth everything.

"What should we do in the morning?" He pulls me from my thoughts. I really want to clear up the homecoming issue, but I'm petrified of the answer. "Breakfast in bed?"

"Oh, Jasper asked me to go hiking."

He nods and lets a deep breath out through his nose, "Yeah, of course he did."

"Do you want to come?"

"Nope. Are you going to be up for a while? I need to go take care of something."

Our prefect moment is gone. He probably needs to talk to his girlfriend about the dance.

"No, I'm going to head up."

"Okay, I'll see you when I see you."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Bella"

Now, here I am back to lost and confused. Nothing was cleared up; we had a moment, and we lost a moment. Someday, one of our moments will lead to another moment, or maybe that's just more of me being confused. I live in the torment of a one-sided hopeless love not of my choosing, because if I really had any say, I wouldn't chose to love through heartbreak. And if this is fate, how are we not on the same page?

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Speacial thanks to pre-readers TraciSnow, dazzled eyes22, and Thunnababy for all their feedback

Thanks to beta's ElleCC and Emily-Masen at PTB for all their help.

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.


	3. Chapter 2: Lost

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter Two: Lost**

**.**

One should never walk through the woods in shorts. I understand this. Though, when Jasper dragged me out of bed at six in the morning, I could barely open my eyes, let alone make any intellectual decisions. At least he made me put on tennis shoes instead of the flip flops I had slipped on, and gave me a scalding mug of the dishwater he calls coffee.

My legs are a scratched-up, agonizing mess by the time Jasper finds a worthy place to stop.

I sit on a stump and start tossing rocks into the meager creek.

"What's the plan?" I ask.

"Since when do we plan?" Jasper refutes while digging through his bag. He didn't bring his guitar case, so I presume music is out of the question.

"We made a plan to come here." Well at least Jasper did; I am indisputably in no way prepared for this excursion.

Jasper hands me a bag of chips and a bottle of iced tea: Perfect breakfast among nature. Yeah right, I will probably feel sick the rest of the day. Now that we aren't moving, I am experiencing the full effect of how cold it is outside. It was semi-warm outside my house, but the trees are so thick that sunlight barely penetrates.

"Well that was the only part that was planned."

I space off watching the water move. I've been filled with so many tumbling emotions lately, I can't keep up. My dreams of Edward feel so close, yet at the same time nearly impossible.

Sometimes I feel like we are wasting so much time. I am so sure of the relationship we could have. It doesn't seem possible that he doesn't feel it too. You can almost feel the space between us crackling like the best kind of fireworks. And then I think about how close Jasper and I have become over the years. If I was with Edward, I'm not sure how my relationship with Jasper would have progressed. I'm positive Jasper would never be as distant with me as Edward, but we definitely would not be what we are now.

I guess for now I'm resigned; I'm not going to try to manipulate my life anymore. Of course, maybe Edward will give me the time of day if I give up trying. This might be a different form of manipulation altogether. I wish I could stop thinking about being with him. I miss the easy friendship we used to have, before the pull I felt toward him made me so unsure of how I should act around him.

Besides the sporadic plops of my pebbles in the water, the only other sounds to be heard are the flowing water and singing birds. I wonder if I'm ruining Jasper's inner peace. When I look over, Jasper is intently sketching something. He is an all-around artist. When thoughts and emotions run as deep as his, they have to come out somehow. It's when he can't pinpoint how to get them out that there's a problem. I may not like all the ways he chooses to express himself, but I'll be here for him through anything.

"What are you drawing?" I ask.

"You, so quit moving," he says, his eyes never looking up. Why does it matter if I move? He's not even looking.

When he finally gazes up from the page, he's not happy that I'm staring at him. He tells me, "Go back to what you were doing."

"What was I doing?" I ask.

"You were lost in your thoughts."

"You think I can do that on a whim?" What was I even thinking about? I wasn't _that_ gone.

"Yes, you do it all the time. Try closing your eyes."

I turn and face the stream, and my eyelids fall. When I feel the breeze on the small of my back, where my shirt doesn't quite meet my shorts, a shiver runs up my spine. In this moment, he is here. "You look exactly like my next girlfriend." The words are almost as clear as they were when they were spoken outside of my head. This time I don't push his hand away; instead, I lean back and say, 'that's because I am." It is amazing how a few changes in the past could have led to a different future. I wish I had a redo button to gauge all of Edward's actual reactions to the scenarios that play inside my head.

Already, I've ruined my plan to not think about Edward.

"Okay, perfect." Jasper brings me out of my stupor. I guess I _can_ escape that easily. "Where did you go just now?"

"I was still here. Why do you draw me anyway?"

He stares at me for a moment with a small smile. "You're purity amongst corruption."

"Out here? Maybe you should draw me in a bar or something."

"It doesn't matter where you are; it's all within you." I don't know where he comes up with half the things he says. "You know the cruelties of the world, yet you stay innocent. You have shadows on your soul, but your hope shines through."

I'm still not really getting it.

He must notice because he keeps trying to explain. "Bella, what do you hope your mom's doing right now?"

That's easy. "Finding whatever it is she's looking for," I reply.

"See, your mother deserts you, and you hope for the best. My dad ditched me, and I wish him nothing but rotting agony," Jasper explains. His eyes squint at something in the distance, and he's back to sketching.

I will probably never stop trying to understand him. I don't really fit in his world, but he wants me to be a part of it. We are both so lost inside. The difference is, my hopes and dreams are just out of reach, while Jasper can't find the hope to dream.

Sometimes, I wish I could be dream-free, not to know what I want, but I could just take life as it comes. Then I look at Jasper and know; if you don't have dreams, you have nightmares.

My friendship with Jasper has always been easy. He's there for me in any capacity I need him to be. I wish I could tell him about Edward. If they weren't close friends, I probably would. I know he would be nothing but encouraging, but he would also probably be confused.

After the Edward and Tanya incident, I was a mess. I had the delirious fantasy that when we were ready, Edward and I would experience all our firsts together. I bottled it up in front of everyone, but my first evening alone I lost all control. The tears were so hard I couldn't breathe. I had no one to turn to. Rose was always nice to hang out with, but she was far from emotional. With her, everything is cut and dry. You want it, you take it, and if someone pisses you off, you teach them a lesson.

It had been awhile since Edward had fallen asleep playing with my nails, but I decided they had to go. I cut them down as far as possible, only nicking my skin a few times. After my fit came a deranged sort of calm. I wanted to make sense of it all, but the hurt wouldn't let me sort out what this meant for my life.

When I grabbed a drink and didn't have nails to pop the tab, I chucked it at the floor. I called Jasper, but I didn't speak. I just dialed and set down the phone. I watched the brown fizz spray the kitchen floor, and I just stared until it stopped.

I never heard Jasper come in, but he led me upstairs and asked me if I wanted to talk. With tears streaming down my face, I told him, "All I wanted were the firsts and the lasts, but I didn't get to have the firsts." Then when he asked what I needed, I told him I didn't even get a kiss. Jasper wiped the tears from my face, kissed my mouth, looked in my eyes, and then kissed me two more times. It wasn't the passion I longed for, but it wasn't nothing either. There was no desire for more, just the comfort of someone that would never hurt me. Then I realized there was no going back on firsts for me either. When it's all said and done, will there be any more firsts to give? With that thought, everything just feels so wrong all over again.

My legs are covered in goose bumps. I shaved them last night but the bumps have pushed out tiny spikes. I'm freezing, and I just want to go home, so I start collecting our garbage and retie my shoes. Thinking out here is starting to cost me more than it's benefitting Jasper.

"Let's go." If he hears me, he doesn't acknowledge it. I start making my way back on my own. All the while, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I never know what it is exactly or when I go from _fine_ to _I did something awful,_ but I've done something wrong already and most people aren't even awake yet.

By the time Jasper catches up to me, tears are blurring my vision. He stands in front of me to block my way. "Bella, what happened?"

"I don't know." If I did, I wouldn't feel this way.

He stares at me for a while, probably figuring out all the answers for my problems. He lifts my chin until I look him in the eye. His blue-gray eyes are softer today. He really is beautiful. The way his blond hair curls as it grows. He never looks like he needs a haircut.

If I lived in a world where I didn't know Edward, there's no doubt I would go for Jasper. However, knowing how I feel about Edward, I know I won't be happy with anyone else. Usually I think Jasper knows we aren't it for each other, but sometimes I feel like he's trying harder to find something that just isn't there.

He takes my hand, squeezing it, and says, "If there's something that will make you happy, you need to take it. If there's anything you want just for you, no matter what it is, you deserve to have it."

"I'll try." I'm not sure this philosophy works when what you want is a person. I can't just have whoever I want. He nods then leads the way out of the woods.

When we get to my driveway, I turn to Jasper and say, "If there's something you want, you should have it too."

He flashes me a slight smile and then kisses my forehead. My eyes automatically close at the comfort, and then he is gone.

.

.

.

I'm alone in my room staring at the ceiling. There are so many shapes in the textured paint. It is almost like looking at the clouds, but the shapes are always the same. I scroll through my phone contacts to Edward's name then press end instead of send. It's a ridiculous thing to do. Before I had a cell phone, I would use the house phone to dial his phone number, all but the last number, then hang up. I only get the nerve to call if I have a valid reason.

I really do not want to go to the dance with Tyler. I'm starting to think experiences might not be worth it if I settle on whom I share them with. The boy almost ruined another first for me. I let him drive me home last week since Emmett had football practice. When we got to my house, he asked me to the dance then tried to shove his tongue in my mouth. Around the same time, Edward interrupted when his car pulled into my driveway. Tyler's tongue did not touch mine so this girl has still not been French kissed. Judging by the way Tyler's tongue felt trying to push through my mouth, I'm not sure I want to be.

Now more than ever, I need someone to talk to. I pick up my phone. Maybe Rose can give me advice on turning Tyler down.

After three rings, the voice that answers does not belong to Rose. In my surprise, I hang up my phone. You would have thought it bit me. Then it all sank in. Edward just answered Rose's phone. My chest feels tight; I do not know whether I'm going to throw up or faint. Before I have time to figure it out, my phone rings. Edward. I take a deep breath then answer.

"Why did you hang up?" He sounds confused.

"I was just thrown off with you answering Rose's phone," I try to explain.

"I'm pretty sure this is my phone."

"No, before when I called." Maybe he is with both Emmett and Rose, and he just happened to grab her phone. Neither one knows how I feel, so what can I say? Although, Emmett doesn't deserve whatever kind of canoodling is going on.

"Yeah that was my phone too," he answers.

"Oh, are you with Rose?" I have no idea what is going on.

"No, why would I be with Rose?" I'm fairly confused, but I try to keep up. Finally it dawns on me; my fake calling turned to real calling. I don't even know what to say, and then I don't have to.

"You don't have any competition, Bella, you don't need to worry." Ah there he is. Think, Bella, think.

"Is that right? I've been seeing you with Irina an awful lot." I sit up in a panic. Oh no, I do not want to know. Do not tell me.

The snort laugh he does when he thinks I'm crazy has me falling back on my bed with relief.

"She laughs at every single thing I say. I can't get rid of her." I can think of a few ways that I can.

"You're not into her? Jasper thinks she would be all kinds of adventurous." Foot in my mouth. I do not want to talk him into being with her by endorsing her slutty reputation.

"Is that what you and Jasper talk about; the girls he wants to hook up with?" Edward asks.

"Sometimes. Don't you guys talk about that too?"

"Not really, no," he responds. So pushing Jasper for information on Edward would probably be pointless.

I really need the kind of friend I can talk to about Edward; a friend that doesn't want Edward, as well as, someone who will not go off running their mouth. This person probably doesn't exist, but if they do, I will find them.

There's an odd silence and I desperately want to break it, but I can't think. I want to say I love you, or ask "are we going to this dance or what?" I want to beg him climb in through my window tonight, or tell him I could leave the door unlocked for him. I yearn to confess my desire to feel him, or how badly I want to learn all the things I have no idea how to do. There are still so many firsts I have to give. Even if he's used all his firsts, we can find something that is just us.

"Are you going to the bonfire Thursday?" he asks. I can hear him breathing, and all I want is to _feel _him breathing.

"I wasn't invited." I'm so lame. I reach for the shiny black pillow that used to belong to him. The way I rub the corner, I'm probably wearing away the material.

"Nobody is invited, just go. Hey, put your phone on mute."

What? Why? I'm confused, but I do as I'm told. In moments, Irina is joined on our call, rolling the r in Edward's name.

"I've been trying to call you all day." I can hear the fake sadness in her voice.

"I gotta admire persistence," he responds. Oh wow, there's the cackling laughter, make it stop.

He's laughing obnoxiously. I'm not sure if it's at her, with her, or because I'm on the phone. He could have hung up with me. I have no clue why he chose to keep me on this call.

"So I've been waiting for you to ask me to homecoming, but I'm not above asking myself." Is she serious? I wish I could hang up on her.

"When is that again?" Seriously, Edward, you don't know.

There's the chuckle again. "Next Friday," Irina answers.

"Oh sorry, I'm not available." He makes telling someone no sound easy. I don't think I could handle his rejection, but for Irina, I know she will just move on to someone else.

She laughs and starts trying to find a day Edward might be available. She's not getting it; he's going to have to try something else.

"Do you know Jasper?" Now what's he going to do?

"Your friend? Yes." This time she has a nervous giggle. Edward, please don't make her think.

"Well, it's not my place to say anything, but what I can say is, I don't want to step on anyone's toes." I almost feel bad for Jasper, but I know he can handle her.

It takes a while, but when it finally dawns on her, she is pretty quick to get off the phone. Watch out, Jasper, here she comes.

I can't help laughing when I unmute my phone.

"What did I tell you; no competition?" I'm lucky he can't see me. His words make me blush.

"Yeah, that was fun. I should accidentally call you more often," I reply. If it happened once, it's possible to happen twice, right?

"Or on purpose, but I was going to call you tonight anyway."

"Any particular reason?" I ask. I have no clue why he would call.

"I needed to hear your voice." His answer is automatic.

"And?" I ask for the real reason.

"My mom signed up for a baking class and now she can't go. Please, Bella, don't make me go," he pleads. Edward's mom, Esme, is a caterer. She has yet to master the art of baking.

My heart drops; is he serious? Bella, take a class for me. Come on, Bella, bail me out.

"When?" I ask.

"Wednesdays, at four, in Port Angeles." His relief is obvious.

"I have to walk the Brotskis' dog. I'll never make it." I've been walking their dog after school every day since I was twelve.

"I'll walk Roofies. It's no big deal." His name iss Roofus, but all the guys call him Roofies. Sometimes I accidentally do too.

"Okay, I'll give you the money for those days." He's walked Roofus before; he never lets me pay him. I just make it up in pizzas and slushies.

"Naw, it's cool. Thanks, Bella, I owe you."

"It's fine. I should probably learn more about cooking anyway." I should have some sort of skill to practice on Edward shouldn't I?

We say our goodbyes, and then, I'm no longer talking to Edward. I should have tried harder to keep him on the phone. I had some moments of happy, but now I'm just kind of empty. I'm back to wishing I had someone to discuss this with. Loving Edward is too much to keep inside.

.

* * *

Special thanks to pre-readers dazzled eyes22, and Thunnababy for all their feedback

Many thanks to beta's mcc101180 and EdwardsMate4ever at PTB for all their help.

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.


	4. Chapter 3: Jaded

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Jaded**

**.**

"Please."

"No."

"Daddy, please."

"It's a school night."

"No, Friday is teacher in-service day."

"I said no." He is being beyond stubborn.

"Why?" I ask. Charlie is going to learn just how relentless I can be. I am going to that bonfire and with full parental permission.

"I know what kids get up to out there. You got a boy you're trying to sneak off down the beach with?" He's not even looking at me.

Since when does he realize I acknowledge boys? I turn to Emmett for help; he is sitting at the table shuffling cards over and over. This reminds me, he still hasn't taught me how he makes the cards fly between his hands like that. I know he's sulking; he's just hanging around me so I'll give him the answers he needs to get Rose back. I have no experience in this department. I can't get a relationship, so how would I know how to keep one?

"No, I just want to make friends and roast marshmallows." I hope that is innocent enough. Charlie is looking at me like I'm naive.

"I'll drop you off and pick you up," he settles. I would rather not go. The groan that comes out of my mouth hurts my throat.

"Uh, never mind." I am being a brat, I know, I just really want to go. Edward had sort of invited me.

"Well how were you planning on getting there? You think I want you driving out there by yourself?" All his points are invalid. I'm perfectly capable of driving myself, as well as capable of finding a ride.

"Jasper can take me." I realize this was the wrong thing to say when he raises his eyebrows like I've lost my mind. It's not that Charlie doesn't like Jasper, but he's not blind to Jasper's extracurricular activities.

"Edward is going. I could ask him." Aha, I see it. I've won and in more ways than one too.

"Call him up. Let me talk to him." Charlie making me call Edward makes the call less nerve-wracking.

I go to my room to make the call privately.

"Hello," Edward answers after two rings.

"Hey, sorry to bother you. Charlie asked me to call you."

"Oh cool. Tell him thanks," he says nonchalantly. Why would I do that?

"He won't let me go to the bonfire without a chaperon, and you're the only acceptable option." When I get the words out, I feel odd. I don't want to make him feel obligated to drag me along.

"Should I draw up some paperwork or something?" I can't help but roll my eyes at his corny humor.

"Actually, never mind, it's not detrimental that I go." I want him to want to take me.

"Okay," he replies. It's one of those the-world-stood-still kind of moments.

I'm about to say goodbye when he begins speaking again.

"Hey, Bella, do you want to ride with me to the bonfire?" he asks. I can't help grinning.

"Sure, sounds fun."

"Okay, it's a date," he says. To me, it probably will be.

When I give the phone to Charlie, he steps outside. I wonder what he could possibly have to say to him. Maybe I can convince Edward to tell me at the bonfire.

.

.

.

"I'll try on two. I'm not getting one, so this is just for your amusement," I tell Rose.

"Whatever. Just show me when you have one on," she insists.

She has an arm full of the tiniest dresses she could find. Rosalie thinks that if I find the perfect dress, then bam, I'll be going to the dance.

Rose has decided that she and Emmett not being together is irrelevant to them going to the dance together. I'm looking for the just-in-case dress. I need something picked out in case this dance actually pans out for me. I won't buy one, because then when I don't go, it will just be a symbol of a hopeless dream.

Rose is the only girl I have ever been able to relate to, even though we are complete opposites. She is a perfect ten, blond-haired, blue-eyed bomb shell. Her skin is always tanned, and her boobs are probably what they model implants after. My brown hair is pretty lifeless. I don't even have different shades of brown in my eyes, and my complexion is always ghostly. I don't think I'm ugly or unattractive as a whole; I just don't have any qualities that stand out. Jasper says I'm beautiful to the depths of my soul, but to me, that means I'm only pretty on the inside.

For Jessica Stanley's sweet sixteen, I made a solid effort on my clothes, hair, and make-up. When Edward picked me up for the party, he whistled, and I had to roll my eyes; I felt ridiculous. When I told him so, he lifted my chin and said, "Pouty-lipped, leggy brunettes are in magazines too. Don't be so hard on yourself."

I'm not sure leggy or pouty-lipped are really features anyone would be envious of, but that hasn't stopped me from wearing short shorts and lip gloss every time I want to feel pretty. The occasional whistle from Edward doesn't hurt either.

The first dress I try on is a soft pink. I feel like a little girl wearing it because it doesn't accentuate anything on me. Maybe it does suit me. I step out of the dressing room to meet Rose.

When she spots me, she furrows her brow and shakes her head.

"The other one you have will be better. What do you think of mine? Perfect, right?" She twirls around like a runway model.

"Yeah, but the school will never let you in wearing that."

"So many rules." She blows air through her lips, making herself sound like an annoyed horse; she does this often. The general rules of life don't fit in to her desired way of living. I think she would be happiest in a nudist colony where she could wear nothing and not be judged. I won't suggest this to her for fear she will drag me there with her.

Rose blows me a kiss over her shoulder as we go back in the separate rooms. The other dress I have is dark, almost black, but in the light, it almost shimmers blue. The shape honestly doesn't look much different from the first dress. I don't see much point in trying it on, yet I do to humor Rose.

I didn't notice the transparent lace that reached to the lower back when the dress was on the hanger. When I get the dress on, there is a slit that reaches halfway up my thigh. It's like a random peep show, but maybe I could pull it off. I look in the mirror longer than I should and then quickly take the dress off. I just wanted a just-in-case dress, not the perfect dress.

When I step out, Rose is already waiting for me in a bright pink color I know she'd never wear.

"What happened? Why didn't you show me?" she asks annoyed.

"I couldn't breathe in the other one." It really was more than I could handle.

She's on dress ten and needs help with the zipper, when I attempt the subject of Emmett.

"Do you think you'll be around more soon?" I ask, hoping it's a neutral question.

"I hope so," Rose replies, but her smile is sad.

"If you're both so miserable, why is this so hard to fix?" I ask as I help Rose put all the reject dresses back on hangers.

"We'll be fine. It just needs to sink in so we can move forward. I felt really disrespected, and I can't let him laugh it off this time," she answers. "We shouldn't let me and Emmett affect me and you as much as we do."

It takes another hour for Rose to decide on a skimpy, black dress that is barely school appropriate. I wish I had half of her confidence.

At home, Emmett is waiting for me. I didn't tell him where I was going, but he has a sixth sense of all things Rose. I'll feel awful if I let him continue thinking she is moving on. The whole world deserves the joy of being around a deliriously happy Emmett.

"Soon, okay? She's coming around. Just be your devoted, normal self, and it will happen."

He gives me a heavy smile and says, "Thanks, Bella." I really want to hug him, but I know some guys don't want affection when they are hurting.

.

.

.

I'm not prepared when Edward shows up to get me for the bonfire an hour earlier than we planned.

He's joking around with Emmett downstairs. Emmett, who is not going to the bonfire, claims he is doing nothing tonight. I won't be surprised if I come home tonight and he is nowhere to be found. Perhaps my slight meddling triggered reconciliation.

I wanted to do something with my hair, but it's still wet, and I don't have time to dry it, so up it goes. I swipe mascara across my lashes once as I blink. Luckily, I don't have any clumps to deal with. The gloss I glide on my lips is called Kiss Me. In a dream land, that would be all it would take; I just apply the gloss and get the kisses I long for. It will be cold, but I put on flip flops because they are easy to take off on the beach.

Maybe, when he brings me home tonight, he will go through with the whole "it's a date" idea and actually kiss me; even if it's just a charade.

The drive to the beach is more awkward than I expected. Edward hasn't said anything cheesy, just random things about school and the weather. I probably shouldn't expect him to hang out with me much tonight.

When we arrive, he quickly comes around to my side to help me out. Jasper is already by the fire playing his guitar. Irina is by his side—poor girl thinks he is singing just for her. If she actually listened to the lyrics, she would realize Rosa is a name, and his song was written for someone that isn't her. Jasper had a crush on our Spanish teacher last year, but I think he's over it now. If Jasper had any long-term interest in Irina, he would be singing her a song he wrote just for her. Although, it makes me smile to see how amused he seems to be by her antics.

Jasper acknowledges us with a nod, which Edward returns while I wave.

I sit on a vacant log strategically placed by the fire. Edward sits beside me; although it's more than beside me. He sits sideways facing me, so one of his legs is behind me, while the other is alongside mine. I swallow hard and hope he doesn't notice.

I would break the silence, but I don't really want to. I want to sit here like this as if this really was a date. I want all these girls that chase after him to see him with me in a way he never is with them. At least, how I hope he never is with them.

He taps his fingers on my knee like I'm the piano he's been playing most his life. I want to do something too, touch him in some way. The fear that he will back away if I make any move to touch him keeps me in place.

"My mom is really excited you're taking that class instead of me. She's pretty sure you're going to be working for her soon."

I don't look at him; he's too close and turning my head would make him beyond close. I raise my eyebrows in question, but I realize from this position he can't really see my face.

"Well I hope my baking skills don't disappoint her," I answer.

"I doubt they will. She'll be happy if you just relay a few tips you learn in the class." His fingers keep their movements even as he speaks.

"So the other day on the phone, what did you and Charlie talk about?" I ask.

"The rules of guarding you. I guess you've had some punks sniffing around," he says as if he believes Charlie's concern is unnecessary.

"Guess I should have brought a broom," I reply. He laughs and continues to play the piano he has made on my knee. Some of the keys move farther up my leg. I think they actually go much farther up, but he is steering clear of those keys. I should draw out the piano so he can play properly.

"The way you're illuminating right now is surreal," he says softly. I should have left my hair down; I have nothing for my fingers to fidget with.

"I don't know what to say when you say things like that," I tell him honestly. I know what I want to say, and to ask, but I don't know what the appropriate way to respond is.

"You don't have to say anything, but you could say "I know", or "thank you". Compliments should make you happy, not frustrated."

I turn slightly towards him, nod my head, and say, "Thanks."

I wish I was better at flirting. Anything I do or say will come out serious, because I am serious. At least Jasper's playing fills the silence, and the longer we sit here, the more people arrive. No one has tried to talk to us; it's like we are in a bubble. Maybe I am giving off a "don't mess with this" vibe.

The energy around us is fierce. He's so put together with random disarray. His clothes are flawless, no wrinkles, but not iron pressed. There's a slight rip in his jeans exposing his skin, like a tear in the seam of perfection.

I want him to play my leg forever, but I also want to grab his hand, just so I can touch his skin. I reach over and put my hand on his, and he stops his motions.

"What are you playing?" I ask, still holding my hand over his on my knee.

"Whatever Jasper is playing." He frees a finger from under my hand and starts rubbing it across the top of one of mine. My heart is pounding, so I slow my breaths and find it in me to keep talking.

"Do you ever play with him?"

"Not since we were kids," he replies.

I let him continue his playing. The tapping on my knee and the sounds Jasper is projecting are one and the same. I envy the deep bond they share. Most of the time, I don't think they even like each other, and I barely see them talk. Their friendship just is; it's effortless.

The heat from the fire reaches my face, and I just stare into it like there's some sort of answer for everything. Sitting here in silence with Edward, everything feels in place. I'm enjoying the moment and doing my best not to dread when it ends. This is the kind of moment where I wish we were alone. There are certain boundaries in public places that may not be as certain with privacy.

After a while, the crowd has gotten bigger and starts penetrating our bubble. I'm polite when anyone says hi, but I do not engage anyone in conversation. Edward doesn't either.

"Let's walk," Edward says as he stands.

I follow him through the crowd and cringe when I see the small group approaching us.

"Hi, Edward," Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory both say moments apart. Their voices are unnaturally deep when they speak to him. They must be going for sultry seductress. I can tell Edward is holding in a laugh. Neither girl acknowledges me.

"Hi, Bella. Hi, Edward." Angela Weber steps out from behind her friends. We both return her greeting. I've never really gotten to know Angela, but I think we could be friends. She is not as fake as most of the girls around here. I catch her winking at Edward. I look over at him, and he is looking at the ground embarrassed.

My stomach drops.

The group leaves, and I stare daggers in the back of the pouty-lipped, leggy brunette I never knew was a threat. I was a fool to think he would ever go for any of the girls that throw themselves at him on a daily basis. Angela is everything Edward has ever complimented about me and more. I can't compete with her.

Despite the feeling of dread piercing through me, I swallow my pride and walk down the beach with my friend, Edward.

He walks backwards in front of me down the beach. His face is filled with happy brightness that I wish I could mirror back. His expression is my dreams solidified. The way he looks in this moment, I want that, to look like that with him, for him, for each other.

My shoes don't feel right on the sand, but I don't care enough to take them off. I hear wave after wave, and all I want to do is let them hit me. I would rather be devoured by real waves than the proverbial ones constantly crashing into me.

We are a ways away from the fire when Edward speaks.

"Are you worried about Emmett?" he asks.

I nod my head yes and ask, "Are you?"

"Yeah, he's like a walking shell." His features show concern, but it's not weighing him down.

"Rosalie bought a dress for homecoming, so it should be any day now." I've broached the subject of homecoming. Mow, when I will under no circumstance be going.

Edward nods. "Yeah that's coming up, huh?" He continues before I can answer. "I know I had said I wanted to go with you, but I wasn't sure if you even wanted to go."

_Don't worry, Edward. You are under no commitment when it comes to me. _

"Well Tyler asked, so..." At this point, I still will not be going with Tyler. When I look in Edward eyes, I see, somehow, I have offended him.

"Are you serious? Tyler. Were you going to tell me? Never mind, it doesn't matter. Not even Jasper, but Tyler. I would get it if you wanted to be with Jasper. I'm sure he would give up the girl of the week for you, but Tyler?" Edward rambles on in the most serious voice I've ever heard from him.

I'm not interested in Tyler, but what's so wrong with him. I can't help the tears filling my eyes; one blink and they will fall.

"I'm sorry, you didn't say anything else, and I waited, but you never said." I stop before I blubber out any words I may regret.

"It's fine, can we just go?" he asks.

I agree, and before my thoughts make sense, he is dropping me off at home.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" I ask with hope.

He nods but doesn't look at me.

I walk by myself into the house. Charlie and Emmett are passed out in front of the television. There is no waking up either of them. I reposition Emmett's neck and drape a blanket over Charlie. Emmett's body temperature rises in his sleep, so it's better not to put a blanket on him. I grab the remote to power off the infomercial projecting from the screen.

As soon as I close my bedroom door, I collapse to the ground.

My sobs are silent; it's as if I started a relationship and lost it all in the same night. I don't even know what I could have done to make this go right.

.

* * *

Special thanks to pre-readers dazzled eyes22, and Thunnababy for all their feedback

Thanks to beta's mcc101180 and EdwardsMate4ever at PTB for all their help.

Thanks LJ SUmmers with EBS for betaing the last teaser.

Thanks Bells. Just Bells for the parent teenager argument idea in the adf cooking campfire.

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews. There are some some guest reviews and ones with PM's turned off that I couldn't reply too, but Thank You.


	5. Chapter 4: Seventeen

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Seventeen**

**.**

I make coffee every morning; the whole process is very soothing. The aroma is intoxicating, and I love the sound. Our coffee maker is ancient, so it sounds like a hurricane in our kitchen. There is just something about it that centers me, as it drowns out the rest of the world. When it's ready, I pour it in a mug and inhale. I breathing out, I plug my nose and gulp down as much as I can stand. Coffee is an acquired taste that I am still working on acquiring. I find it very off-putting when a scent and taste don't match. It may just be my limited resources because when Edward brings me coffee from his house, it's like liquid Almond Roca. Unfortunately, it's doubtful Edward will be bringing me coffee anytime soon. If last night is any indication, Edward is seriously mad at me.

I want to fix whatever happened between us last night, but I'm not sure how to go about it. In the grand scheme of things, there is so much more going on than just a dance.

Charlie walks in and grunts at me before pouring coffee for himself. He thinks I'm lying about not having school today. I wish he would just check, instead of pretending he's giving me the benefit of the doubt.

"When do you have to be at the station?" I ask as I rinse out my own cup.

"In about an hour," Charlie replies over his mug.

"Oh, so an all-day and night shift again?" _Go ahead and lie to me, Dad._

"I'll be home in the morning. We'll catch a movie or something if you kids are free."

I throw a sandwich together, so Charlie doesn't have to eat at the diner again. Then I spend the morning doing chores around the house and make a list for Emmett of the ones I don't feel like doing. (His list is short, so I should only get minor grumbling.) Next, I spend hours on an essay not due for a week. I keep my mind busy, so I won't dwell on things that are out of my control. I can't make Edward love me, and I shouldn't have to convince him to take me seriously. All I can hope for is that right now is just the wrong time and place for us.

I sit in my room alone. My door is closed and locked. I do something I don't let myself do often. I lie down on the floor on my stomach, next to my bed, and reach far back to an album that is almost out of reach. I've made other family albums—that aren't hidden of Emmett and my dad. Jasper, Edward, and Rose are in some of those too.

The album I slide out now is just for me. If I wasn't one for forlorn hope, I would just quit adding to it and burn it.

Seventeen. In ten years, I have received seventeen postcards from my mother. The oldest ones have bent-up corners from being handled so much. The most recent one is the best and worst. She sent it from California last year, just before Christmas. I ripped it to shreds after I read the back, and threw it away. I spent the next day carefully piecing it back together, but with all the tape and tears the writing is not legible anymore. Whether I want to or not, I'll never forget what it says.

_**You are my brightest sunshine.**_

I cannot analyze her intentions, or I'll give myself false hope and lose the ground I gained when I accepted I was a burden she needed to be free of.

I don't leave my room until it's dark, and I need to eat. When I get downstairs, I'm not surprised to find Emmett and Edward are electronically boxing. Neither one of them is into the game; both are wearing the same sad expression. I wonder if I'm wearing the same face.

Jasper isn't here because his mom wanted him to stay home. I can't remember a time she's asked him to stay before, so hopefully it's a good thing.

I pop frozen lasagna into the microwave. Although it would be better in the oven, I don't have that kind of time.

I don't want to spend my night in this depressing pit of an existence I've found myself in, so I call in a reinforcement to shake things up a bit. She said she didn't want her relationship with Emmett to interfere with us, and luckily Rose agrees to sleep over without much pleading.

When the lasagna is done, I make three plates, and bring Edward and Emmett one each. They at least pause the game for food.

Edward holds eye contact with me as he takes the plate and says, "Thanks, Bella."

He doesn't smile, and he looks miserable. Even miserable he's beautiful, but I would give anything to hear his one of his pretty lines, and see his flirtatious smile. I know our argument couldn't have put him in this much of a funk.

"Are you okay?" I ask Edward, and he nods slightly in response—a sure sign he's definitely not okay.

"Can we talk later?" I ask. I'll have to come up with something to say, but a plan to talk in the first place is a start.

"Yeah," he replies with a slight smile.

I turn to Emmett "Hey, Em, I have a friend coming over, so maybe you should work on your personal hygiene," I warn, and his face lights up when he gets what I mean.

I eat out on the front porch swing and wait for Rose to arrive. As much as I'm trying not to, I'm still mourning the relationship with Edward that never was. Life events keep making our inevitable relationship more unlikely. If time will tell, then time isn't on my side.

It's actually really peaceful out here in the dark, but it might be scary if I didn't know Edward and Emmett were within screaming distance. I could have sat on the swing with Edward in the early stages of a relationship that didn't yet require too much privacy, but still required quiet moments alone together. We could hold hands and talk about nothing important, just asking the questions that our current undefined relationship doesn't allow us to ask. The thought makes me want to ask him to sit outside with me for a while, but I don't.

Just as I start longing for his shoulder to lean on, I'm blinded by headlights coming up my driveway. When Rosalie emerges from her car, she slings a backpack over her shoulder. Even simple acts like these that are done with a finesse that just makes Rose naturally intimidating.

"Why did you get all dressed up?" I gaze up and down at the pantsuit Rose is wearing.

"Shut up. I was at a dinner meeting with my mom. I need to change." She grabs my hand and rushes me upstairs to my room. I'm sure Emmett will be a deer caught in headlights for a long while.

"So what should we do?" she asks as she strips off her clothes and slides into a purple slip of a nightgown.

"I need your help. Tyler asked me to the dance, and I don't know what to do," I admit.

She bites her lip, and then says, "Oh, so you're going?"

"No, but I don't know how to tell him no. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't really want to lie, either." Lying has never been one of my strong points. I'd lie though my teeth if I could get away with it, but no. I'm stuck being forever honest, or trying to get out of answering questions altogether.

"Oh, good," she sighs in relief. Although, I don't see why —Tyler is decent, just not for me. I wonder if Edward's and Rose's negative reaction to Tyler are for the same reasons.

She walks over to my bed and sits down. It's impossible not to notice that the bottom curves of her ass hang out of her gown with every step she takes. If I notice without intending to, I don't know how Jasper and Edward don't check out the body she is so willing to show off. Maybe they are too scared, of her, or Emmett —or both.

"Call him now. Just tell him you're not up for going, or tell him you're going to be on your period, so he won't ask questions. No wait —I'll do it, let me call him." Rose is getting excited as if she lives for being a heartbreaker. Not that I could break Tyler's heart, but I may bruise his pride. I admire that he put himself out there and asked. It's more than I can say for myself, even if he did grossly lick me after asking.

"I'll do it—don't talk," I tell her like I'm scolding her already; I'm afraid her goal is to make the guy cry.

"Put it on speaker," she whispers. I do so that she'll keep quiet. This is embarrassing, but at the same time, I need her support and her pushy nature to keep me from backing out.

"Hey, Bella," Tyler answers.

"Hi, I was just calling to talk to you about the dance." Getting this over quickly is the best thing for my nerves.

"Yeah, about that. I'm going with Lauren now, but if you wanted to go, we could still work something out," he drawls, dragging out every syllable.

Now I'm the deer caught in headlights. _What would we work out? I __don't__ care, go with Lauren. But he did ask me. He also said it was fine for me to take some time to decide. I __can't__ believe I actually considered going with him._

I guess I'm no different, since I was waiting for Edward. I should have just said no from the start. Now, how do I get off this call with dignity?

"That little shit, give me the phone," Rose screeches as she takes it out of my hands.

"_Who the fuck…?"_Tyler says, evidently startled.

"Oh, don't 'who the fuck' me, kid. Just know this: never in a million years would Bella have gone with you. The only thing she's guilty of is having the decency to not humiliate you, but what you deserved was to be told directly to your face that there was no chance in hell she would be caught dead with the likes of your little punk ass," she spouts off.

I grab the phone out of her hands. "Yeah! What she said." I press end and throw my phone on my bed.

That deer in the headlights look, yeah, I still have it. And then, because she rules the world and just knows things, Rose walks over to my door and pulls it open. Emmett stumbles into my room. He was so obviously eavesdropping, he might as well have been holding a glass to his ear. I wish Edward was outside my door as well, so we could have made a party of it.

"Do I need to hurt someone, or do you have it under control?" Emmett asks.

Rose is speechless; she is looking everywhere but at Emmett.

"I think we're good. Thanks for checking," I tell Emmett. He leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

"Does that solve your problem?" Rose asks, and I can tell she wants to go after Emmett, but she doesn't want to leave me hanging.

"I'm good, go," I tell her, because I don't think I'll be ready to tell her my real issues anytime soon.

"Do you think he's moving on?" Rose fidgets with the hem of royal-colored fabric.

I laugh, because it's the most ridiculous question.

"Just go talk and make up, but most importantly, don't tell me about it." I motion toward the door.

She gives me a big, bright, smile, flips her hair over her shoulder in preparation, and walks out with her head held high. Maybe if you portray yourself as confident, you can actually can be.

I try walking with confidence while alone in my room, but maybe Rose has an inner mantra I'm not aware of.

When the house seems dead, I sneak downstairs for a glass of water. I don't turn on any lights, but I avoid any shadows that look like monsters. As I approach the kitchen, I look down the hall that leads to the front door. The door of the den —that has become Edward's room when he's here—is closed with the crack beneath pitch black. He must be asleep. It looks as though we won't be having that talk I asked for.

I drink my water slowly, standing in the kitchen. I know once I lie down, the dark thoughts I've kept at bay will creep up and consume me.

I set the glass in the metal sink carefully, but it still clanks. When I turn around to head back upstairs, I'm startled by a figure blocking my way. When I catch my breath, I see it's Edward.

"Why are you in the dark? Are you okay?" he asks, quietly.

I want to lay it all out there and tell him everything. I want to know with certainty that he doesn't want me, because of the slight chance that he does. I want to do a lot of things that I don't. I'm a coward.

"I'm okay. You seem upset, though. What's up?" I ask, and he walks toward me until he is so close I can touch him.

"I'm sorry I got angry at you. I should have discussed things and not made my own conclusions. I also don't want to tell you what to do, or make you question your decisions." His forehead scrunches with worry. I want to smooth out all the furrows on his face.

"It's not all your fault. I should have talked to you. I wanted to. I just didn't know how." I don't want to say everything; I just want him to know I share the blame, even if we have different views on what the problem is.

"Why? I don't want that. You used to talk to me all the time. What changed?" he pleads, and I know if he realized what he was doing to me he would do all he could to make this right in a heartbeat.

There is so much I want to say .We were close to starting our forever —I could see it—but he had to go out with Tanya. And even though he claimed not to like her and stuck by me, he let her touch him and—whatever, I don't want to know what all happened. He wasn't mine, so maybe I shouldn't feel betrayed, but I do. He felt no guilt, no shame—just thought the world was fine to continue on. For me it's not the same. And now, with all the things he says to me, he is still interested in someone else. He doesn't know how I feel about him, but I hold it all against him anyway.

He looks so vulnerable, and I want to fix it, to tell him we're good and we just need to hang out more. We can still have the silly fun we used to. But I can't lie about something I won't be able to follow through with.

"I... I can't tell you." Tears fall out of my eyes. My chest is tight and heavy. This is overwhelming.

Any dreams I've ever had of confessing my love won't work now, when just yesterday I saw him blushing over someone else. It feels like a bee sting burning long after you are stung and every reminder burns like the stinger has stuck you again.

I try to flee, but he's in my way and won't move.

"Bella, please tell me. Come here, don't cry," he says reaching out and wrapping his arms around me. I didn't know crying would trigger him to hold me.

I'm sobbing now, and he's just holding me in place. This is the Edward I love, more so in these moments when I know he's sincere. The world keeps spinning around us, and I just hold on for my life.

"What did I do?" His voice is full of concern.

I don't tell him. I just hold on and try to feel him so close, but I'm letting out all the inner pain I never speak about. I have no focus, just a rush of belligerent release.

"I'm so sorry. Shh. It's okay. Please just tell me, so I can fix it," he soothes, pulling my hair out of my face.

I'm calming down, but am having trouble catching my breath.

"That's the problem; you can't fix it for me. It is or isn't. You can't change so that I'm happy, because then it's not true," I say into his neck, without caring that he has no idea what I'm talking about.

"Okay, but if this is about Tyler, don't worry about what I said, just go. I was just caught off-guard. It's cool," he says as I start to let go and look at his face. He means it. His words are like popping a sour candy in your mouth when you were expecting something sweet. Go ahead, Bella, go to Tyler. I just give you dreams so I can crush them, even if I don't know.

I know my stare is cold as I step away from him and say, "Cool."

I walk away and don't look back; let him be confused. He's been confusing me for years. This perfect fairytale dream that I keep trying to convince myself can still happen, is never coming true.

I throw his damn pillow on the floor; I shouldn't have it in the first place. I curl up on my bed, my eyes and nose uncontrollably leaking. For what seems like hours, I drift in and out of sleep.

At some point I hear fingers tap on my door —Jasper.

I fall asleep and wake up, pinned down claustrophobia. Jasper is comfort, but he always holds too tight. I can't breathe, so I loosen his hold around my torso, immediately waking him.

I roll over to face him. "I thought you were staying home."

"I was, but Edward called, so I came. Will you tell me what happened?" he asks. It's still dark out; I can barely see his face. Edward cares enough to send me Jasper, but doesn't know me well enough to know _he's_ who I really need..

"Soon, okay I just want to sleep." He wraps around me again, and I wait for him to fall asleep.

When his breathing evens out, I get his arm off me. How anyone can sleep so crushed against someone is beyond me. I try to relax, all the while knowing he'll resume his previous position at some point in his sleep. The peace he brings me is worth the suffocation.

.

* * *

Special thanks to pre-readers dazzled eyes22, and thunnababy for all their feedback

Thanks to beta's mcc101180 and EdwardsMate4ever at PTB for all their help.

Thanks EBS for all the last minute help.

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.

My Pick a Pic Challenge One-shot entry is now posted.


	6. Chapter 5: Alice

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Alice**

**.**

Everyone is twittering around like humming little birds. They are all so happy holding hands, hugging and kissing as they part for their next class. Some of them find a private corner; others stop right in front of anyone whenever the mood calls.

I'm a hypocrite because annoying as they are, I wish I could be more like them. They have an easy kind of affection. How do they get that way? A guy asks a girl if they are interested, and the other says yes. And vice versa. I've been asked out a few times; I've just never said yes. I scan the halls for Edward, and he's nowhere to be seen. I really haven't seen him around much all week.

My printer at home has been broken for a while, so I head to the library to print out an assignment that's due today. I should have gone this morning, but Emmett almost made me late for school. A few months ago, Charlie bought us an old truck to share. However, Emmett always drives it. Well today, I need to drive myself to the baking class right after school. Emmett has a million teammates and a girlfriend who could easily give him a ride home, but no; he is a baby and disregards everything I say. I won eventually, and was left with just enough time to run to my first class.

I go straight to the computers, so I don't have to miss my whole lunch. I log into my email to find the attachment and print it without any trouble. I log out of the computer and stand up to reach for the printer. Instead, I quickly fall back on the hard, plastic chair. Within earshot, I see Edward and Angela exchanging and putting away papers they must have just been working on. If he hadn't been so nervous around her the other night, I would think this was innocent and go say hi. Fortunately—or unfortunately—I know better.

"Don't forget to call me if... you know," I hear Angela say, but I don't look.

"I won't, don't worry," Edward reassures her with a laugh.

"Maybe Bella will want to double date." Angela snorted through her chuckles. No. _Don't you dare bring me into this._ If there was someone here to hold me back I'd try to tackle her. This is torture; please leave so I can get out of here.

"Yeah, maybe." Edward says, because he is clueless. They walk out together.

I leave the library without grabbing my paper, and have to run back for it. So much for lunch, and the rest of this damn day, for that matter.

.

.

.

I'm practically alone in an empty classroom. The few people that are here are definitely much older than me. Despite everything that's happened with Edward, I'm still attending this baking class. Not for him, but for Esme. The only glimpses I've had of having a mom were from Esme, although she doesn't fully understand the lack of parenting I've had. Sometimes, she questions me about personal things to see what I'm missing. Without her, I never would have switched from pads and training bras, to tampons and underwires.

If I could think on the spot, I would have only agreed to this if Edward took the class with me. I didn't, and now I have to try to remember how to bake the perfect cake for Esme. Unfortunately, it looks like today we are focusing on cookies.

I send a quick text to Edward to remind him to walk Roofus.

**Edward: Already on it**

That's it, no nice words.

When the demonstration begins the seat beside me remains empty. Most of the women in this class have enrolled with a friend or five. _I might as well keep taking every opportunity I can to isolate myself._

The teacher is a short, round, joyful woman. At least, cooking and teaching this class seem to be something she enjoys. Nevertheless, every time she licks her fingers during her demonstration I hope she doesn't try to make me eat anything she makes. Luckily, it seems we will eat only what we make ourselves.

The stirring is actually therapeutic, almost hypnotizing. Esme has taught me how to brown hamburger, scramble eggs, and knead dough. From that, I figured out how to put together spaghetti and tacos. Charlie can fry or barbeque, but we primarily stick to frozen dinners or pizza. So far, making cookies is easy; maybe if I spent more time doing it I might actually like cooking.

As I'm dropping my dough on the cookie sheet by the spoonful, I feel a presence before I see someone standing beside me. My jump is internal; it's not a shock, just a slight break from my daze.

"Hi," I say and try for what I hope is a friendly smile.

I'm surprised to see a girl who appears to be about my age. She's pretty, but not in a usual way. She's girl-next-door meets exotic. Her hair is a bit darker than mine, chin length, and purposely flipped out, spiked all over.

Her smile lights up her whole face. "Hi, can I join you?"

"Yeah, sure. Did you just get here?" I pull the stool beside me out for her.

"Yes, I'm usually beyond fashionably late." She sets her large purse on the floor and sits down.

"I'm Bella." I extend my hand to her and she lightly shakes it.

"Wow, really? That's like perfect, I love it." Really, it's just a name, but I can't help but smile wider when she does. "I'm Alice."

"If you want, you can drop some dough on the cookie sheet by the spoonful." I push the cookie sheet and bowl of dough her way.

She takes over the task and swirls the tops of each dough ball after it drops. As she twirls the spoon, she says, "Woo woo." Maybe she's transforming the cookies into a carnival ride. I bite my lip to hold in my laugh.

"So do you go to school here in Port Angeles?" I ask Alice.

"No, we knew we'd be moving after school started, so I'm doing online high school this semester. I actually live in Forks." She scrapes the remainder of the dough from the bowl to make one last cookie.

"Me too." I'm sort of shocked to meet someone who will be going to school with me in such a random place.

"Yeah? I just moved, like two weeks ago, from Boston. I'm so excited that we will go to school together." Her whole face beams, and she bounces in her seat.

We talk about school and her friends back in Boston, until the cookies are finished baking and the class is over.

"Hey, Bella? Do you need to get home, or can you stay awhile and eat all these cookies with me?"

"I can stay." I'm thrilled that she asked. We climb into the bed of my truck, and sit down even though it's full of leaves.

Alice pulls a Coke from her purse, twists the cap off, and gulps it. Then she hands it to me. I've never shared a drink with someone. I don't want to imply that I think she has germs or something, so I take the bottle and take a small drink.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" Alice mumbles with half of a cookie in her mouth.

"No. Do you?" I wait to take a bite until after I speak.

"Not anymore. There was this guy, Felix; he wasn't officially my boyfriend, but we made out a lot and got a bit handsy a few times." She wiggles her fingers at me like I'm supposed to know what she means.

I can feel heat rush to my face.

"So do you like someone? I pretty much always like someone, but I haven't really met anyone here yet." She's so open and I am so not. It's amazing talking to her, and if I want to continue talking to her, I'll have to stop holding back so much.

"Yeah, but he's my brother's friend, so he's around all the time," I confess and instantly tense because I've admitted my feelings after so many years of holding them in.

"That's a good thing. Why aren't you together then?" she asks, like it's that simple.

"Sometimes I think we will be, but then he keeps going for someone else." I want help. I want to feel the relief that should come with speaking about my problems, but so far I feel nervous. I wish I had a moment to decide how much of myself I want to tell this girl I just met.

"Ehh. You should tell him. Or find someone else." Alice is shoving her fourth cookie in her mouth. There are chocolate smudges all around the top of the bottle she is drinking from, so I refuse her offer of another drink.

"I can't. I've talked to other guys, and I just can't get past the one I want. I have another guy friend, Jasper; we're close, but it's not like 'I want you' close," I confess. It feels great to get this all out, but I wonder if I will regret it.

"Well, hook up with Jasper and make sure." It amazes me how Alice can suggest these things so lightly.

"We kissed once, but that was it, so I don't know." She really doesn't understand all this, and I want her to. I need help, so I spill it all. I tell her all about Tanya, Angela and the mixed signals, and she just listens and asks questions when I leave something out. I tell her about Jessica, Rosalie, and Emmett, and about how hard it is to have friends when they just want the guys I associate with.

"Okay, so you just need to give Edward a shove, so he can take the next step. Unless you're willing to go all out and straddle him, or talk dirty." She winks and tsks her tongue twice.

"Yeah, I'll just let him know I want to get 'handsy'. That should do it." We both laugh at the idea. She chucks a small chunk of cookie at me, and I tear a piece off of mine to throw back.

"You could flirt with someone in front of him and see if he gets jealous. It sounds like he might already like you; he just needs to know you can't wait forever. You should flirt with him too, since he has no problem flirting with you." Alice has polished off the rest of her cookies. All my years with Emmett have taught me how to understand the mouth-full-of-food mumble language. I don't know if I can manage all of her suggestions, but I think I'm ready to make an effort. I guess I just needed a shove.

We exchange numbers, and Alice promises to call me tomorrow night with what she has dubbed "Operation get back my guy."

.

.

.

"It's all about your grip. You should probably squeeze a little harder, and move a little faster than what feels natural. If you're not sure, it's just better to ask him than to feel awkward about it. Trust me, he won't mind." Alice spouts off with her expertise two hours into our phone call. I can't believe how casually she talks about this; then again, I opened up quite a bit to her last night. More than I've ever opened up to anyone. Maybe it was the anonymity of speaking with someone who doesn't know me, or because Alice was genuinely interested and asked all the right questions. Either way, now that Alice knows my secrets; I don't think there's any going back.

"Beyond that I'm clueless. Do you think Rosalie would tell us anything else?" Alice asks.

"No. We are just going to have to figure it out. I don't need to know about what Rose does with my brother," I say, as I lie down on my bed.

"Oh yeah. You're right. Anyway, so I was thinking you might want to sow your wild oats and all that, before you dedicate your life to Edward." I can hear her chewing gum through the phone.

All of her advice has been great, but it's all stuff I haven't even considered. I think she's just really proud of her experience, and wants to educate me on what she's learned. I probably should be taking notes for future reference.

Emmett comes in my room without knocking, and sits down on the end of my bed. I roll onto my stomach as I ignore him. The dance is tomorrow, and I'm not in the business of giving advice about it. I already made him cookies today; I'm under no obligation to help Emmett with the dance.

"Like what?" I ask, continuing my conversation with Alice.

"Well if there are any other guys you'd like to hook up with, this may be your last chance." I hear her smack her bubble gum, and I can just imagine the awful, too-sweet smell, that must be coming off her right now. It's probably good we're on the phone, or she might see my scrunched up nose. I hate bubble gum; all gum should be minty.

Why would I want to hook up with other guys when I want nothing to do with other guys? I don't get it.

"Oh no, I think I'm good. Ow!" Emmett has begun pulling my toes. I kick him with the foot he's not holding.

"I don't know anything about corsages. Leave me alone." I glare at Emmett. He silently, but obnoxiously, moves his mouth to mimic me.

"Oh, I do. Give him the phone," Alice demands.

"Here, Alice will help you." I hand Emmett my phone, and he leaves the room with it. I'll have to thank her later. I'm still working on accepting this whole dance thing. It's tomorrow night, but somewhere in my mind, I still have hope that Edward will swoop in and fix this nightmare. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, and I doubt I will handle it well.

All this physical stuff is way too much to think about. I should just worry about one thing at a time, but I also want to be prepared for all possibilities. I'm not counting on Edward to actually want me, but if he does I should at least kind of know what I'm doing. My fantasies only involve kisses and some rolling around-style hugging. I've never actually considered our actual anatomy, and how it all works. I mean, I know how it all works; I've just never considered that things don't really happen the way they do in the few romance novels I've read.

Emmett walks back into my room "Problem solved?" I ask.

"Problem solved." Emmett tosses my phone on the bed and dances out of my room.

I pick up my phone and resume talking to Alice.

"So anyway, have you ever kissed a girl?" She asks casually, as if it's the most normal question to ask someone you've known twenty-four hours.

"No. Have you?" If she can ask, then I can too.

"No, but I need to before I settle down with my soul mate. You should think about it. You might regret it if you don't." Since I've never actually thought about it before, I agree it's something to consider.

"Hey hold on. Jasper's calling in."

"Ooo, can I talk too?" she squeals.

"Yeah, hold on." I join the call.

"Hey, my friend Alice is on the phone too," I inform him. I'm not trying to be shady and have her listen in without him knowing.

"Hi, friend Alice," Jasper greets.

"Hi." Her voice is even chirpier than normal.

"What were you two talking about?" Jasper asks.

"That I should add 'kiss a girl' to my list of things to do." I can make out a chuckle from Jasper and a nervous giggle from Alice.

"Well, let me know when you decide to follow through with that list."

"Sure," I respond, rolling my eyes.

"So, I need groupies. I'm just playing with these guys in their garage, but they all have groupies," Jasper informs, and it sounds like I'm a viable groupie option.

"Okay, when?" I ask.

"I don't know." Of course he doesn't know.

"Right. Well, I probably can, but not very late." I've gone to some coffee-shop style gigs Jasper has played at, but I'm not sure what a garage band atmosphere will be like.

"Alice, can you come?" Jasper asks.

"Not this time, sorry." She insists she won't be meeting Jasper and Edward until our friendship is established to a point I don't question her intentions.

"That's cool. Edward won't go, because he's an asshole who can't be around girls." He says the last part louder, leading me to believe he is currently with Edward.

"Shut up." Edward yells in the background.

"It's not my fault you're scared," Jasper says to Edward.

"The guy's house were going to—James, his girl is all up on Edward," Jasper explains to us.

Luckily, Alice answers. "That's kind of disturbing."

"No, I'm not talking to her. You deal with her. Seriously, hook up with one and I'll get rid of the next couple for you." He's talking to Edward yet again, and it's not in me to keep quiet.

"Who is it this time?" I ask.

"That cheerleader, Charlotte." Obviously, Jasper doesn't know about Edward's fondness for Angela.

"What does he find wrong with her?" I push for more information.

"She blinks too much. How the hell does someone blink too much, huh?" I think he's yelling at Edward now. "Keep it up; eventually, Bella will go out with you out of pity. Ow, shit." I'm pretty sure he dropped the phone.

"It's not my fault you're a pansy," Jasper yells, followed by scuffling noises.

"Wow, this is fun," Alice pipes in, making me laugh, despite the situation.

"Sorry, I'm back." I can tell Jasper is out of breath.

"Jasper, don't make him be with someone he doesn't like." There, maybe he'll leave him alone.

"Fine... Hey, Edward, I'll help you get rid of her, but you're not going to like what I tell her. Bella, I'll talk to you later. It was nice to meet you, Alice." Jasper comments, before ending the call.

"I see what you mean about the Edward teasing. I'm confused too," Alice says.

"Yeah, it's really frustrating," I said with a sigh.

"You should just ask him. Tell him you're not sure if he's teasing, or if you should take what he says seriously. You don't have to give away your feelings by asking," Alice advises. It makes sense, but I'm afraid to find out the answer. I just have a feeling that, now that Angela is involved, he won't be flirting with me anymore. There's still a chance I'm wrong about them. Maybe they are partnered on a project together. Maybe they have just become really good friends.

We spend the rest of the night planning how I can figure out what's going on with me and Edward. I'm going to try it. I'll flirt with Edward just a bit to gauge his reaction, and next time his flirty teasing is too much, I'll ask him about it. It's a fine line when you have everything to lose, but also everything to gain.

I can do this. I can be confident. I just have to get through homecoming night and then I'm starting over. That is, if I can get through homecoming night.

.

* * *

Thanks to dazzled eyes22 and Thunnababy for pre-reading.

Thanks betas Lattecoug and EdwardsMate4ever for all your help.

Thanks Nic for The Lemonade Stand rec!

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.

What do you think of Alice? Next chapter is homecoming. Any predictions?


	7. Chapter 6: Delirium

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Delirum**

**.**

There's a tree outside my window that needs to be cut down. If my life were a movie, maybe someone would climb it. But there is no rolling camera with a director shouting "Action!" behind it, and the only person I wish would sneak into my window uses the front door as he pleases.

I can handle the storm outside. The clawing scratches on my window are what get to me. It's like something is trying to get in.

Harsh piercing sounds_—_you would think I lived in a horror movie.

The day I tried to ignore has turned into a lonely night. I'm dramatic and uneasy, mindless yet dwelling. I'm scattered, edgy and just fighting through.

I managed to zombie my way through school, and I even made an appearance to support Emmett at the homecoming game.

I saw them there, Edward and Angela. She so innocently sat a row in front of him. I saw him lean forward and put his hand on her shoulder while he pointed out something on the field. Their relationship doesn't appear to have reached a romantic level, but still, it's the friendliest I've ever seen him with anyone. Everyone, that is, but me. I've known him to be much friendlier with me. Maybe he really likes this girl, maybe before he actually liked me. Or maybe he doesn't actually like anyone, and he's playing his games with her now. Her, instead of me.

This day is hours, minutes, and seconds as I feel each and every one. There are no distractions. The slow ticks of time are blaring in my face.

In this moment, I should be all prettied up, twirling around and spinning through love. Earlier, Rose texted pictures of her and Emmett all ready to go. Her mom spared no expense. Rose's mom dotes on her for events like these.

If I were going to the dance, Rose would have curled my hair or twisted it up. I'd have painted my nails shimmery blue to match the dress I don't have.

Charlie might even have wanted to take a picture, but probably just one. There would be no one to ask me to pose or do eleven retakes. No one would tell me to stand closer to my date or to relax a little. No one would let me borrow earrings that hold meaning, or spritz me with perfume for special occasions.

At least, I _think_ Charlie would take a picture, and Rose would help doll me up.

I would have that and be grateful.

Although, if I went to the dance with Edward, Esme may have doted on the both of us. I think she would approve of me. She seems to genuinely care about me. She would probably take many pictures and fuss over Edward's hair. Maybe she would help fix me up a bit too.

I would like that. Someone to make sure I have everything in place. I don't blame others who are annoyed by their parent's attention. I would trade for such care. I would prefer to be annoyed by too much than lost with none at all.

Esme probably doted on Tanya. The thought makes my stomach churn. Edward's dad, Carlisle, probably kissed Tanya's cheek and shook Edward's hand with pride. He probably rented them a limo too.

I feel so cheated.

I go downstairs to the den. I don't know why I've never thought of retreating here before. I lie on the old battered couch.

There's a hammering ache behind my eyes.

I wonder whether or not Edward pulls out the sofa bed.

There's a small coffee table with a few photos. I peer over because I don't remember which ones they are. Me and Emmett in muddy rain boots_—_I must have been around eight. There's another young one of me in an orange one-piece running through a sprinkler.

I wonder if these photos make Edward think of me as just a kid. I should take new ones and change them out, or at least add to the display.

The newest one here is from the Fourth of July barbeque_—_Rose and I on one side, Jasper, Edward, and Emmett on the other. We were around fourteen, and it must have been taken before I unintentionally got drunk for the first and only time. I think I may have told Edward he was pretty that day. However, I also remember belting out serenades for him, which Emmett later informed me happened on the ride home as well as through the night before I fell asleep. I vaguely remember other alcohol-induced fantasies from that day, but Edward only brought it up once, and I avoided the subject out of embarrassment. I wonder how he reacted if I did in fact, tell him he was pretty.

The room is fairly bare, otherwise. There is only a stupid singing fish on the wall that luckily no one changed the batteries for. The power drained quickly anyway with Emmett's love of dancing and singing along.

There's another small table in the corner, almost behind the couch. It holds a few ceramic figures Emmett and I have made for Charlie over the years. And there's my school picture from last fall. I didn't realize Charlie framed it. It's actually a decent photo of me. Slightly younger than I am now, but it would be better in plain sight than young child me. When I pick it up, I notice it's filled with fingerprint smudges, so I take it to the kitchen to clean the glass.

When I return to the den, I set the frame on the table where it can be easily seen from the couch.

It's a subtle attempt_—_that may have no effect_—_but I'm saying, "See me. Love me."

As I make to leave the room, a piece of fortune cookie paper on the floor catches my eye.

**Live your life out loud.**

I flip it over, and on the back, written in bubbly girly writing, is a phone number and the letter M.

I almost envy the girls with the confidence to ask him for a chance. I wish it were that easy for me to just give Edward my number and see if he calls. If he does great. If not, move along.

Why does he have to be so gorgeous? All these girls want him for what they see. I wonder if Angela cares about his feelings. I wonder if she sees how he strives to be the best at everything for everyone but himself. Does she know that his parents just want him to be happy, but he works his hardest to make them proud? That he does it for all of us? He makes us all happy whether or not it makes him happy.

My phone chimes. A text from Alice: **The darkest storms bring the brightest rainbows. Hang in there, sweetie.**

She gets me better than the people who know me. Thank God for Alice.

I smile for the first time today.

.

.

.

The only light in my room is the soft glowing blue from my computer screen. I try to block out the whistling wind as I sit at my desk in the corner to email him.

_Edward,_

_Is she everything that makes you happy? I haven't heard you give her pretty lines. Do you save all your real words for her?_

_I want to move forward and stop looking back. Maybe I don't deserve you. Maybe you want someone else, but in the end, I know no one could possibly love you the way I love you. I don't want to give up on you, on us, on everything I believe in._

Saved to drafts.

Pitter-patter raindrops. The clouds are dark and sullen; apparently, I control the weather.

_Edward,_

_So back and forth I am with you, and you don't even know. I hate that I love you, even though you treat my feelings so casually. I don't wish that you felt the same way. What I wish is to know how you feel. I hope it's the same, and I don't wish for feelings that aren't there, but I still hope they are. There's more to my life than you. I know that. So why is it so hard to just live, and not forever pine for you?_

Save to drafts. No.

_Edward,_

_Wherever you are, whoever you are with, I just hope you are happy. No matter what it entails._

_Forever loving you,_

Delete.

Lightning flashes. Thunder booms. My heart stops with each sharp, rumbling crack.

This is as hard as I knew it would be. Loving so true, but holding back. I'm not the one he needs. My wants and needs stay locked up tight. He doesn't need to know. At least I told Alice. Thank God for Alice.

Lightning completely lights my room. Then, rumbling thunder bangs. There is no time in between to count the distance. Meaning there is no distance, on top of everything, now I need to worry about being struck by lightning.

The branches are screeching against the glass. It makes me cower every time. I should just open the window and embrace the whistling wind. I could spend the night caught up in the storm from right here in my room.

Finger taps, and my door is opened. I'm too lost in my delirium and the storm to be startled.

"Hey, I tried to call you." I look around for my phone, but I have no idea where it is or if it's dead or alive. I don't search for it; if anyone wants to check in with me, they can call the house phone.

"Why does Edward think you're at the dance with Tyler?" Jasper asks, but I just shrug.

I guess I never told him I wasn't actually going with Tyler. It probably wouldn't have changed anything if I had.

"Why aren't you talking? You're freaking me out." He leans closer.

I don't find words. I don't trust my own words, or those of others. Why speak?

There's a red, broken blood vessel splatter on Jasper's neck. I wonder what it feels like to have someone suck on your skin like that. Is it intimate or just physical? Does it come from a place of want or need? I wonder if Edward liked receiving his and if he sucked on Tanya's skin too. No. I don't need an answer for that.

I reach out and touch Jasper's neck. The skin doesn't feel any different where it's red. No bumps, no change in temperature. Just skin. I can't tell if it's brand new or days old. I don't know this kind of thing because I've never been the giver or receiver of a hickey.

"I want one," I say, my curiosity getting the best of me.

Jasper grimaces and looks at me like I'm crazy, which I obviously am. He looks in the mirror on my wall to see what I'm talking about. He either forgot about it or didn't realize it was there.

"It's fine. I'll ask Eric Yorkie or whoever_—_I don't care," I tell him. I just want to know. I don't need to persuade someone.

He steps toward me, placing his hands on my waist and his mouth on my neck with kisses that are feather soft and barely there. If this is what Tanya did to Edward, I hate her even more.

"Not on my neck," I say, hoping there's not already a mark. I'm not trying to broadcast what I'm doing; I just want to know for me.

I raise the hem of my shirt a few inches to reveal an area of my skin that is rarely exposed. He hesitates, and I wonder if I've asked him to do something he's uncomfortable with, but then he pulls me over to my bed. Maybe that will be easier than standing.

I lie back, and he hovers over me. I stare at the ceiling so this doesn't become more than it is. I know he's done this many times before. I feel more light kisses, like a whisper on my stomach. I don't think this is called for, but maybe it is. Then I feel my skin pull and prickle, but it doesn't really hurt.

Then his fingers on my sides start to really tickle, so much that I can't help trying to wiggle away laughing. His mouth pulls harder, and his hands tickle faster.

Now we are both laughing, lying side by side.

But then it's not really that funny and the laughter trickles off. His eyes gaze into mine like he's found something, and his hand reaches up and pushes back my hair, but then it stays in my hair.

You'd think we were caught up in a moment the way he's leaning forward; it's like one of those times you could just blame on the circumstance. With the way I'm panicking inside I know this isn't a special moment. He moves so slow I could stop this, probably even without wounding his pride. What Alice said rings in my ears; maybe if I don't do this I'll regret it someday when it's not an option. Yeah, we've kissed before, but that was more him than me. As much as I should move, turn my head, or say something, I don't. I lean forward and kiss him first, instead. It just feels like warmth and lips.

I want to want this. I should want this. Where it isn't always push and pull. Where it's calm and steady. If this was what I wanted, I wouldn't love so high and crash so hard. This can't hurt me.

I open myself to all the good in front of me. He's always been here, whether I knew I needed him or not. He doesn't really get me, but maybe he doesn't have to. I look into his eyes, and he is staring intently back at me. I close my eyes, and with everything I am, I try again. This time it isn't so soft and sweet. It's frenzied, faster, rolling back over me. I like this. I could do it all night. But then I realize I'm not thinking about Jasper. All I'm thinking about is the act of kissing, and that I like it.

I stop and sigh.

I can't be steady blue when my heart flutters green.

I don't feel nervous, but this may be awkward. I smile up at him, and he smiles back with a laugh under his breath as he falls back beside me.

For the first time, I realize this may have been wrong. Not for my sake, but for his. I know how I feel, but I never thought he might feel different. He doesn't have someone like Edward to base his feelings on.

"Do you think I'm respectable?" Jasper props up on his elbow to talk to me.

"Why would you think you weren't?"

"Edward's philosophical bullshit."

"What did he say?" I pick at a loose blanket string and try not to react when I hear Jasper tell me Edward's words.

"If I keep up with unrespectable girls, someday I'll want a respectable one who won't deem me respectable." Jasper lies back down, facing the ceiling.

"That makes sense, but I still think you're respectable. Edward's just different. That's probably why he's into Angela Weber now, because he respects her."

"Huh... Yeah, I guess so. I always just thought he was a prude, but maybe there's more than just hooking up. Leave it to you to decode Edward. You both are so cryptic." His thoughts have pulled him into a long trance-like revelation he needs to sort through.

"I respect you," he says.

"I respect you too."

"Do you ever think about us being together?" His expression appears more curious than hopeful.

I ponder the fact that I don't think about us being together, more than I think about us being together.

"Do you?"

"No, not really." He rubs his hands over his face.

Relief.

"Good. I don't either." This won't be as awkward as it could have potentially been.

"I would, though. if you wanted to try, I would try." His sincerity is heartwarming.

"Thanks you, but I know what would happen. We would try for the sake of the other and never stop trying for the sake of the other. Someday you'll meet someone you actually want to be with."

"Someday you will too. Can I still sleep here though?"

"Yeah, nothing's changed."

"Can I kiss you?" The gleam in his eye tells me he's kind of joking, but kind of not.

"Tempting, but probably not a good idea."

We lie down in the usual too-close-for-comfort-or-breathing sort of way.

"So you like Tyler?"

"Psshh. No."

"Edward said if I didn't figure out my feelings for you soon, I would lose you to Tyler." I fight the urge to ask Jasper to elaborate on how exactly Edward said this and what brought it up.

"I may have led him to believe I liked Tyler because he's confusing and speaks in contradictions."

"Good thing you're not into Edward. You both live to confuse."

I'm not confusing. I don't want to be confusing, but being straightforward is risky.

Jasper pulls out his phone and begins actively texting.

"Who are you texting?"

"Edward. He needs to know he's wrong. He thinks he has everyone figured out, and he makes me question shit, but he is wrong." Jasper seems beyond annoyed.

"What does he think he knows?"

"Everything."

Jasper's phone is tossed to the side, and I'm surrounded in arms that hold too tight. I count warm breaths as they hit my neck to avoid thoughts that won't let sleep come easy.

.

.

.

I wake up uneasy. Homecoming is over, and today is the first day of my new direction. Angela's not the first girl to stand in my way, but she will be the last. If she's what he wants, then I have to start working on moving on. If there is the remotest chance he likes me, I will find out today.

Charlie's in the mood to grill and be social. Emmett is in the mood to make that happen. I just need to find my inner light-hearted flirt and let Alice analyze my findings.

Dressed in my shortest shorts and tightest tank, I gloss my smile and steady my breathing. I need confidence from the inside out.

I walk down the stairs to where Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper are planning what they will need to get from the store.

"Edward wants to bring Angela Weber," Emmett says. Jasper laughs, probably because I made him aware of Edward's feelings last night.

"Cool, she's legit," Rose replies.

They are traitors, all of them.

I go straight back up to my room before anyone sees me.

I pull on the biggest sweatshirt I can find. That's me, carefree, confidant flirt, masked by a baggy sweatshirt. But I swear if Edward and Angela are not officially together I won't hide behind the sweater.

.

* * *

A/N:

Still with me?

Thanks everyone who helped me with this chapter: dazzled eyes22 and thunnababy pre-read.

RaindropSoup and EdwardsMate4ever beta'd

Thanks for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.

I'd love to hear what you think.


	8. Chapter 7: The Other Side

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Other Side**

**.**

I got up with the sun, even though sleep never claimed me. All night, I imagined Bella dancing, laughing, all pressed up on someone else. Tyler Crowley. What does he have that I don't? The answer is nothing besides crude, awkward immaturity.

I should have done something when I saw him kiss her. I should have told her I didn't like it, at least. At the time, I figured she hadn't enjoyed it, judging by the way she was wiping her mouth off with her sleeve. How did I not see there was more? I only saw her with him the one time, so I had stupidly assumed she turned him down.

Out of habit before I step on the floor, I check around for Jasper, even though I know he's not here. There's a guest room down the hall, but he won't sleep in there. I don't think he ever sleeps at his own house. He spends all his nights on my floor or with Bella. He's always sleeping in Bella's room.

I ask him about it all the time, but he swears up and down there is nothing going on. From his side, I get it. He doesn't want to be home with his mom while different men stay over throughout the week. His dad took off a few years ago and his feelings about it are always fluctuating. I've seen his highs and lows and every time I steady the punching bag, I see the depths of his pain with every punch.

He knows how I feel about Bella, and he knows I'll back off if they want to be together. Bella's mom took off too. They have this connection of an absentee parent that I can't relate to. Every time I'm with Jasper, Bella calls at least once. He always says it's nothing. That they are just friends and if she wanted more, then why do they only sleep the nights he spends in her room? I see them growing closer almost daily. But then they both go off seeing other people and show no sign of jealousy.

There's a sharp pain behind my eyes and dull ache in my bones. It's a lack of sleep and rejection rolled into one.

The floor is colder than I remember it ever being before. I shower, but can't relax. It's a dread-filled tension that I can't shake.

Last night, I told Jasper he was going to lose Bella to Tyler if he doesn't figure out what he wants. It's like somewhere in my mind that would be easier to handle. If she really wants Jasper then there's no other choice for me but to move on. Even though I can't fathom her taking Tyler seriously, at least I may still have a chance.

I hate to think of anyone else kissing her when I know exactly what her lips feel like. A few years ago, our families got together for the Fourth of July, and that day replays in my mind all the time. It was carefree and perfect. Bella was silly-happy and spent the whole day by my side. There was barely a moment that Bella wasn't innocently touching me in some way. At one point when no one else was around, she stood on her toes and with her mouth almost touching my ear, she told me she thought I was pretty. When I said that didn't sound good, she put a finger on my lips and said, "Shhh. You being pretty is good to me." And before she lowered her feet back on the ground, she whispered, "I wish I could kiss you anytime I want to."

It was all I needed to hear to confirm that the feelings in our friendship were changing. So I tilted up her chin and kissed her soft, just one time. I thought it was perfect, especially seeing her smile so big right after. But then she just looked confused. She walked away from me after saying she was dizzy and needed to go.

As her dad carried her out, she was hysterically laughing. It turned out that my mom's great idea of making us virgin strawberry daiquiris doesn't work so well when you buy pre-made alcohol mix. Bella thought they were amazing and drank more than anyone. I tried to talk to her a few days later about what happened, but she was too embarrassed and asked me to forget anything she did or said that day.

But I'll never forget that small spot on my upper lip that stayed wet from hers even after she ran away. I figured we were just too young and our relationship would progress through time.

I always make sure Bella knows how I feel and sometimes I think she gets it, but most of the time she pulls away. I back off when she does, but every time I catch her sideways glances, or when she blushes at my words, I want to try so much harder.

I get ready for the day like I've got somewhere to go. Even with the rift between Bella and I, I'll still be there for her. I'll always be there.

My phone chimes from where it landed when I threw it against the wall last night. Jessica Stanley wouldn't stop telling me how much more fun her night could be with me instead of Mike. How many different ways can you tell someone no before they get that no doesn't mean anything else but no?

**-Emmett: BBQ / Poker. Come over now.**

I'm not sure if I'm ready to face seeing Bella with Tyler yet, so I ask him who will be there.

**-Who?**

**-Emmett: Rose, Jasper, and Ben. Chief won't be here for a few hours.**

It doesn't go unnoticed that he didn't say Bella. She'll be there though. She should be there, but now that she's dating, I don't know.

**-Hey, Angela Weber wanted to come make friends or whatever. Cool?**

**-Emmett: Rose says cool. **

I text Angela because I told her I would if I knew Ben would be around.

**-BBQ at Emmett's soon. You can come. **

Her reply is instant.

**-Angela: Wow! Can you get me? I'm at Lauren's.**

**-Meet me down the street in twenty minutes. Alone.**

Angela's friends would not be welcome in the Swan house, by pretty much anyone.

After I exit out of the text, I see a few that are unread.

**-Jasper: You're wrong about me and Bella. It's never going to happen.**

The text was sent last night.

**-Jasper: You need to step it up, or you'll lose her to a guy like Tyler.**

Jasper has never encouraged me to go after Bella before. I don't know if I should be relieved or worried.

I choke down a protein bar out of necessity rather than hunger or taste. My parents are sitting in the dining room on the other side of the wall. I can hear them there and can picture them sitting with their coffee, reading the news on the laptops that have replaced their newspaper. My dad is probably twirling his concrete-hard biscotti around in his coffee while my mom taps her nails on the table.

I try to leave without being noticed. My dad's pushing me lately. He wants answers about the future that I don't know how to give him. It's not that I don't want to go to college—I do. But, for me, it matters less about the quality of the school and more about people who will be attending.

I make it to the front door before a cleared throat stops me from turning the knob.

"Good morning, Mom. I love you, Mom. I hope you have a good day, and I'll be home soon, Mom," my mom lectures in the non-lecturing way that only she can. "You always just leave this house now without telling me where you're going."

"Sorry, Mom. I'm just going to Emmett's for a while. I'll be back tonight." I kiss her cheek and hurry out.

"Well, can you please invite Bella over for lunch next weekend?" she yells after me as I'm out the door.

Bella has only ever been here without her family on a few occasions for school. I know my mom takes her places sometimes, but I'm never invited on those trips.

It's random that she's asking for Bella to come over next weekend. It may just be because of that class she's taking, but it only just started.

.

.

.

Angela is walking down the gravel path that runs alongside the road. I slow down and brake alongside her, but she doesn't stop walking. She's a really nice girl, but she is ridiculously spacey. I give the horn a quick tap and she jumps, startled. The look on her face is priceless.

When she gets in my car she's hyper, and I'm scared of what I just got myself into.

"Just breathe, it's not a big deal." I try to calm her down.

"Okay. Do they know I'm coming?"

"Yeah, Emmett and Rose said it's cool."

"Thank you for helping me. Did you tell them why?" Her eyes get so wide, I'm afraid they could pop out.

"No, you're good. Just hang out with Bella. It won't be a big deal," I tell her and she nods.

"Should I talk to Ben?" Angela asks, bouncing her knees.

"Sure, I can have Emmett lock you in a room together if it's not working." I laugh at her eagerness, but I'm sure Emmett would be more than willing to lock them up together.

"Is that how you hooked up with Jess?" she asks like it's a valid question.

"If she told you anything pertaining to me and her it's a lie." I snap harsher than I intended to.

"Oh. Okay." She laughs, but she's shaking with nerves.

I pull into the driveway and Crowley's van is nowhere in sight. It's a small relief, but it's all I need to make me relaxed enough to start feeling my lack of sleep. Angela jumps out of the car, eager to see where this day brings her. I'm really considering saying hi and leaving. I follow Angela to the door and we let ourselves in.

A slight veer to the left and I can be alone in the den asleep, but I don't usually do much sleeping in there either.

Bella's in the kitchen mixing something in a pitcher, and I wish it was my place to just go straight to her. She's wearing a sweatshirt that covers her shorts, so you don't really know if she's wearing any. I don't let my mind wander too long on that possibility.

"Edward. Angela. Welcome." Emmett's loud voice booms when we are in sight of the dining room. Bella turns around and looks me straight in the eye; her lips turn up in a huge smile as she saunters her way towards me. There's a mischievous glint in her eye, and I have no idea what is about to happen.

"Hey," she says, and she keeps coming closer until her arms are wrapping around my neck as if this was our normal greeting. Even if hugging was something we did, this is not a friendly hug. I wrap my arms around her waist and return her embrace just as tight, lifting her off the floor. I don't know what has gotten into her, but I'm not complaining. I look questioningly over her shoulder at Jasper and he just shrugs, clueless.

When I set her back down, she moves to my side while keeping a hand on my shoulder. My whole body feels the lack-of-sleep-ache, making the slight pressure of her hand magnified.

I wonder why she's acting like this. I'm pretty sure the last time I tried to talk to her she was upset and didn't want to talk to me about it.

"I didn't know you were bringing a date. Did you guys have fun at the dance last night?" she asks, smiling like she wouldn't mind if my answer to that is yes. She should already know I didn't go since I wasn't there. And all the while as she's asking me about my date, she's holding onto me and it's starting to feel territorial. I should be ecstatic, but she is so damn confusing.

"Oh no, it's not a date," Angela answers fast. Ben is wrapped up in a card game with Emmett, he hasn't really acknowledged her.

"I didn't go to the dance. Did you have a good time?" I ask, because I hope she had a good time as much as I didn't want her to go.

"I didn't go either. I stayed in with Jasper. I wish I knew you weren't going." Bella's hand slides down my shoulder and squeezes my bicep. My muscle flexes under her touch and her hand falls down to her side.

I want to rewind to where she was hugging me and forget the fact that she was with Jasper and not Tyler last night. I don't know how Jaspers text came about and if something happened, or what was said. I wish I knew whether I was up against Tyler or backing off for Jasper.

Angela stays in the kitchen with Bella, and I sit down to play poker. Although I'm no good, I can win with the philosophy that Emmett is always lying. Bella has taken it upon herself to serve everyone, and though I tell her not to worry about me, she sets a glass of lemonade in front of me anyway. Jasper is sitting beside me while Emmett sits across the table by Ben and Rose. He takes these games so seriously, we should break out the cigars. I could get him a plastic one and he'd honestly appreciate it.

I try not to stare at Bella too often, but I catch her back facing me from the sink. At some point she discarded the sweat shirt revealing just how short her shorts are. The tank top is just as small. Even though I have the best of intentions when it comes to Bella, my mind wanders to a vision of her bent over the sink or sprawled up on the counter. Maybe my thoughts are no better than all the other guys that want her.

Angela is still following Bella around, but, for whatever reason, Bella doesn't seem too interested in talking to her.

When Emmett gets wrapped up in explaining the rules to Ben of a card game he made up, I turn to talk to Jasper.

"Care to elaborate?" I ask, and I know he'll know what I'm referring to.

"No. I told you what I wanted to. You do what you want with it." He glances over at Bella and back down. I flick his leg under the table, but he's still not going to tell me.

Emmett deals the cards so fast I don't know how he has time to count them.

Jasper nudges my arm and then glances questioningly over toward Angela. I shake my head no and tilt my chin up towards Ben. I wish I could ask all the questions I want to with gestures.

Bella makes her way back into the room and she's smiling directly at me. I want to look behind me and make sure this look isn't meant for someone else, but I know there is nothing but a wall behind me. I wish we were the only two here.

She tugs on Rosalie's ponytail and leans across the table to grab the empty bowl that used to be full of chips.

"What the fuck is that, Bella?" Emmett yells out, and Bella flinches and stands up quickly. The bowl she had barely lifted clatters on the table.

Whatever it is, it's more serious than the game as Emmett's cards are dropped face up on the table.

Emmett's eyes immediately find Jasper and then lift up Bella's top revealing her stomach and a deep, red mark blemishing her perfect skin. I clench my teeth, but then I just feel numb.

Jasper flings his cards and they slide across the table. "Don't look at me. She was rambling about Yorkie and hickeys." He puts his hands up in defense.

Now Bella is the one glaring at Jasper while everyone else is laughing. Everyone but me and Angela, who gives me a small sympathetic smile. There must be a "Bella will give any loser a chance club" that I'm not a part of. Eric Yorkie is a twig of a nerd. He's a nice kid—I have a few classes with him—but him and Bella make no sense. I doubt he gets out of his fantasy game land long enough to notice real life girls.

Rosalie is laughing so hard her eyes are tearing up.

"Bella, no. Let me help you, go for Ben." Emmett claps a hand on Ben's back.

Angela is tense and nervous, standing back a bit away from everyone, so I go to her to see if she wants to leave as bad as I do.

I glance at Bella and she's looking right at me, so I look away. I'm about to blow up and tell them all off.

"Hey, do you want to leave?" I ask Angela, but she is staring passed me. I look back to see what she sees. I think I'm going to throw up with how knotted up my stomach is at the image in front of me.

Bella's popped her ass up on the damn table right next to Ben, and is leaned forward whispering in his ear. I'm sure he's loving it too. What guy wouldn't want this girl propped up before him? I want to throw her over my shoulder and take her outside. This isn't her. I know her and this isn't who I know.

Her eyes lock with mine again, so I motion her to come with me. Luckily, she doesn't hesitate. She walks past me, and I follow her lead up to her room.

For a moment, I forget what I wanted to tell her. I want to hold her and love her, show her how the physical should be emotional too, not whatever it is she's been up to.

It's hard to hold back from something I know is so right, but right now I'm not here for me.

"Do you actually like Ben?" I ask her as soon as she turns to face me.

"He's cute, why?" She twirls her hair in mock-innocence.

"If you're not into him, you should stay away from him."

"Well you shouldn't bring girls to my house that aren't my friends. Maybe you should take her and leave." She snaps and makes to walk out, but I'm not done talking.

"I only brought her here because she likes Ben. If you want him, we will leave." I speak low, so the words don't travel beyond this room.

"I thought _you_ liked her." I just shake my head. No matter how much I tell Bella I like her, it never sinks in; probably because she doesn't want it to be true. Her emotions are a whirlwind and I can't keep up. I came here today thinking she was still upset with me, but then she was all happy to see me. Turns out she's been pissed at me the whole time I've been here.

"Oh. I feel bad now. How can I help?" She's looks worried and more herself. And I just want to kiss her and pretend everything else is okay.

"I told her we could make them spend time together, but he's probably into you now so I don't know."

"No, I told him I was going to flirt to get everyone off my back," she says and then starts digging in her desk drawer.

I look around her room and can see why she says it's not her, it's just a room. The pillow I gave her from my bed is propped up on hers, and I wonder if she's been sleeping with it ever since.

She finds a notebook and sits down on her bed. After an awkward moment of standing, I sit down beside her and ignore the pull to lie down. She leans into me, and I wrap an arm around her waist. I peer over her shoulder as she flips through the pages. There's none of the tension I'm used to her feeling every time I'm close to her.

Her body fits against mine like the kind of puzzle piece you don't have to test on different pieces. It's distinctly obvious there is only one place for it to go. But judging by the red mark she let someone else put on her, Bella isn't very good at puzzles.

If I could reach the door, I'd just close it and ask her to spend the rest of the day in here with me.

She looks over at me and smiles. "Last summer, when Rose broke up with him, Emmett came up with all these elaborate schemes to trick her into spending time with him. There were a couple I think could work for Angela. I swear I wrote them down in here," she says still searching the pages.

I want to ask her about Eric, Tyler, and Jasper, but I'm also not so sure I want to know.

She gets annoyed and tosses the notebook on the floor, turning her body so she's facing me with her leg now bent on the bed. My hand slides from her back to her knee as she turns.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

"Just tired." A yawn escapes unintentionally and Bella yawns too, smiling softly.

"I get why you brought Angela here, but is there someone else you would want to bring over?" Her eyes stay where my hand is on her knee.

"No. Is there someone you're thinking of having over?"

"Just Alice."

"Did Alice do this?" I press my thumb against her shirt where she is marked.

She pushes my hand away like I just burned her. "No. It's not a big deal. I just wanted to know what it felt like."

"And now that you know?"

"Now I know, so it doesn't need to happen again." She turns away and my hand falls off her leg.

"Doing something just to know what it feels like doesn't seem like you," I say to the side of her head. This is what she always does. She's just within reach and then she backs up.

"Maybe you don't know me so well anymore." She stands and walks toward the door.

"Can I fix that?" I ask her as I stand up.

Stopping, she turns to look at me like she doesn't know if I mean it.

"Yeah," she says, after a moment while nodding her head.

"So no Eric or Tyler." I take her hand and pull her back in the room away from the door.

"No."

"Someone else then. Like Jasper?"

She shakes her head no and whispers, "Not Jasper."

"Edward?" she says, before I can ask if there's someone else. "I really miss you," she breathes out like it hurts to say. Her eyes are cast down to the floor.

"I miss you too. We'll fix that, okay?"

She looks up with a tight lipped smile and nods. Her fingers are fidgeting and I know she's uncomfortable.

I can hear a car pull up; it's probably her dad.

"Should we go let Emmett know he gets to play matchmaker?"

She laughs soundlessly and says, "Okay." I follow her out of the room.

I eat with everyone and then sneak away to the den. The not sleeping isn't working for me. I close the door and fall on the couch, not bothering to pull out the bed.

.

* * *

A/N:

Thanks for reading.

Lots of thanks to dazzled eyes22. She suggested an Edward point of view and pre-read both versions of this chapter.

Thanks Betas EdwardsMate4ever and fmfg for all your help.


	9. Chapter 8: Someday Soon

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Someday Soon**

**.**

Rain drizzles down in soft sprinkles, but it's not wet enough to require turning back the way I came. It wasn't raining when I started this walk. I pull my hair over my phone to shield it from getting water damage.

"Tell me everything that happened, word for word. Do not leave anything out," Alice demands.

"Well, first he brought Angela over." I lean my head on my shoulder to hold the phone in place as Roofus drags me around the block.

"Get out. No way. I swear it, Bella, I will castrate him. I'll do it," Alice screeches.

"It's fine, geez, calm down. There was this guy Ben at my house, I guess Edward was trying to hook them up," I inform her to ease her anger at Edward.

"Wow, so what was that all about at the beach then?" Alice is getting excited and ahead of herself. I've questioned these same things, but still, none of it makes sense. Maybe their moment was some kind of inside joke.

"Yeah, I should ask him about that." I never told her how I eavesdropped on the conversation between Edward and Angela in the library_—_about a double date involving me.

"Okay, so what happened? How did you find out?"

"I hugged him when he walked in. Then I asked them about the dance and they said they didn't go." The white shaggy dog decides to just sit down for a while, halfway through our journey.

"What kind of hug? A quick back pat or a full frontal press…"

"Yeah. That." I interrupt, and Alice squeals at my answer. It's an audible portrayal of my own feelings.

"And then?" I imagine Alice is tapping her foot in an attempt to be patient.

"Well, then my shirt rode up and Emmett saw a hickey on my stomach, so he said I should go for Ben and not Eric," I ramble quickly laying it all out there.

Silence.

"You have a hickey from Eric, and now you're stealing Ben instead of Edward. I should have been there, Bella. Smack yourself since I'm not there to do it. You are doing this all wrong. Who is Eric anyway? This is a full disclosure friendship, Bella, tell me!"

"Eric is just some guy from school. Jasper told Emmett the hickey was from Eric so Em didn't kill him." I start pacing, holding the leash as Roofus just sits there.

"No, that's worse. You don't like Jasper. Why do you have a hickey from him?" Her logic is reasonable, but goes against her previous advice.

"Umm just because I've never had one. And what the hell, Alice? You told me to!"

"So you hooked up with Jasper because you like Edward. I told you to hook up with Jasper back when Edward liked Angela."

"Yes, but we didn't hook up. It was just a hickey. I didn't know he didn't like Angela at the time either." I huff. Luckily, the rain has stopped, only leaving behind small water beads in my hair.

"Well, that's normal. Seriously, Bella, if you have a hickey urge just ask me if you can't ask Edward."

"All right, I will let you know next time," I say laughing.

I tell her all about how I attempted flirting with Ben, Edward ushering me away and the conversation that followed. All while coaxing Roofus to finish the walk by throwing treats for him to chase after.

"What happened next? Tell me word for word, step by step," Alice says.

"Then I brought him up to my room, and he asked me about the hickey," I confess.

"And?"

"I told him I just wanted to know what it felt like and that I wouldn't be repeating the incident again."

"Okay. What about Jasper?"

"I think we're good. He's realizing that he wants more than hook-ups, but he's not interested in me." I get to the Brotski's backyard and make sure Roofus has water.

"Right. So then what happened with Edward?"

I hang up the leash, give Roofus one more treat, and then head home.

I tell her how I asked him if there was anyone else he would be interested in bringing around, and that we both admitted we miss each other and he wants to work on it. She shrieks and overanalyzes everything.

.

.

.

Jasper is playing in a garage with a band of guys I've never met. At school, I have to deal with preppy girls brushing me off like I'm nothing. Here, the girls have colorful hair and ripped up clothes. They glare at me like I'm evil. Maybe I'm not evil enough.

I'm the only groupie Jasper was able to corral into going to this event. People are all around, but I don't know a single one. There are big speakers and bright spotlights. James takes this garage band so seriously, I'm surprised I didn't have to pay a cover charge.

A feisty girl, with bright campfire colored-hair approaches me. She's smoking a cigarette with mock, cool confidence.

"Bella, right?" She blows smoke in my face as she speaks.

"Yeah. How did you know?"

Red rolls her eyes like I'm the foolish one.

"You have a lot of nerve coming around where you aren't wanted." She takes another drag, once again blowing smoke at me as she looks me up and down.

I don't hesitate from fanning the smoke in front of me.

"I didn't realize I was such a threat." I stand tall despite the fact that I'm sure this girl wouldn't think twice about extinguishing her cigarette on my flesh.

Her smile is wicked, but she must not have expected my words, because her comeback isn't quick.

My stomach clenches as someone comes up on me from behind. I feel hands squeeze my waist from both sides.

"Sorry I'm late. Hey, Victoria, I see you've met Bella," Edward says as his hands move from my waist down until his thumbs are inside the front pockets of my jeans. I lean back into him as he leans forward.

I feel Victoria's hair whoosh in front of my face as she swivels around making a quick escape. Edward isn't that intimidating. Why would she flee?

"What's her problem?" I have no idea what to do with my hands. His thumbs are in my pockets from underneath my arms. If his arms were over mine then he would be surrounding me, but this is not working as well.

"She's James' girlfriend, but if you ask her, then she's unattached. She may not like you because the guy she is unattached to is staring at you." He rests his chin on my shoulder, and I glance up just as James looks away.

"Oh. Why does Jasper even want to be here? They sound horrible playing together." This is not music. It's fighting for the lead, trying to break out in a solo without the others' permission. At least the drummer is going with the flow, but it looks like he's in a world of his own.

"James keeps asking Jasper over. He won't stop until he proves he's better. He tells Jasper to bring his fans, but then it's just me and now you. It pisses James off so much that he glares at me the whole time."

"Shouldn't he just feel superior with all these people?"

"He acts like he does, but he knows that these people aren't here for him. They are either here because they are scared of what would happen if they weren't, or they are mindless followers. Not one person here is loyal, not even his girl. He even asked me why I turned her down. I told him she's his girl, and it's like a concept he doesn't grasp. He'll still probably hit on you to piss me off."

My breath catches at his words. I kind of hope James hits on me, so I can see if Edward does get pissed off.

His chin is bony digging into my shoulder. I could tell him, and he would move it, maybe even without stopping the rest of the close touching. However, I remember all the times I would have taken this uncomfortable feeling if it meant this kind of closeness.

Jasper is dominating the song to the point that James is so lost he can't find the right chords to play. Jasper is in a zone. I know Edward is mesmerized by it too, when his fingers start tapping where they rest on the outsides of my thighs. I slide my hands up over top of his with my palms to the back of his hands, he intertwines our fingers. He never stops tapping.

I want to turn his hands so our fingers are intertwined palm to palm, but only if it's with the realness that kind of handholding means. Even when Rose and Emmett are broken up, but still hooking up, they don't hold hands.

This is one of those amazing moments that always seem to end in sadness for us. It's the push and pull game that leaves me empty and wanting more, with no guarantees. Eventually, the sad and angry feelings will collide, and I'll stop playing these games. Someday, it'll be all or nothing, but here in our connected silence, it feels like the beginning of everything.

"You smell good." His chin is no longer resting on my shoulder, I know he is breathing in my hair.

"What do I smell like?"

"Fruity, but natural, like almonds. Almond flowers." He smells my hair deeply, but it sounds like a joke, even more so when he lets go of his hold on me. "Come on, I'll introduce you to Jasper's friends."

Grabbing my hand, he pulls me down the steep driveway. He's holding my fingers, just barely, but his whole hand is wrapped around them.

The guys are ready to start another song, but halt at our approach.

"I'm glad you made it." Jasper pulls his guitar strap over his head and greets me with a slight hug. He is sweaty all over, so I keep as much distance as he does.

Edward introduces me to James, who takes my hand, not like a handshake, but like he's going to bring it to his lips.

"Bella, I feel like I know you already. Edward, you should take her on a tour of the house. You are both always welcome here." He lifts my hand higher as if this hand-kiss is really going to happen, but then he glances up at Edward, nods his head and releases my hand.

I follow Edward's lead into the house.

"Did that count as hitting on me?" I ask when we are out of earshot of anyone.

"I think it was the most self-control he has ever had." His thumbs find their way into his own pockets. I don't think he realizes they should still be here in mine.

We make our way down a narrow hallway passed a cluttered kitchen and dining room. Edward isn't touching me anymore, leaving me with a strong longing to be closer. I always want to be close, but never before have I felt so close to the finish line, that I could stumble in my speed.

There is a staircase straight ahead and a partially opened set of double doors to the right.

I want to be in the situation where I'm nervous about what will happen if we find a room upstairs. Instead, I'm worried that the touching is over, and I won't have the courage to initiate it again.

Edward pushes the door the rest of the way open. The living room is filled with people intermingling, surrounded by a skunk-like-smoke. Edward nods at a few people, but then leads me back out.

In a corner by the door is a familiar girl with a billowed skirt mounted over top of a guy. They are fisting each other's hair and I doubt either is taking any time to breathe. I think, in this place, people don't even bother to get a room.

Edward closes the door all the way as we leave.

Then it dawns on me. "Was that Irina?"

"Yes. Apparently that guy out there playing the drums, Laurent, has been dating Irina for over a year." He steps forward and smells me. "You don't smell too much like smoke, but you should avoid Charlie when you get home."

It didn't occur to me that I would smell and possibly give my dad the wrong idea.

When we get back outside, it is dusk. "I guess I should get home."

Edward opens my door when we get to my truck. I want to hug him goodbye, but I'm too timid.

After I climb inside, Edward leans on the open door. It's maddening how easy it would be to reach out, grab his t-shirt, and pull him close.

"Come over Saturday around lunch time." Edward grins.

"Is that a question?"

"It's a request."

"Okay. I'll be there." I nod.

"Wait, really? You said okay, but I didn't tell you why yet." He takes a step back, shaking his head.

"Right. Why?" He couldn't simply just want me to come over.

"My mom wants to learn all about what you're learning, but I should be there. We can hang out after." He's doing his Edward flirt thing that I hate. I could slam my door shut in his face and he would just laugh. My anger is bubbling, but this day was good, and I won't let his fake flirting ruin it.

"Yeah, I haven't seen your room in a while." I bite my lip, lower my eyelids, and through embarrassment at my words and an angry edge I haven't completely backed away from, look back up at him.

I swear his eyes are twice as wide as they were. His lips start to move, but no words come out. His chest rises high and then back down.

"Okay, call me when you make it home." I can hear his phone vibrating from his pocket as he closes my door. There are no goodbye touches, but this still feels okay. When I look back, I see him take out his phone. He doesn't take the call.

.

.

.

I don't call Edward right when I get home. Charlie is in the living room and I'm not sure how I smell.

"Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad." I yell as I run up the stairs. I grab a laundry bag from my room before heading straight for the shower. When my clothes are off, I stuff them in the bag and cinch it closed. After plugging the drain, I turn on the shower, filling up the tub with perfumed soaps to permeate the air.

I shower off the smoky scents while standing ankle deep in water. When the air is filled with sweet smelling-botanicals I reach down to unplug the drain. I turn the water up scorching hot, willing my body to adjust to the heat. Searing water burns, then soothes and washes all my cares away.

I fill my hand with pink liquid soap and glide it all over me. I think of what I know of kisses and what it would be like to have my heart pounding with nerves, my lips swollen from intense kisses, with hands sliding on skin up and down anywhere they can reach.

The other night with Jasper, physical touches felt easy to start and just let happen as they may. I wonder if it could be like that with Edward when all these other emotions are involved. I know my heart aches at the thought of confessing my love and having it not be returned. Would rejection from physical advances hurt as deep?

The way Edward has been touching me and standing so close, it could be so easy to make it more. A slight turn of the head or pivot in either direction and sweet, friendly touches might not be so innocent. Once words are said they can't be taken away, but getting caught up in a rush of lust could always be blamed on hormones. Besides, trying to figure out the intent of Edward's words is like trying to look through frosted glass.

I towel off bright, pink skin and hope my raised temperature and wet hair don't make me freeze when I open the door. My long sleep tee won't help at all against the evening cold.

As I walk down the hall, I see Emmett's door is wide open. He's leaning back in his computer chair throwing a tennis ball against the wall. The wall we share. I hate that he does this. I go inside and steal a sweatshirt.

"You look happy—Yorkie call or something?" He tosses me the ball. I catch it in two hands, because I'm not coordinated enough to catch it with one.

"Or something. Can I ask you something that might be awkward?" I toss the ball back purposely hard.

"Not much you can ask me that would be awkward." The ball is returned like we are playing whoever has the ball gets to speak.

"Okay. What do girls do that make guys think it's okay to make a move?" I don't toss the ball back; instead I rub the felt with my thumb, occasionally finding places that the material is loose and worn.

"Are we talking about dating or sex?" My fingers follow white lines as I ponder his question.

"I guess both, but how about just kissing? How do girls give the impression they want to be kissed, and how would they give the impression that they don't?" This time I throw the ball back and sit on the edge of Emmett's unmade bed.

"You'll let me know if someone's trying something you don't like, right?" I nod my head at his concern. "We're not talking about Yorkie, right? I know Jasper was the one here that night."

"All right, fine. You're right, but it was my idea. Don't get all mad. This isn't about Jasper; we are just friends."

"Okay, if you say so." He purses his lips the way he always does when he is thinking. "I guess if a girl seems comfortable with a guy being in her personal space and isn't always conveniently looking away, then he would think it was okay to go in for a kiss." He is rolling the ball around on his knee. I'm relieved that he is open to talking to me about all this.

"Then if you get to the kissing part, how do you tell if a girl is open for more or if kissing is all." I feel kind of deceitful asking Emmett these questions when I'm trying to figure out what possibilities there might be with Edward.

"Well, if you're kissing like in a room or an empty house then it might naturally become more, or someone might make a move to make it more. So you should just do your kissing in public places. Oh, if you kiss with your whole body then he might think you want more, so just don't do that." His stare is hard and questioning, like he is waiting for me to confirm that all my questions are to make sure I don't go past kissing.

"Okay. Thanks, Emmett." He stands up to lift me in a tight hug.

"I'm just happy you knew to come to me. It means you know I've got skills." He nods his head smirking to himself, beaming with pride. I walk to my room laughing at his ridiculousness.

The room still doesn't feel like me, because I still barely know who I am. I grab a few pieces of yellow paper that have old assignments on the back. I take the paper and, using a book edge, I make straight lines in the shape of stars.

The melody of my ringtone interrupts my project.

"Hey, Edward. I was going to call you in a few." He just wanted to make sure I got home safely; I'm not counting on this being much of a talk.

"Did you just get home? It's been over an hour." I can't tell if he is concerned or annoyed.

"No, I had to take a shower before Charlie smelled the smoke. Are you home?"

I hear rustling in the background and it takes a moment for Edward to answer.

"Yeah, I just got back. You shower a lot, or maybe I'm just always there at the time that you shower."

Humming my affirmative response, I start cutting out the stars. It's good to know he notices when I shower, like even if his thoughts are brief, he could be thinking of me while I'm right upstairs wishing he was with me.

"You take really long showers…" He sounds like there is more to that thought, or maybe he's just tired.

"I guess I just think about so much that I lose track of time." I grab a black marker to write one word on each star.

"What do you think about?" His voice sounds heavier.

"Mostly people." I pin the bigger star to the wall above my bed. _**Someday.**_

"Who did you think about today?" His voice is soft. I think about what it would be like to have this conversation in person.

"You." I attach the smaller star to the wall to the bottom right of the first. _**Soon.**_

I strategically pull the confining sweatshirt and sleep tee over my head without removing the phone from my ear. Climbing into bed, I try to get warm with nothing but dark floral, hip-hugging panties and light blankets.

Edward tells me he'll be right back. I can hear him set down the phone. I roll around trying to figure out the best way to lie while still holding the phone. My legs move effortlessly without the resistance of clothes catching on sheets. I wonder what Edward wears to sleep and what it would be like to have him here beside me now. First, though, I should think of more innocent scenarios. We could go to a movie and push back the armrest that separates the seats. Our hands would brush as we reach for popcorn at the same time.

"Bella," Edward whispers.

"Hmm?" I pull his pillow to my chest.

"Do you have something else to do Saturday, or can you stay awhile?"

"I could stay awhile. How long do you need?" My eyes are closing on their own accord.

"As long as it takes to get you to talk to me."

"Okay, but you'll be here Friday too right?" A yawn escapes as I fight to stay awake.

"Yeah, I'll be there. Go to sleep, Bella. "

"Okay, but I think I really want popcorn."

I feel myself start to drift off to sleep with Edward's quiet laugh flowing through my ear and the feel of bare skin rubbing smoothly against cotton sheets.

.

* * *

**A/N:**

Thanks for reading. I love to hear what you think.

Thanks dazzled eyes22 for pre-reading.

Thanks EdwardsMate4ever and Alice's White Rabbit for their beta work on this chapter.

Voting is open for The Taste of the Forbidden Contest. I may have something in there.

* * *

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	10. Chapter 9: Steps

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 9: Steps**

**.**

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

I'm awoken by Emmett crowing in my ear. Since it's been awhile, I'll allow it. Tomorrow he may not be so lucky. I'm just relieved I got cold last night and slipped my shirt back on.

I throw the blankets over my head as Emmett plops down next to me, making the bed bounce.

"We have so much to plan, Bella. Wake up." He pulls the blanket off my head. As the blanket slides off, it pulls my hair with it until strands are clinging to my face.

"What's the plan, Em?" I stretch, yawning, and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"Everyone's coming over Friday. It's all about private opportunity. Edward says Angela will open up better one on one_—_it's just a matter of getting her and Ben alone." He is so proud of himself. I wonder how long he has been planning this all out. "First, we're going to subtly leave them alone in the house. I hope you're not still scared of the dark."

I roll my eyes. I've never been scared of the dark; I just get scared of what could be in the dark.

My real alarm starts going off, so I reach over and turn it off.

"Have Alice come too, so we can pair off evenly. Edward doesn't have too much faith in Angela moving things along, so if they don't make any headway, you and Rose need to do one of those girly truth or dare games."

Any relief I felt at the fact that Angela is into Ben and not Edward is replaced by a different kind of jealousy. I don't like that they have any kind of closeness at all. It's not that he shouldn't have friends, but he used to be _my_ friend. I feel knots form in my stomach and tighten up. Does she call him? Do they hang out? How many times could it have been me and not her? I dwell so much on my own missed opportunities with Edward. Apparently, I didn't realize there could have been opportunities that I wasn't present for.

Emmett is back to going to Rose's for a while before school, so I get a ride with Jasper. Luckily, Jasper and I are still the same. No regrets, no hurt feelings, just easy friendship. Someday, I hope I have the same comfort with Edward where I'd be able to ask him when I need a ride to school, or maybe he would just know and offer.

School is always a game of will-I-see-Edward-or-not? If so, will his attention be mine or someone else's? Today, I don't have to wait long. As we pull into the school Edward is waiting, leaning against his car in the same spot he always parks.

He smiles as we approach. I hope that our same closeness from yesterday can continue into today. We didn't leave things in a disagreement like we have been lately.

"Here, trade me." He hands me a violet travel mug and takes my books. I already choked down coffee at home not too long ago; this extra caffeine may have adverse effects.

Edward doesn't stand too close; he doesn't make any move to touch me. On the surface, nothing between us has changed, but I know this is different. I know that I am different now. Even with the ups and downs of crushed dreams, I know I can handle Edward. He can play his games and I can play mine too because that's how this works with us. We aren't straight and up front with our words. I don't know how he feels about me, but he doesn't know how I feel either.

Even though things with Edward feel more intense than ever, I know that just laying my heart out there could end this before it starts. Edward Cullen doesn't have girlfriends; he has girls that throw themselves at him everywhere he turns. I'm not one of those girls.

I leave Edward and Jasper in the courtyard and head to where I know Rose will be reapplying her make-up in the bathroom.

"Aw, your hair is so pretty," I say to Rose as she leans over the sink penciling black liner under her eyes. Her hair is in a low ponytail over her left shoulder and curled.

"Thanks. Come here." She reaches out and applies her pink-tinted gloss to my lips.

"So I met this girl, Alice, at that class in Port Angeles, and I was talking to Emmett about having her over Friday." I have to introduce new people carefully with Rose; she doesn't exactly like most people.

"Okay. Emmett told me already," she says as if she doesn't really care about it.

"Do you want to go to the diner with me and Alice on Wednesday? I think you'll like her." Her mascara wand pauses before it meets her lashes, and she gives me a "yeah right" look in the mirror.

"Trust me. She's nice and really boy-crazy. She even asked me if you could give her advice from your experience."

She's grinning, and I don't even want to think about what could possibly be running through her mind.

"It's a good thing I trust your judgment." Rose puts away her make-up and we head out the door.

Hopefully, Rose will play nice when she meets Alice.

"Hey, I have to find Edward. He still has my books," I say as I lead Rose to the picnic table I know Edward and Jasper were headed to in the courtyard.

"Okay, but don't think you're getting out of telling me who marked you up the other night," she says as she grabs my arm, slowing me down and making me face her.

"Fine. We'll talk if you can promise not to push me to do anything I don't want to do. I mix up my own feelings enough as it is." Rose is way more straightforward than I could ever dream of being. This is why I steer clear of telling her anything. I need time to digest and analyze things. She would push me into the deep end before I had time to hold my breath.

She does that awful mimicking my words thing without actually speaking out loud. _She is with Emmett way too much._

"Don't worry so much, Bella. You can tell me anything." That's doubtful.

We approach the table where Emmett and Edward are sitting. They are seated side by side on the table with their feet on the bench.

"Where's Jasper?" Rose asks.

"He's scoping out all the chicks in honor society," Emmett informs her, and they are off into their own little world. They say goodbye and head out hand in hand.

"What did she do to you?" Edward reaches forward, swiping his thumb across my lower lip.

"It's just lip gloss. I wear it all the time." I reach up and try to feel if the gloss is now smeared.

"This is lip-goo." He's grossed out by the texture as he rubs it between his thumb and forefinger.

"It is not. Is it all over my face now?" I lift my face up for him to inspect.

Despite the fact he thinks it's gross, Edward brushes a finger under my lip to clean up any mess he made.

"Come on, I'll walk you to class." With my books in his arms and the gloss from my lips on his fingertips, Edward walks with me down the hall.

.

.

.

Our lunch group ends up being larger than normal. Rose, Emmett, and Jasper sit on the opposite end of the bench-style table while Ben, Angela and her lovely friends, Lauren and Jessica, take up the other half. Edward isn't here yet, and my only choice is to sit by Ben or Jessica. I choose to sit by Ben and hope Edward pulls up a chair rather than sliding in next to Jessica.

I'm not surprised that Jessica has other ideas. When Edward approaches, she flips her hair off her shoulder and attempts a flirtatious smile. "Hi, Edward, I saved you a seat."

"Thanks," he says as he squeezes in sideways beside me, the same way he did on the beach, with one leg behind and one alongside mine.

"Uh." Jessica doesn't hide her disappointment.

Edward pulls out a zip-locked bag full of popcorn. Such a simple gesture, but the ease of his thoughtfulness makes it feel like we've never had a problem in the first place.

He reaches in and pinches a piece between his fingers.

"Do you still want this?" he asks while holding the piece near my mouth.

I nod as I open my mouth. He sets it inside as his fingertips slightly touch my lips. It's his fingertips against my bare lips this time as the gloss has been worn off for a while. Gloss doesn't last long on lips that are reminiscently rubbed several times over the course of a few hours.

If no one was around, I could provocatively return the gesture and feed him too. Instead, I grab a piece out and toss it up in the air for him to catch with his mouth. He keeps missing, but we just keep trying.

"So, Edward, I know you're not old enough to date yet or whatever, but you'll be seventeen by winter formal, right? We could go to that." Jessica shrugs her shoulders.

I wonder if he has a book of excuses, or if the "not being allowed to date yet" works on anyone.

I'm beginning to despise stupid school dances and desperate people who think someone that doesn't want to date them will feel different when it comes to these events.

"Shoot me," Edward says laying his head on my shoulder. I'm not entirely sure Jessica didn't hear him, but she is still looking hopeful.

It's the same game, different day. This is a different girl, but still, the same game. History repeats, but maybe this time it can repeat and fall into a different outcome. I could be falling into the same heart trap, but we've played this before, and I won't follow the same path.

Edward is hiding his face, so I have to nudge him up.

"We were already planning to go, but you know it's whatever you want," I say, looking back and forth from him to her.

Jessica is staring at him like it's an obvious choice.

"Yeah, we're still going. It's all planned. I wouldn't go back on that," he says to me and then addresses Jessica. "Sorry, thanks for asking though."

"Well, that's gross. You're kind of like siblings." Disgust is written all over her face.

Edward is no help as he goes back to hiding; this time in the crook of my neck. His mouth is against my skin as he tries to muffle his laughter. I don't know what to say to Jessica. Everyone else has their head turned away as laughter shakes through their bodies.

I don't think this is funny. Is that what all these girls think of me? I'm someone Edward thinks of as a sister. This clearly shows I wouldn't even be able to deter them if we were together.

"Well, Bella, you could always have Tyler back, I'm done with him. Been there done that, and I have no interest in going back for more." Lauren bites into her apple.

"No thanks. But, Jessica, Tyler's available." I can feel Edward's teeth against my neck now. His movements are making me squirm.

Not a moment too soon, the lunch bell rings and Jessica and Lauren scurry on their way. Everyone else leaves too, but Edward wraps his arms around my waist, holding me back. I turn toward him, not that I'm complaining about the hold up, but I suspect he has a reason.

Edward is just looking at me as he seems to be contemplating something. I'm not sure what's about to happen, but my nerves start to reach record peaks.

"That dance, the winter formal, do you want to really go?" he asks.

That is not a clear enough question.

"I don't know what you're asking."

His mouth opens then shuts. He's still close, but with the bench empty now, there's more distance between us.

"Will you go to the winter formal with me?" His face is expressionless.

"Yeah." I try really hard to keep my face as expressionless as his, while still looking into his eyes.

"Yeah?" He asks like he didn't expect the word. My smile falls out of hiding. I nod to confirm that I did in fact agree.

"Okay. Cool." He smiles, sort of. At least I think I see a glimpse of his smile. We get up and head toward our separate classes.

"You know it's girls choice, so they are going to be hounding you for the next two months." I mischievously warn before we part.

"Good thing I won't be lying when I tell them why I have to say no." His back is already turned as he enters his class.

I have to run down the hall to mine and barely make it in time as the bell rings just as the door is closing behind me.

We have assigned seats that were of our own choosing at the beginning of the year. I slide into my seat next to Emmett and there's no containing my smile anymore. Emmett's trying to get me to tell him what's going on, but class is starting, so I've got some time to come up with an answer.

I pull my phone out under my desk and only look at it long enough to start a text for Alice. I push buttons without looking.

**-dylkgakq**

She'll know that means something happened.

The only reason Emmett is in this math class is because he cheats off of me. Although, I've got to give it to him, he seems to learn well through cheating. The last pop quiz I wasn't in class, he still managed to get a C.

Mr. Williams takes the straight lines of linear equations very seriously. He will likely have his back turned to us most of class as he perfects the equations on the board.

A waded up paper ball lands on my desk.

I glare over to Emmett because he can't just leave me alone. After I pull the paper under my desk, I open it slowly, so it doesn't make noise. Emmett couldn't have just folded it.

_**LOOK AT ME NOW!**_

I peek over as soon as I get the opportunity without getting caught.

He puts his hands out like he's saying, "What happened?"

I mouth, "Later."

He either doesn't understand or doesn't like my answer because he starts motioning toward where Eric Yorkie is sitting and making gross kissy fish lips and batting his eyelashes.

I jot down the assignment that's written on the upper corner of the white board before I glance back at Emmett. He's obviously been waiting for me to look back as he has a lineup of crude gestures making implications about Eric and me. I can't even help it when I laugh and reach over to push his arm. And because he's a dramatic ass, he grunts out loud as if I've hurt him.

"Swan. McCarty. Get out." Mr. Williams looks at us from over the top of his reading glasses. We don't have to be told twice—we grab our things and leave.

"He didn't say go to the office, so let's just hide out until our next class," I tell Emmett because we don't have very much longer to go anyway.

"Let's just leave. I'll come back for practice." Emmett leads us toward the truck. I only have gym and Spanish left, so leaving won't be that big of a deal.

"Can you drive? I have to make sure everyone knows we left." Emmett's already got his phone out.

On the drive home, Emmett's phone is constantly chiming and then mine starts buzzing and doesn't stop.

"Who did you text, and what did you tell them?" I glimpse over at Emmett who is vigorously trying to keep up with the demand on his phone.

"I told them you got us kicked out of school." He says it like that is what actually happened.

"_You_ got us kicked out of school. Who did you tell?"

"All my people," he says. I wonder if Ben and Angela are included in that statement.

"Great."

When I pull into the driveway, Emmett doesn't get out of the truck, so I turn toward him and lay my head back on the seat.

"So, Edward, huh?" He says this as more of an observation than a question.

"What do you mean?" I don't know which instance of Edward I'm supposed to acknowledge.

"That show at lunch and then you coming to class all smiley."

"Oh, that." I pull the key out of the ignition and stare out the windshield.

"How long have you been into Edward?" Emmett opens his door and starts gathering his things.

"Years," I admit, and he thinks on that for a moment.

"Okay." He nods like he gets it now. "This might get weird."

"Why? It's not like we're dating." I get out of the truck and we walk together toward the house.

"Yeah, right. With the way you're acting, I give it a week." Emmett unlocks the front door and lets me walk in first.

"What do you mean? How am I acting?" I drop my books on the table with more force than necessary.

"Nevermind. You're too stubborn for a week. Make it two." We've been in the house two seconds and he's already rifling through the fridge.

"Fine, but can you please not tell anyone about this conversation?" His face is hidden by the refrigerator door, so I can't properly read him through his expressions.

"Sure, Bella. You need to be careful, though. Don't go leading him on and breaking his heart."

"Why would you say that to me? Shouldn't you be worried about _my_ heart?" I thought he was protective of me.

"I've already talked to him."

"What? When? What did you say to him?" I go straight over and close the fridge just as he steps away from it.

"And this is me proving to you I can keep my mouth shut." He extends his pinky. I hook it with mine and narrowly escape him trying to poke me in the eye. The pinky promise of secrecy doesn't stop me from asking him a few more times what he talked about with Edward.

When I'm alone up in my room, after Emmett has left for practice, I reassure our friends that Emmett and I did not get in a brawl, and we left school on our own accord.

Since I am bound to get in trouble for ditching class, I call my dad to cover my tracks.

"Hey, Bella. Emmett already told me about school. Just don't make a habit of it." He doesn't sound mad, just concerned I could be starting bad habits.

"I won't. I'm sorry. I'll see you tonight."

I'll call Alice and tell her everything in a while. Right now, I want to indulge in this warm-feeling bubble and not analyze anything.

Life events happen in steps, and today was a new step I didn't plan for, but it happened. I want to continue up this winding staircase and not step back down. I took a risk and didn't tumble. I'm more confident that I can take more risks and open up new opportunities.

I want to dive in, heart-first, but I still have a sense of self-preservation. If I didn't, I would just let Rose get on with the pushing.

There are some things we still need to talk about, but I think we can move forward even if what I learn of the past hurts. My hopes are up so high, yet I'm not so scared this time.

After sitting down at my desk, I turn up the volume on happy love songs I'm not often in the mood for.

I open up my email to draft out new thoughts to Edward. This is the first time I've done this with a true sense of possibility.

Edward,

I want to push forward, always. I want us to stay on the same page and not veer off into different stories. I want to get to the point where I can feel your heartbeat under the palm of my hand and know that it's mine. I want to dream of a forever that's not overshadowed by dread.

Always,

Bella

_Saved to Drafts._

_._

_._

* * *

**A/N:**

Thanks for reading.

Many thanks to dazzled eyes22 and MissCherrie for pre-reading. Thanks so much EdwardsMate4ever and TDS88 for Betaing.

I posted my Taste of the Forbidden one-shot Not a Little Girl. It will be continued in the next week or two.

Thoughts on this chapter?


	11. Chapter 10: Shifting

*******Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 10: Shifting **

**.**

"I'm going to the bathroom, and when I get back, this conversation better be over." Alice and Rose have hit it off way too well in the ten minutes we've all been at the diner.

I lock myself in the single bathroom and walk over to the mirror.

I hope I wasn't smiling this much when I left the table. As gross as it is to hear about Rose and Emmett's escapades, it's worth seeing Rose bond with Alice.

My phone chimes in my purse, and I'm grateful for the distraction.

**-Edward: Where are you?**

I step outside of the bathroom. Rose and Alice are still talking animatedly, so I go out through the side exit and sit on the curb.

**-Hiding outside of the diner. Where are you?**

**-Edward: At your house. Why are you hiding?**

**-Because I already learned what Rose and Emmett do on the recliner in the middle of the night. I don't want to know this!**

I can't believe I just told him that.

**-Edward: Good thing Emmett is the only one that sits in that chair.**

**-And Charlie.**

**-Edward: Let's hope he never finds out then.**

I bite my lip, but I laugh out loud anyway. Luckily, no one else is in the parking lot. I'm not sure what else to say now. It's my turn to respond, but what can I say that will lead to more talking? If I just agree with him, then that may be the end of our conversation.

My foot is on top of a small rock, so I roll it around with my shoe. It's frustrating to want to desperately hold on to this communication. I kick the rock down the empty parking space. I'm at a loss for words, so I'll just have to let this end.

I start the text to agree with his last one, but am interrupted by another from him.

**-Edward: I'm leaving in a few. Need me to come save you?**

In any other situation, I would let him. I'll probably think about the possibilities of what could have happened all night.

**-I wish. I would be such a jerk if I left. I think I can endure Rose and Alice. Hopefully the conversation has changed subjects.**

**-Edward: Okay. Let me know if you need me, and I'll be there.**

Before stepping inside, I take a deep breath of the early evening air.

Rose and Alice are actively talking when I get back to the table. Fortunately, my burger and milkshake are waiting for me.

"Good, you're back. It's your turn to give me details," Rose says as she dips a fry in my strawberry shake.

I slide into the booth next to Alice, across from Rose.

"It's a great story. Jasper had a hickey, so I said, 'Hey, I want one.' It took a little persuasion, but I convinced him." I pull my shake out of Rose's reach. I don't like salt in my shakes.

"That's boring. So what, you practice on your friends? You could have asked me," Rose scoffs.

Alice just sits back and analyzes.

"Sorry, I didn't know. I'll ask you and Alice both the next time I feel the need to practice." I wonder if they would regret their offer if I ever did ask.

"You should have asked Edward. That would have been funny. He would have had a heart attack." Rose laughs at the idea.

Alice looks at me with her eyebrows raised, and I take a huge bite of my burger. I hope she got out all the squealing over all of mine and Edward's newly made plans on the phone last night, and again on the drive to and from Port Angeles.

"So you two don't talk about this kind of stuff?" Alice looks back and forth between the two of us.

"Well, Bella doesn't like to hear about Emmett, and I kind of pushed her a few times." Rose shrugs it off like it's no big deal.

"But Bella doesn't tell you about guys?" Alice isn't going to let this go.

"Like I said, I've pushed her. I can't help it. I push."

"Okay?" Alice looks at me confused.

I laugh under my breath and keep eating.

"Fine. So there was this new guy when we were in seventh grade. His name was Riley and everyone liked him, but Bella wouldn't admit she did."

"Because I didn't," I interrupt.

"Whatever, I got her to admit she didn't think he was ugly," Rose declares, thinking it validates her intervention.

"And then she proceeded to push me into him every chance she got." I glare at Rose.

Rose laughs and I remember how relieved I was the day Riley moved.

"I don't have to face him anymore, but Garrett still looks at me weird all the time." I point at Rose with a fry.

"I told Garrett he's the lead role in all of Bella's fantasies," Rose informs Alice with no remorse.

"Again, that wasn't true. So, moral of the story—don't tell Rose anything. Who knows what she would do with real information."

"No. You know what, Bella? I'm going to pay attention, and I'm going to figure out all your secrets." She reaches forward and pulls my shake back within her reach.

.

.

.

Alice drops me off at home but needs to get home herself, so she doesn't have time to come inside. She will be here Friday though. Rosalie didn't give her much choice.

It's a cool, clear night, so I spend a few extra moments outside. I wish Edward hadn't already left. Maybe I should call him, but then I might seem desperate. If I was that desperate I would have let him come to the diner. I'm not desperate, just infatuated.

After setting down the plate of cupcakes Alice and I made in class today, I sit on the front porch steps and reread my earlier text conversation with Edward.

All I want to do is call him, but I don't have anything to say. I want to be able to call him all the time and not have to have something to say.

Gazing up at the stars, I wonder if some of them are mine. If I do have stars, I hope the direction my life is taking means that my stars are aligning into the position they were always meant to find. There are dimmer stars though; they must be the people that are distant, like my mother. They are always a part of the bigger picture, but the other stars shine so bright you don't always have to deal with them.

Inside, my dad and Emmett are playing cards. I sit down to join them.

"Did you have a nice time, Bella?" my dad asks.

"Yeah, we made cupcakes." Emmett is already eyeing the plastic-wrapped paper plate, so I push it over to him.

"We're almost done here. Do you want to pick the next game?" Charlie asks me as I slide the plate of cupcakes over in his direction.

"Sure. I like Go Fish."

"That's…" He swallows his words. "That will be fun."

I get us all glasses of milk to go with the cupcakes, while they finish their game.

We play three rounds and Charlie keeps asking to play again. I don't know if he's really enjoying this or he has an agenda.

We're on round five, and Emmett doesn't hold in his groan when Charlie asks to play again.

"Just one more round," Emmett declares.

"Fine. If it's one more round, I get to lay all the fish out like a pond instead of a stack." I don't wait for anyone to agree; I just spread out the cards. This was always my favorite part of this game until Emmett said it was how babies play.

"So, Bella," Charlie says steadily as the game begins.

"So, what?" He's not asking about my cards.

"Heard you're lettin' Edward take you to some dance. Hey, Emmett, got a seven?"

Emmett passes the card, and I'm in shock, looking back and forth between the two of them as they continue on with the game.

"Did he say something?" I try to keep my voice even.

"Well, who else besides you or him would have said something?" He always has to be difficult.

"What did he say?" I squeeze my lips together to keep from showing my excitement.

He groans before answering. "I told you. He said you two are going to some dance."

I take a few more turns before I ask again. "But what did he say exactly? And how did it come up?"

"I didn't take notes. Do you want me to give him a call and ask him to repeat it?"

I huff and keep playing.

"So, it's Edward now? I thought you were likin' that Newton kid."

"I don't know why you would have thought that," I snap.

"You're probably going to need a new dress, huh?" Charlie asks as we count up our cards.

"Yeah, but it's not for a few months." I relax as I realize he won't be speaking anymore about Mike. Never have I given anyone the impression that I have a thing for Mike Newton.

"Well, here," he says as he pulls out his wallet and lays a few twenties down in front of me. He lays a few in front of Emmett too.

"Thank you," I tell him, and he kind of nods before leaving the room. I think maybe this isn't as easy for him as it seems.

Emmett slides his money across the table to me. "I have money." He dislikes accepting money more than I do. His mother's brother sends him money every few months. He takes it only because it's less my dad has to spend on him.

Once the table is cleared Emmett says, "Come help me put batteries in the flashlights for Friday, and I'll tell you what _he_ said."

I don't have to ask who_ he_ is.

Emmett has a bag full of stuff in his closet that he doesn't let me see. He digs around and pulls out four flashlights.

I sit on the floor with my legs crisscrossed and open the package of batteries. My knees bounce in my impatience.

Emmett starts laughing at me, but he doesn't get it. Edward would not play games with my dad.

"He said, 'Bella agreed to let me take her to the next dance at school. Is that okay with you?' Then Charlie said, 'Sure, kid. Have fun,'" Emmett says giving his impression of both Edward's and Charlie's voices.

"Okay, but how did he look when he said it?"

"I guess like he was nervous."

I make him tell me six more times. It's not something I'll get tired of hearing anytime soon.

Overwhelming excitement takes over and I have to clamp my hand over my own mouth to cover my laughing screams.

Emmett stares at me like I've lost it, and he's right because I probably have.

"Do you think Rosie acts like this about me?"

I'm hysterically laughing with happiness so I just nod.

.

.

.

Alice comes over before everyone else and we immediately sequester ourselves in my room. I'm getting the impression that what appears to be jittery excitement is actually the way Alice deals with anxiety.

She's indiscreetly snooping around my room. She checks the closet that is filled with nothing but clothes and a few pairs of shoes. She peeks in drawers and is disappointed every time. I'm not sure what she is hoping to find.

"Do you at least have a diary?"

"No, sorry."

We hear other people arrive downstairs, but Alice starts digging around in her backpack and sits with her legs bent on the floor.

I hope she doesn't really think we will be sitting in here all night.

"So what should we do?" Alice asks.

_Go downstairs with everyone else. _I'm not sure how to deal with this. She seemed fine meeting Rose and didn't seem uncomfortable when we invited her over.

"Will you help me practice making cupcakes? I bought all the ingredients. I need to be ready to make them with Edward's mom tomorrow."

"Sure, I could do that."

As soon as we get downstairs, Alice greets Rose with a hug. My first feeling is worry at how Rose will react to Alice's overly affectionate nature, and then I am filled with envy as Rose returns the hug. It's not even forced.

Emmett hugs her too. Ben's the only other person here and Alice goes straight in to hug him as well.

As Alice and I make our way past them, Rose points at her eyes with two fingers and then at me with one. She repeats the motion a few times. _I'm watching you. _

Alice is better at baking than me. I have to concentrate on exact measurements and check the recipe card multiple times. She just goes with it like it's second nature. I would take her to the Cullens' with me tomorrow if it weren't for the fact I'm spending time with Edward after.

I hear Jasper and Edward arrive with Angela in tow. We're pouring the batter in baking cups, so I don't greet them at the door.

My skin is pinched right above my hip as Edward brushes by me. He extends his hand to Alice when I introduce them and she shakes it. I can tell she's trying to hold in her reaction to him by the way the tight line of her lips are curling at the ends.

As he walks past, Alice's eyes grow wide and she mouths, "Wow." She turns her head to check him out from the back. I clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing.

Jasper approaches us and I'm not sure if he caught Alice's little show or not.

"Alice, this is Jasper."

He reaches his hand out to Alice, but she doesn't take it. "Hi," She says. Then she turns to start rinsing off the dishes.

"It was nice to meet you."

"You too," she says with her back still turned.

Jasper looks to me for answers, but all I can do is shrug. The confused look on his face and the slump of his shoulders don't go away as he leaves the kitchen to join everyone else.

"What was that?"

Alice turns to me and says, "Oh sorry, I just don't like to be touched."

I want to make her clarify as it is an obvious lie, but I'm interrupted by Angela.

Alice hugs her in greeting. She's not doing very well in playing up this anti-touching charade.

Angela offers to help make frosting. Alice agrees, while I try not to be annoyed by her presence. When Angela catches me looking at her, I smile. She doesn't deserve my bitterness. Some feelings linger, but I need to replace the ones I feel toward her.

We all sit in the living room eating pizza as we listen to Emmett tell fabricated stories. I sit on the couch between Alice and Angela and watch as Emmett animatedly talks with his hands. Rose leans on the arm of the recliner chair Emmett is sitting in. Edward, Jasper, and Ben sit to the left of us in chairs they pulled in from the other room.

"All right, since I respect personal privacy I'm not going to name names," Emmett says.

Rose scoffs as she nudges his shoulder. I can't help laughing.

Emmett is not amused.

"Why are you laughing? I didn't tell anyone who you were giggling about the other day," Emmett says directly to me. I cover my face with my hands.

"What? Who?" I hear Rose ask, but no one answers.

Feeling completely mortified, I drop my hands and silently plead with Emmett to drop this subject.

Through the ordeal, I do not look at Edward. I have no idea if Emmett gave any revealing looks at Edward while my eyes were covered.

I feel Angela slide her arm under mine and she squeezes our interlocked arms. Her silent support touches deep.

Emmett gives me a silently mouthed, "Sorry."

Although I haven't looked around, I can feel more than one set of eyes watching me. I feel too much pressure to say something, and I have no interest in finding out how everyone is looking at me in this moment.

I'm relieved when Emmett carries on, reliving an overheard locker room conversation. I take the opportunity to leave the room.

I'm about to step into the kitchen when Jasper's arm is around the back of my neck pulling me to the den. Once inside, he closes the door. He's the last person I would expect to pull me aside to interrogate me.

"Are you okay?" He sits down on the couch.

"Yeah. Are you?" I follow him and sit on the opposite end facing him.

"Yeah. Why won't your friend talk to me? I really want to. Was I rude? She won't even look at me—how could I have already pissed her off?"

"I have no idea. I think she's just anxious. I'll talk to her."

He nods, but he looks hurt and withdrawn.

"You're hanging out with Edward tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Why are you so tense?" He looks genuinely concerned.

"I'm not. Why would you say that?"

"Because whenever Edward is around, or we talk about him, you start fidgeting. Like right now."

"I am not," I say, but then I realize my hands are fisting.

"You are." He starts shifting the picture frames on the table.

"He just makes me nervous sometimes." I look at the pictures as he goes to each individual one, and I notice my most recent one has been moved back to the smaller table in the corner.

"I don't get why. We all used to be friends, but then you shut him out."

There have been so many times I've wanted to ask Jasper more about Edward, but didn't. So many times I was too afraid of the answers he might have given me.

"Has he ever said anything about that?"

Jasper nods. "He thinks you have feelings for me, or he thought you did. I told him you don't. But, Bella, we had that chance to figure it out. What if you could have feelings for Edward, but you're always too scared to find out?"

Finding out I have feelings for Edward is not what I'm afraid of.

We leave the den and find everyone else has dispersed.

I glance around for Edward, but when I don't see him, I join Angela and Alice as they frost the cupcakes in the kitchen.

Alice pulls my arm until my side is flush up against her front and she moves my hair back to whisper in my ear. "I think Edward's mad you went off with Jasper. He went out back."

I don't question why she thinks he's mad, I just go. I step out back, and even though it's now dark out, I can see Edward sitting on the stone steps my dad and Emmett put in where the yard slopes.

I walk up behind him. I can hear twigs crack under my shoes, but Edward doesn't turn around. The tension in the air is terrifying.

It's fight or flight. But fighting and fleeing are counteractive. He's my biggest threat. The power I've had no choice in giving him makes being right here, so close, the only place I want to be and the scariest place I've ever been.

I sit down beside him and whisper, "Hi."

He turns toward me, giving me a slight smile before looking straight ahead.

He's in one of these moods where I know there will be no flirty words and sweet touches. I came after him, so now it's up to me to lighten the situation.

I lean over until my ear is pressed against his shoulder. "Why are you so stiff?"

"Will you tell me what Jasper said?"

I lift my head up so I can look at him. "He just wanted to make sure I was okay, but I think he mostly wanted to talk to me about Alice."

He shakes his head, but his posture relaxes.

"Does that annoy you?" he asks, turning back to face me.

"No, but it looks like it might annoy Alice."

Awkward silence. Every moment that passes reduces my confidence. Tomorrow he expects me to open up and talk to him, but how will I be able to do that if I can't talk now when there are no expectations?

He pulls one of the flashlights I remember from Emmett's room from the large pocket on his cargo pants and points it toward the ground, clicking it on and off. I have nothing to do. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want me out here.

A vibrating hum breaks up the long silence.

Edward pulls out his phone and, after reading it, says, "We're supposed to vacate the premises. Do you want to walk?"

He stands up and reaches for my hand, helping me up. Once I'm standing, he drops my hand. We fall into step side by side through the small wooded area behind my house.

"We should talk out here, now that you're stuck with me for a while." He stops walking and my heart races.

"What should we say?" Fleeing from this isn't an option right now. I have to fight for something, but what do I choose. It's fight for my pride and brush him off, or take the risk and fight with my heart.

"I don't know, I'm nervous," he admits. I'm sad to see he looks as uneasy as I feel.

I reach up until my hand is on the curve where his neck meets his shoulder. "Why would you be nervous?"

As hard as I try to hold his gaze, it's too much, and I have to keep looking away.

"I feel like we're in an okay place right now, but I could bring up something that will cause you to pull away." He grabs my hip and pulls me a few inches closer.

My face tightens as I frown. "I won't, but maybe you will."

Edward shakes his head in quick, short movements, and with the grin on his face, all tension is erased.

My chest shakes with held-in laughs and Edward lets out a chuckle of his own. He pulls me even closer as his arm snakes behind my back, and I wrap my arms around his neck.

My forehead rests against the front of his shoulder. A cool breeze blows around us, wrapping us in the kind of silence that calms before turning into anticipation of possibilities.

You can't kiss someone if you're looking away. I lift my head and look at him. There is nothing between us, but a few inches of space.

"What were you giggling about the other day?"

Different emotions simmer inside me and the need to either laugh or cry at his question ping-pong back and forth.

"Because, for some reason, my dad felt the need to play cards with me for an hour before giving me money for a dress."

He laughs and says, "Sorry. Was it embarrassing?"

"No, but now you can't get out of taking me."

"I wasn't going to try."

I hold his gaze. My eyes try to close or look away, but I fight their pull. He drops his head down until his forehead touches mine and then everything is dark. The back porch light has been shut off.

Edward sighs and pulls out his flash light before leading me toward the house with his hand against my lower back.

The porch light starts flashing off and on.

Emmett steps outside. "Rose ruined it. They are together now, so just come in."

"How did she ruin it?" I ask.

"She told Ben if he likes Angela, he should ask her out and he did."

We go inside and Angela and Ben are sitting next to each other with an awkward distance in between. Hopefully, they will be able to figure this out despite Rose's pushing.

Alice is still avoiding Jasper. I feel guilty for leaving her alone, but she rushes over to inform us of the new sleeping arrangements that everyone else has already agreed to.

I'm pulled into the den by Alice, and Angela is more than willing to wish everyone goodnight and accompany us.

"Did he kiss you?" Alice asks as soon as the door is closed. She already has her and Angela's bags in here and something for me to sleep in. I'm not mad that she took it upon herself to do this but worried that she's still as uncomfortable here as she was when she first got here.

"No." Angela answers, and I shake my head at Alice from behind Angela's back. She scrunches her face as if it was not the answer she was expecting to hear.

"Well, there's always tomorrow," Alice says to Angela, but I know her words are still for me.

I move the coffee table out of the way and Alice and Angela pull out the bed. Alice asks if she can sleep in the middle as she crawls up the bed.

"Bella, will you spoon me?"

I groan internally. I should send her out to Jasper.

"If you tell me why you have a problem with Jasper."

"I don't. I just want it to be clear that I'm here for you." Her words contradict the fact that she looked Edward up and down upon meeting him. I'll figure out what her deal is. This whole full disclosure friendship this is double-sided.

.

* * *

**A/N:**

Thanks for reading this. I really appreciate it.

I'm so grateful for dazzled eyes22 and MissCherrie who pre-read and EdwardsMate4ever and thir13enth for Betaing. Thank you all!

Tell me what you think?


	12. Chapter 11: Dilemmas

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Dilemmas**

This isn't going to work. I brought the recipe from class, but Esme has no interest in following it. The dash of cinnamon may have been okay, but the extra cup of milk in the batter she deemed too thick definitely isn't. I'd rather pledge undying love to Edward in front of his parents than deal with the disaster these cupcakes are sure to be. Edward's still not here, so using him to get me out of this is not an option.

How long do the guys usually play basketball for anyway? Emmett always goes to Rose's afterward, so I have no idea. I could ask Esme, but that might be weird. I'm not sure if she knows I'm not leaving after lunch. If not, I don't know how to deal with that situation either.

No matter how much time I spend with Esme, I'm never sure how to be around her. My admiration for her is intimidating.

"Bella, could you open the oven for me?" Her soft voice is one of the kindest I've ever heard. In fact, so is her whole disposition.

I pull down on the oven door handle as Esme slides the catastrophe inside. I'm relieved, and a different kind of uneasy, when I hear the front door open.

"Eww. Go take a shower and pull your shorts up," Esme says to Edward, who is not yet where I can see him. I know it's him, though. Who else would it be?

"One or the other," Edward says, as he walks into the kitchen. He smirks at me before grabbing a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. His hair is damp from sweat, and maybe it's gross, but I don't really mind it. I'd rather he stayed right here than go up to shower.

He's not wearing a shirt, and the shorts do need to be pulled up because this is the meanest thing he has ever done to me. He has lines in places I know weren't there the last time I saw him shirtless; back when Rose wanted to discreetly ogle Emmett whenever they played basketball at the park. Rose and Emmett being together left her with no reason to watch him from a distance, so we stopped going. At the time, I didn't know Emmett was the reason we were going; I only knew the reason why I was willing to go.

"Shower, now. And hurry up. Lunch is in ten," Esme says with a firm voice, but she's not hiding the smile she has for him. "Bella, I'll be right back. I've got the chicken salad chilling in the other fridge. Be careful not to let _this_ get too close to you," she says, motioning to Edward before leaving the room.

Esme is the best definition of a mother. She's graceful and gives the right amount of smothering and space. With parents like his, there's no way Edward could have grown up to be anything less than perfect.

He tilts his head back as he gulps down water, and I let my eyes glance down his torso for a fraction of a second. By the time he looks at me again, I'm ready to deal with my current dilemma.

I step toward him and speak low. "Your mom added some extras to the batter. I didn't want to tell her she was ruining them, but I don't think we will be able to call what comes out of the oven cupcakes."

"Probably not," he says as he reaches over and cranks up the temperature of the oven. "Now it will be my fault. Don't worry."

I smile and nod, but look away. I can't even look at him directly when he is fully clothed; this is a whole different form of torture.

He lets loose an evil snicker as I feel the air move and his proximity becomes closer. His hand grabs mine and pulls me near. At the same time, his mouth finds my neck and he blows wet raspberries. I instinctively push him away, but my hand stops pushing when it's met with the bare skin that covers his ribs.

He laughs and says, "Sorry."

He wipes off any moisture left on my neck from his mouth as my hand lingers on his side. We hear the heavy door that leads to the garage shut, and Edward's eyes grow wide before he takes off.

I turn my back to Esme as she enters the room. I can't stop smiling over the way Edward ran off, the already ruined cupcakes that are now sure to burn, and the tingles I'm still feeling on my hand and neck.

I compose myself before turning to see what I can help with.

"You'd think that boy would at least behave with you here. Can you grab some plates for me?" Esme gestures toward the cupboard I'm standing in front of.

I grab four plates, because even though I haven't seen him, when I got here, Esme said Carlisle was in his office.

"So, Bella? I got an interesting phone call the other day." Esme is cutting open bread rolls, but the tone she's using doesn't sound like small talk. It sounds like my dad when he's preparing to tell me something he's not sure about how to bring up.

"Oh?" I bring the plates over to her, taking careful steps so I don't drop the stack of white ceramic dishes.

"Are you friends with Jessica Stanley?"

"Not really."

"Hmm." Esme starts spooning her chicken salad onto the bread. I'm slightly nervous, but primarily confused.

"What can I help with?"

"Oh, could you grab a bag of potato chips out of the pantry? The boys like to have chips with their sandwiches."

I glance at the oven as I walk by, but the glass on the door isn't clear enough to make out what is going on inside. I bring a bag of chips over to where Esme is now slicing fruit and arranging the pieces on the plate. She picks up a plastic bottle, similar to the ones that hold ketchup at the diner. When she drizzles the dark red sauce over the fruit, it looks amazing. It's hard to believe she can't follow a basic cake recipe.

"So, this call I got the other day. You know Edward insists on not being allowed to date? It's ridiculous really. Why wouldn't a boy date in high school? Well, I was told that Edward may be being coerced to break the rules." She gives me a knowing look.

So Jessica Stanley called Esme to tattle on me? He'll be sure to go out with her now.

"I don't mind reinforcing his made-up rules, but if there's a chance I don't have to… well, I'd really like that."

I just nod while hoping it's okay that I don't say anything else. What would I say? _Yes of course. I'll keep working on coercing your son to date me._ I didn't coerce him, did I?

We carry the plates to the cherry wood table, and even with the quilted placemats absorbing the sound of the plates being set down, Carlisle and Edward appear moments later.

I wait for everyone to sit before I attempt to. Carlisle greets me before he sits at the head of the table, while Edward and Esme go to either side of him. Edward pulls out the chair beside him for me, right before he sits down.

I take a bite of the sandwich and feel different ingredients on my tongue and between my teeth as I chew. I can't distinguish what they are, but I can tell it's not just chicken. At home, I would normally put the chips inside my sandwich, but I won't do that here. Actions that would be normal at my house may come off as rude here.

Edward proves me right. He opens his sandwich, shoves chips inside, and squishes the bread back down.

"Why do you have to do that? Don't tell me to make it crunchy. There are walnuts and celery in there, it's plenty crunchy." Esme is reprimanding Edward, but I can tell she's amused.

Edward pulls my plate closer to him and repeats the action with the chips.

"Seriously, Edward. You don't touch other people's food." Esme's scolding is stern this time.

I don't know how to tell her "it's okay, I prefer my sandwich this way" without offending her.

Carlisle pushes his plate towards Edward, and he gives Carlisle's sandwich the same treatment.

Esme looks at me and shakes her head with a pursed smile. I don't remember if, when my mother was around, we ever had this kind of goofy banter.

Carlisle discusses plans to tour colleges on the East Coast. College is still a ways away, so I never considered the fact that Edward may go out of state for school. Edward listens to his father but doesn't contribute to the conversation.

Carlisle and Esme are virtual opposites. Carlisle has blond hair and blue eyes. He's tall with pointed, chiseled features. Both Esme's eyes and hair are brown, like mine, but her coloring is multi-dimensional. She's a tad shorter than me, and her facial features are all flawlessly rounded. Edward looks like neither of them individually; rather, he resembles both of them combined. Everything about Edward's appearance is the halfway mark between that of his parents.

"What are you two up to today?" Edward asks.

"Oh, we're going to that art exhibit I told you about the other day. It's in Seattle, so we may rent a room if it gets too late. You're both more than welcome to come along." Esme looks at me, excited at the idea.

I glance over to Edward to see if he wants to go. If he doesn't answer, I won't feel right about it unless I agree. I told my dad I'd be home this evening, but I'm sure he'd understand.

"Can we go next time? We made plans, and Jasper's coming over later." Edward turns down her offer, but he sounds genuinely interested in going in the future.

I'm afraid she will be disappointed, but she looks more excited.

"That will be great. I'll find out what exhibit is being featured next. I'll talk to Charlie, and we'll make a weekend out of it."

I smile at Esme. She is looking at Edward and me with a pride I'm not used to seeing. The moment is short-lived as the timer starts going off in the kitchen.

After excusing herself, Esme makes her way to the kitchen and Edward immediately starts laughing.

"Dammit, Edward!"

Edward and Carlisle both evidently find this funny.

"Why did you turn up the oven? You know every time you do that you burn the food," Esme says as she comes back in the room.

"Sorry. I just wanted them to cook faster."

She shakes her head at him, but he already seems to be off the hook.

"Well, they're ruined now. We'll have to get together soon and try again."

"Yeah, whenever you want," I tell Esme.

"I'll help," Edward says to his mom, and she's once again elated at the idea.

It's funny the way Edward keeps almost getting in trouble.

We finish lunch, and Edward and I clean up so his parents can get ready for their evening out.

"Thanks for diverting the cupcake fiasco. I'm sorry you almost got in trouble for it," I say to Edward when I'm sure no one else will hear.

"My mom probably would have cried if she knew she ruined them. Next time, I'll make sure she doesn't add anything." I follow Edward out of the room. "Let's just pretend to watch a movie until they leave."

I agree, but I'm worried that when they leave, they may ask me to as well.

While Edward puts on a movie, I sit at the end of the three-seat couch with my legs crossed angled toward the middle. When Edward takes the middle seat his body isn't too close, but his leg is just barely touching mine.

The movie is an action romance, but probably belongs to Esme as it's more of a romance. I resist the urge to glance at Edward at every almost-kiss and almost-love confession. His legs are in my line of sight as I look at the screen. He never sits still. His knees randomly bounce up and down, and when they're still, his fingers are tapping on them. I wonder what it sounds like in his head.

I hear Esme and Carlisle come downstairs. Even though they don't come into the same room as us, I start getting nervous that they are going to tell me it's time for me to go.

Edward covers my knee with his hand. "Hey, what's wrong?"

My nails dig into my palms. "Do you think I should leave when your parents do?"

He closes his eyes and breathes deep. "I guess. If you want to, but can you at least give me ten minutes after they leave?"

He sounds almost like he's pleading with me for my time.

"No. If it's okay for me to stay, I'll stay. I just don't know if your parents will be okay with that."

"I don't think they will say anything, but if they do, we'll just go somewhere else."

His hand on my knee should be comforting, but it makes me more nervous as his parents approach and he doesn't remove it.

"Oh, I love this movie," Esme says as she enters the room.

Edward squeezes my knee as he stands up. Esme hugs him, and I can hear her speaking softly, but I can't make out her words.

When she lets go of Edward, she turns to me. Esme has hugged me several times before, but I'm never sure exactly how to return the hug. She wraps one arm under mine and the other over my shoulder. Her embrace is tight, and I lightly press my hands against her back.

I get my own softly spoken words. "Bella, there's a shopping bag by the front door for you. It's just some things I bought for myself that I forgot to return, so I thought you could use them."

"Thank you." I glance over and see Edward shaking his head at his dad, but he's smiling.

She pulls away, but looks at me and smiles for a moment.

"It was nice to see you, Bella," Carlisle says with a slight bow of his head.

"You too."

Edward wishes them a good evening, and I echo his words. To my relief, they return the sentiment. They head out through the door that connects to their three-car garage without asking me to leave.

His parents are gone, and although Edward said we were only pretending to watch a movie until they leave, he sits back down as if he really is watching this movie.

He stares straight ahead while I watch his eyes and count the seconds between his blinks. Twice his eyes shift to look at me sideways. Both times I don't stop staring. Five more blinks and he looks again. This time, he smiles, exposing all of his top teeth.

"Do you still want to go upstairs and see my room?" He glances at me again, but then looks back to the movie.

I don't know. I do, but I don't. Going upstairs is something I want to do, but I don't know what to expect. Can we predict that? Some things you just have to wait and see how they play out.

"Yes."

His lips retreat into his mouth as he nods.

"Okay. I'm going to call Jasper real quick and see when he'll be here. You can go up. I'll be there in a few minutes." He pulls out his phone as he stands.

He smiles at me from just one side his mouth before he steps outside. Unless Jasper is leaving in the next few minutes, he is not going to tell Edward when he will be here.

Before going upstairs, I use the bathroom. Just in case we're upstairs for a while, it doesn't seem like the sort of thing I'd be comfortable excusing myself for.

I walk up the stairs slowly. I've been upstairs before, but I've never made my way up there alone. Esme and Carlisle's room is on the second floor. The second level of the house is only a partial level. There are just two rooms. The one that doesn't belong to his parents used to be Edward's. It's now Esme's lavender-painted sitting room. Someday, if I have a home with an extra room that needs a purpose, it will be a sitting room.

I turn to the right and up a second set of stairs to the third floor. I peek in the open door of a guest room I've slept in a few times before. That was back when my mom first left and my dad was juggling work and raising me on his own. It was nice staying here with that big wooden dollhouse that still sits in the corner. That was until reality set in that staying here meant my mom wasn't home. My dad adjusted his schedule quickly, and overnights at the Cullens' were no longer required. Esme asked me to stay a few times after that, but I thought it best I be home for when my mom came back. It never occurred to me that she wasn't coming back.

Edward's room is down the hall, third door on the right. There's a closet, a bathroom, and then the door I'm headed for. The door in the bathroom has another door, which leads to his bedroom.

His door is closed and it feels strange opening it without him. Even though it's late afternoon, his room is only dimly lit when I step inside. I feel the wall for the light switch, but it doesn't work.

There's a slender beam of sunlight coming from between his heavy black curtains. It's enough light for me to navigate to his bedside lamp. I have to step around a few blankets and pillows on the floor.

The switch is rigid plastic that hurts my fingers to twist. The lamp only projects a soft light, so I twist again, but then it's too bright. One more turn and it's blinding. I twist it off and then back to the first setting. The slight glow has a similar effect as if I had just lit a candle.

I slide off my shoes right before setting them next to the door. Edward wasn't wearing shoes when I came upstairs. I look around, and here I am, alone in Edward's room—about to be alone _with Edward_ in his room.

.

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**A/N**

Hi. Thanks for reading. Sorry to leave it there. What do you hope happens next?

Thanks dazzled eyes22 and MissCherrie who pre-read. Thanks EdwardsMate4ever and HollettLA who beta'd.

Thanks ttharman who rec'd Boundaries Undefined on her story. She writes a great Possessive/Tattward/Olderward in **Illusion of Innocence. **

Thanks again for reading.


	13. Chapter 12: Onyx

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Onyx**

I walk aimlessly around Edward's room not sure what I should be doing.

He has a shelf and a dresser topped with random objects and pictures. There are black onyx stones and Little League trophies. An iPod and a spiral bound notebook lie out in the open. I wonder what's inside, but I don't peek at either. And on the long dresser across the room, there are corpses of grossly entombed bugs I shudder just looking at. I've seen these scorpions and tarantulas in stores, but never thought anyone actually bought them.

I sit on his black silk-covered bed and think about how this room is all him. He is like perfect, polished black so shined you can see your own reflection. He's midnight darkness—mysterious, while at the same time out in the open for everyone to see. He's everything that contradicts and the more I know, the more I don't.

His comforter is sleek as my hand slides across. I remember how my bare skin feels gliding across my own cotton sheets. I wonder if his sheets feel like his comforter and what bare skin would feel like covered in them.

I get up to check under his comforter, pulling up a pillow, and, as I suspect, his sheets are black and silky. I jump when I hear the door close. My heart is already racing from feeling like a snoop and now it's trying to pound its way out of my chest from the fact that he closed the door.

His smile is the goofy flirty one that always makes me mad. I want to go back to the place where I loved that smile, back when I thought it was just for me.

He looks at me with his head tilted before he walks toward me. "What are you doing, Bella?"

"Checking what color your sheets are," I tell him honestly while I fix the blanket I had lifted.

He jumps onto the bed, next to where I'm standing, ruffling it up.

"I'd let you have them, but they won't fit your bed."

"Yeah, we'd have to trade beds." I don't want it to, but my mind runs to the thoughts of who has been here with him on this same bed.

"We can take a nap," he says, and I let him pull me so I'm standing between his legs that are hanging over the side of the bed.

"Is this what you do? You lure girls to your bed with talks of naps." I say with amusement, though it's the opposite of what I feel.

He looks at me like my words are bizarre. "What? No. I don't have girls here."

"Never?" I ask because, even with his reaction, it's hard to believe.

"Never," he says, shaking his head.

I know I started it, but I don't like this subject. I glance away and realize the random pillows and blankets on the floor look more like a makeshift bed.

"Why do you have so many pillows on the floor?"

He laughs under his breath. "So Jasper quits trying to sleep with me. I can't get him to sleep in the other room."

I smile because I can imagine Jasper seeing no problem with sleeping next to Edward. But even with Edward insisting on the makeshift bed, I bet Jasper doesn't always sleep on the floor.

"Does he sleep here a lot?"

He nods. "Not every night. His mom's seeing some new guy, Demetri. Jasper says he's not so bad. I haven't met him. If Jasper can stand being home though, he must be okay."

"Did Jasper say when he's coming?"

"Later. He's being weird." He shifts and the insides of his legs are touching the outside of mine.

"How is he being weird?" I let my hands rest just above his knees.

"Alice. This morning he said something like 'How can liking someone make you feel so bad?' I think he's just brooding. He doesn't know how to deal with feelings he's not used to."

"She's just being distant because she wants to be my friend and not a girl hanging around to get close to you or Jasper. She was being pretty extreme about it though. I'll try to talk to her again."

"At least Rose took Em back." He brushes his hands over the backs of mine. "You aren't that close with Rose anymore, huh?"

"She kind of branched off with Emmett."

His gaze falls to my where our hands are. "And then you branched off with Jasper." It's not a question. It's the way he feels.

I get it because even though I never set out to pair off with Jasper, I realize how it must look to Edward. I've always known my place with Jasper. Counting on Jasper is easy. Edward makes me feel like I'm in the perfect place preparing for an earthquake.

He lifts his hands off of mine and I take mine off of him. It suddenly feels like I'm not allowed to touch him. Why couldn't I have just gone ahead with the nap? Talking is overrated. Talking just brings obstacles that set us back, but not talking means never knowing where we stand.

"I thought I was branching off with you." I look down at the white material of his shirt as my throat starts closing up.

"So why did you stop?" he asks, and my throat tightens more.

It's like one of those blood pressure machines that squeeze your arm and you're sure it's never going to stop squeezing until your arm explodes. At least you eventually get your arm free. My airways don't have the same chance. This talk has gotten too serious too fast.

"It started to feel like you were using me, and I didn't know where I stood with you." I don't look at him until the words are out.

"How did I use you?" The whole top half of his face furrows.

"You wanted me to be your excuse to get girls you didn't like to leave you alone."

I want him to deny it, but he doesn't say anything. I take a step back. The distance between us is always fluctuating.

"I'm sorry," he says, closing his eyes. "I didn't know you felt that way. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because, at the time, you were just making implications. If you had asked me to go to a dance with you so you wouldn't have to go with someone else, or if you wanted to pretend we were together so you had a concrete reason to turn someone down, I would have done it. But I never knew what you actually wanted from me."

"I would never ask you to do that. And I don't want to go anywhere with you as an excuse, so if that's the only reason you said you'd go with me to this next dance, tell me now."

I stare at his eyes and his pupils get a little bigger. I don't remember if that's supposed to mean something. I read about it somewhere once, but what does it mean? He's lying or he likes me? Or I'm just shadowing the light.

"No. I want to go with you. I wanted to go to the last one too." I feel jittery standing here and looking directly at him, so I climb up on his bed until I'm sitting with my back against a pillow propped up by his dark-wood headboard.

"With me?" he asks as he moves to lie down next to where I'm sitting.

My chest rises with the depth of the breath I have to take to keep answering his questions. "Yes."

"And Jasper told me how you guys figured everything out. You know you don't want to be with him? Sometimes it seems like you do, but you're always fine with him being with other people."

"I don't. I tried to want to be with Jasper, but it didn't work. You can't force feelings. I probably really confused him too."

He reaches over, grabbing my hand. His fingers slide across the tips of my nails like it's still natural for him to do. As if weights have been lifted off and we can go back to before everything went so wrong. If only it were that easy.

"Is that everything then? Is that why you were crying the other day? And why you backed away from me so much?"

_Tanya. _Her name plays in my mind, but I won't let it out of my mouth. She doesn't belong here. Making him confirm what I already know, will just push us back.

"You say flirty things sometimes. And I feel like you're just teasing me."

His fingers stop moving against mine.

"I'm not trying to make fun of you. Teasing doesn't mean lying. I've never lied to you."

So many lines run through my head and it's hard to imagine any of them, let alone all of them, being true.

"Is that what you've been trying do to me? Because it really feels like you're flirting, but also like you're trying to mess with my head," he says.

I can't help smiling to myself. I should have tried flirting back sooner. I never knew how well it would work.

"I don't see how. All I've done is honestly answer your questions."

"So I can ask you questions and you'll tell me the truth."

"Yes."

He hums and I can tell he's coming up with questions, but I don't want to revert to the sad form of questioning.

"One more question and nothing that has anything to do with sad or mad." I say with the power I hope he'll let me have over where this conversation is going.

I move down so I'm lying sideways beside him.

The way he smirks makes me more nervous than the sad questions.

It's an eager uneasiness as he pulls my hand up to his still smiling lips. My fingertips are on his lips in the familiar way I never thought would happen again. An innocent gesture I always wished meant more than comfort as he fell asleep.

The same feelings are back. The desire for fingertip kisses resurfaces, but just being like this again, for this moment, is enough.

He flashes that flirty smile, and I have to turn away, overwhelmed at how much I really do love that smile.

"You ask me something first." I can feel the heat of his breath on my hand when he speaks.

"Okay. Every time you tell me what's wrong with girls, like if they laugh or blink too much, I always wonder what you find wrong with me."

He smiles impossibly big without letting go of my hand. "Nothing."

I don't believe him, so I give him an are-you-serious look.

"Just that you shut me out. I don't like it, but you have your reasons, so all I can do is work on it."

I sigh because I thought there would be something, but I'm more than okay with his answer.

He's lost that sly look for the question he's about to ask. He's smiling to himself like he's imagining saying the words out loud. It's like anticipating the pain as you fall, or laughing as you know you are just about to be tickled. But I don't get to know what feeling to anticipate.

His lips press a gentle kiss on my fingertips, and the worry about whatever question he is about to ask disappears. I really just hope I didn't want it so much that I imagined it, but I saw it and felt it. Sometimes things that are beyond belief have to be real.

He turns his grin towards me. "When you were thinking about me in the shower, what were you thinking about?"

I feel my face heat up. "You're asking about the time I told you about?"

The huge smile on his face turns to an open-mouth shock.

"Can I…I only get to ask one question. You should let me ask more," he says his question as a statement.

I shake my head no. I should do this always. Tell him things that make him stumble. It feels like more of an even playing field when his words are lost and all he wants are mine.

He gives me an evil glare. "Fine. Just answer, unless you're not going to."

"Kissing," I say with a tone of indifference and the straightest face I can manage.

His eyebrows go up. "Is that all you're going to say?"

"Yes. Stop asking questions."

"That's not fair. You don't get to say things like that and just not say anything else."

"Why? You do it all the time."

I glance at the clock on his bedside table and I only have a half hour left before my dad expects me to head home for dinner.

Edward lifts up with his elbow and looks at the time I just checked.

"Are you leaving soon?"

"Not yet, but I told my dad I'd be home for dinner."

"Oh." He seems disappointed, and I know he said he wanted as long as it took for us to really talk again, but this feels like we've reached a better place than I ever expected.

I reach over and place my hand on his side—the same place I felt earlier when there wasn't a shirt in the way. "We're better now though, right? Maybe not all the way there, but I feel better. Do you?"

"Almost," he says as his hand goes to my hip. The material of my shirt bunches as he pulls me closer and I feel just one finger on my skin.

My ears buzz like they've created their own white noise. I have just enough time to lightly wet my lips and close my eyes as he moves forward and presses his lips to mine. The buzzing doesn't stay in my ears, it travels through me and makes me feel like I'm floating in place.

His lips are just a soft press, and I press back. I don't have time to think about what mine feel like to him because all I care about is feeling his again.

My hand slides from his shoulder to the back of his neck and I kiss him again. I pull him with me as I roll back and let both my hands hold his neck in place. He doesn't get to kiss me and then stop—I'm never letting go.

I feel his mouth open so I open mine too, but then I don't feel his anymore.

"You kiss different," he says.

I don't… Why would he say that to me?

I loosen my hold. "Than who?"

"Oh. No. I'm not comparing you to someone else. I don't kiss." He looks grossed out at the word.

"You don't?"

He shakes his head no, but it really makes no sense.

"You kiss different than you did before."

My mind goes blank. I've kissed Edward hundreds of times, none of them real.

"Did you kiss someone in the dark that you thought was me? Because it wasn't me."

"You really don't remember? That Fourth of July you told me not to talk about. I kissed you and then you left." He looks hurt.

The world feels upside down. I breathe out slow through lips that are puckered like I'm trying to whistle. Edward kissed me. I was unknowingly drunk, feeling like I wasn't in my own body, and he kissed me. If that was real, then more could be real too.

"Oh. I… I think I remember. I just… Did I sing to you too?"

"No," he says and then laughs.

"I'm really sorry. Emmett said I was singing the whole way home, but in my mind I was singing to you. I didn't know what was happening to me. I shouldn't have told you we couldn't talk about it. I was so embarrassed."

_And by then, I had already imagined kissing you so many times. _

"I said you were pretty. I thought I maybe said that, but that's where everything I did or said got fuzzy. But you kissed me for real, and I must have not been as delusional as I thought I was. Except for the singing—that was delusional."

"That could be real if you want to sing to me now." I'm glad he's joking about this because I'm seriously beginning to question my own mind.

"I don't, but thank you."

"Do you still think I'm pretty?" he asks. It doesn't sound like he liked to be called that.

"Ruggedly pretty."

He shakes his head and smiles in amusement.

"Why did you kiss me that day?" I ask.

"You said you wanted to."

"And today? You kissed me because I told you I was thinking about you and kissing?"

"Or because I wanted to anyway."

"But…" I'm cut off by more kisses. And his hands push my shirt up on my hips and hold on against my skin as he lies back this time pulling me down. I'm hovering beside him on my knees, but I have to put my hands out to hold myself up, even though he supports my waist. I follow his lead. I don't want control. I wouldn't know what to do with it.

"But what?" he asks.

"You don't kiss?" I ask, just before I kiss him again.

"No."

"This feels an awful lot like you do."

"I'll break all my rules for you."

I smile and sit up to check the clock again. It's not that I want to leave, but I need to know how much longer I have. The numbers tell me I should be leaving now.

"Time to go?" Edward asks, sitting up.

"No. Almost. Ten more minutes."

He moves over and sets an alarm. I lie back on my side and he's quick to come back beside me.

"We should have done this a long time ago," he says as his thumb brushes across my lower lip before his hand goes back behind my neck and pulls me until all the space between us is gone.

Kissing him is easier than breathing. I don't know if I'm still breathing at all. Breathing isn't as automatic as the way our lips keep moving. His hand moves from my neck to my shoulder and then back down to the spot above my hip that his hands always seem to find.

Edward's mouth opens more with every kiss. I don't try to open mine because last time I did, he just wanted to talk. A few more "his mouth more open than mine kisses" and mine starts opening too. His tongue is soft, but it retreats before I want it too. It's only seconds before I get to feel it again.

If I thought wanting to kiss Edward was a strong desire, I knew nothing. Never wanting to stop kissing him has turned into the strongest desire I have ever known.

His hand makes its way from my hip to the small of my back. I understand now how people get carried away and go further than they set out to. As his hand moves up my back under my shirt, I know if he tries to take it off, I'll let him. But he doesn't try. He just keeps kissing me and moving his hand up and down my back.

The garbled voice of a heavy metal rock band singer rips apart our moment. If I ever find out what the song is coming from Edward's alarm, I will declare it the worst. This is the music Edward chooses to pull him from his sleep every morning.

I move out of Edward's way so he can turn it off. "You wake up to this?"

"I sleep through anything else."

I laugh as I maneuver to sit behind him on the bed. I want to hold onto this feeling that it's okay to touch him. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I kiss the back of his neck. And then I do it again so I can brush his skin with the tip of my tongue. I don't know what I expected his skin to taste like, but if I were to name the way it tastes, I'd want to call it mine.

He plays with my fingers with one hand and pulls out his phone with the other. Even though his t-shirt covers his shoulder, I kiss it anyway as I gaze down at the phone in his hands.

**Jasper: Just tell me when she leaves.**

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"I asked him to give me a chance to talk to you before he came over. Is that bad?"

"No."

"I never want you to leave."

I don't either. I could live off of kisses and the feel of his skin. There is no desire in me to join the world on the other side of that door.

I follow him to the door and expect something to happen as soon as our barricade is removed, but it doesn't. The only thing that changes is me not knowing whether or not it's okay to touch him anymore.

I feel elated with what just transpired and nervous about what's to come. I can tell Edward feels it to by the way he keeps just barely brushing against me as he walks me to my truck. Even though I just kissed Edward more times than I could count, I still feel the anxious pressure of whether or not he's going to kiss me now. This is the other side of the door, and I don't know who we are out here.

I start to climb in the truck, but Edward pulls me back by my waist. I turn and hug him automatically, and it's clear that was his intent. I want to pull away, just a little, to see if he'll give goodbye kisses, but it's hard to let go of this hold. The way we meld together should never have to end.

"I'll talk to you tonight, okay?" His arms loosen their hold on my waist.

A plan to hear from him tonight helps me say goodbye now. I lighten my hold around his neck.

I look up at him and nod. I don't have to wait to find out if I'll get goodbye kisses. His lips find mine again and they don't leave until my dad calls asking where I am.

.

* * *

**A/N**

Hi. Thanks everyone who is still reading this.

Thanks dazzled eyes22 for pre-reading and for your always honest opinions. Thanks itlnbrt for betaing. Thanks EdwardsMate4ever for betaing and pre-reading when I didn't know if I got it right.

And thanks ttharman for talking me through my freak-outs.

There won't be an update on this story next week, but I will put up a teaser on the fictionators.

If you're reading Not a Little Girl, I may be updating next week.

Thanks again for reading.


	14. Chapter 13: Gravity

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**.**

**Chapter 13: Gravity**

It's an amazing feeling to float weightless, like gravity has been turned off. Carefree and freshly-Edward-kissed, I was in a daze. Emmett's knowing looks and my dad's cluelessness allowed me to stay that way.

The rest of the world drifted around me like particles in space.

Edward kept it going too. In late night texts, he thanked me for telling him what he was doing wrong so he could do it right. In turn, I thanked him for letting me break not one, but two of his rules.

After he said goodnight, he added, "Bella, those rules never applied to you."

It's hard to sleep when you can't stop smiling. Even when life can't get any better and the rest of the world ceases to exist, you can't stay in that place forever. No one gets to soar and fall at the same time for their whole lives. When the gravity switch gets turned back on, no one falls back on the same axis they were lifted off from.

.

.

.

For the third day in a row, I sit down in the cafeteria next to the only person who has been occupying the table I usually sit at.

Jessica pulls out a compact and starts applying powder to her face. "How long do you think before Angela and Ben don't go make out in his truck every chance they get?"

"I don't know. I hope they never stop. If two people as timid as those two can get to the point where they can't keep their hands off each other, there's hope for everyone."

Jessica snorts. "Right, and how do you let Edward be all the way over there, and you're all the way over here? You're the only girl in the world who would take what you have for granted."

I look out the window over to the grassy hill Edward and Jasper are sitting on. They're lucky it hasn't rained. They've been doing this the last three days. Each day, Jasper has his guitar and Edward is writing things down. Sometimes, Jasper takes the paper from Edward, wads it up into a ball, and throws it down the hill. Once, I looked over just in time to see the paper ball go flying at Jasper's head. With how many years Edward's been playing baseball, that paper ball probably hurt.

I look back to Jessica. "Even if we were together—which we aren't—I'm not clingy."

I haven't gotten many chances to talk to Edward during school. He's been dealing with Jasper's creative slump and even though he's asked if I wanted to sit outside with them, it feels most appropriate to leave them alone. I know Jasper won't be able to focus on anything else until he gets the song out of wherever it stems from.

Several times though, I've caught Edward's eye, and he gives me shy smiles. He was never shy with me before. He's been texting me too. Almost every hour it seems he asks me a yes or no or an either or question. I can't wait for this weekend when we may be able to find some time alone.

My phone chimes with a new text. I'm expecting it to be Edward again, but this time, it's Alice. I wish she would start going to school here already, even if she is proving to be the most dramatic person I know.

I told her everything that happened with Edward, and her reaction was the opposite of what I would have expected.

"_Are you sure you're ready? I mean… he's going to ruin everything."_

What was he going to ruin exactly? Apparently, many things I never knew I wanted. Things I'm okay with never doing.

According to Alice, I'll never get picked up at a club by a perfect stranger. I'll never get inebriated and make a move on someone I wouldn't normally make a move on. I kind of did that though, but Alice said, "If it's with Edward, it doesn't count." There's no way to know if Edward's the best kisser because I haven't been kissed enough. It would have been better to find out before because now, someday, I'm going to get curious about what else is out there, and everything I share with Edward will be ruined.

The list went on and on until Alice suggested I'd never get drunk and run around my house topless. That's when I cut her off. I told her, if it was something she wanted to do, Rose would probably be up for it and Jasper could get alcohol. The conversation shifted then from how Edward was ruining my life to how inconsiderate it is to give out your friends' phone numbers without their permission.

I didn't give out anyone's number and, whether Alice believed me or not, she apologized later, blaming her attitude on hormones.

**Alice: Carpool to class tonight?**

I text Alice "yes" while Jessica babbles about Mike Newton's sporadic chest hair. The first day I was stuck with Jessica, I wished I had known she was going to be the only one here. I would have just gone to the library. By the end of lunch, I realized the awkward things Jessica says are actually kind of funny. Annoying doesn't equal evil, and if Jessica doesn't see a problem with us eating together, why should I?

"Edward's really soft, huh?" she asks, closing her compact with a snap.

"Yeah, I guess. Haven't you touched him before?"

"Kind of. Mike's soft, but it's like bubbly soft. He's not smooth soft."

I don't know what that means.

"Is Mike your boyfriend?" I ask before eating the pretzels I got for lunch from the vending machine.

"No. We're just dating. He doesn't do commitments." She brushes off the subject, but I can tell it bothers her. I don't know if the fact that they both incessantly flirt with other people makes them perfect for each other or if they should just stop pretending. "You know, Bella, if I knew you were into Edward, I would have just focused on Jasper."

I laugh because there is no end to how ridiculous this girl is. Yet here I've been, eating lunch with Jessica Stanley for the last three days. Lauren decided to join drama club, leaving Jessica just as alone as I've come to be.

I'm not sure where Emmett's been taking her during lunch. Rosalie has been moping about having to go to her dad's this weekend. She's supposed to go every other weekend anyway, but because he lives several hours away, she gets away with only going every other month. I went with her last year for spring break. It was pointless being there; most days her dad gave us money and had his assistant drop us off at the mall. Rosalie must secretly like her dad, because according to Emmett, her dad has a new girlfriend and Rose is taking it pretty rough.

Jessica's eyes open wide as she stares off. I follow her gaze and see Mike and Tyler are walking through the cafeteria. When Mike stops and tickles a freshman girl—I think her name is Bree—I look back at Jessica and her face falls. Mike doesn't look at Jessica at all.

"Hey, Bella. Your boyfriend wants you," Jessica says with an annoyed tone.

I look back at Edward, who is not my boyfriend, and he waves me over. Jessica is looking down and she looks miserable. I can't just leave her here.

The metal legs on the chair scrape against the floor as I stand. "Are you coming?"

Her face relaxes and she follows me outside.

The small hill is fairly steep until you get to the top. When Edward sees us making our way to them, he reaches his hand out to help me up. I reach back and pull Jessica with us.

Jasper picks at his guitar strings with his fingers and doesn't acknowledge us. When I sit down on the grass beside Edward, I don't miss the way Jasper's shoulders stiffen.

Jessica gives Edward a small, awkward wave.

"Hey," he says, but it's dismissive. I don't really get why she likes him. I get why I like Edward, but why would Jessica? I've never seen him be very nice to her.

Jessica sits an uncomfortable distance away.

"Did you finish the song?" I ask Edward.

Edward shakes his head, perplexed. I want to touch him or sit closer, but I don't know how close is okay. I don't know if it's my move or his, but this feels like too much space.

"I could help," Jessica says. "I write poems sometimes."

Edward looks at me confused and tries not to laugh.

Jasper smiles at her. "That's cool." He goes back to playing and acting like I'm not here.

Jessica is blushing. I'm sure she thinks she's in love with Jasper now. This will be great. Jasper will actually answer her calls and listen to her poems. He'll think it's harmless and she will think it's amazing. I'll have to figure out a nice way of warning her that it's not going to happen with Jasper, at least not anytime soon.

Jasper stops plucking at his guitar strings and gives me a pointed glare. "Maybe _you_ should write the song since you know all about this."

I remember what Edward told me the other day.

"_This morning he said something like 'How can liking someone make you feel so bad?'"_

I nod and his eyes soften. All those times he thought he was relating to me in sadness for my mother, I was lost in myself pining for Edward. I've had years to suppress any feelings I have from my mom. Edward's always been on the surface.

"You could have told me." He pulls at a string with just his thumb, and I watch it vibrate.

I don't know what to say. I know I could have told him, but should we really be having this conversation right now?

"Sometimes there are no words." I look down and start picking at clovers on the ground.

"Sometimes you can sum it all up in three," Jasper says, all the while playing chords that seem more random than purposeful.

I look up and see Edward writing something down, but this conversation is not a song. I can't give Jasper his right words.

I look over at the girl beside me and she shrugs her shoulders. As much as I don't really like her, it's hard to be mad at her. She doesn't really belong anywhere, so I give her a clover. She holds it between her fingers and gives me a silly, confused smile that asks,_ "Why would you give me this?"_

I don't really know, so I tell her by putting my hands up and shrugging my shoulders. I don't think about it as I do it, but one of my palm-to-the-sky hands is almost touching Edward. I feel his touch on my arm, and I automatically lean until I'm against him. The closeness is not something new, but it's different. The air around us is easier to breathe than it's ever been with Edward before.

Jasper starts playing with purpose, and no one moves or speaks until he stops.

Edward shifts to face me. "Hey. You deal with him for a minute. I'm going to talk to Jessica about her boundary issues."

He kisses me in the spot that's almost my jaw and almost my neck just under and behind my ear. I realize I may not have gotten that kiss if Jessica hadn't needed a clover. As they make their way down the hill I also realize that if Jessica hadn't asked Edward to winter formal, I might not be going with him now. What would have happened Saturday if I didn't already know we had an almost date for me to look forward to?

Jessica loses her balance and Edward grabs her elbow. That must be why she likes him. Even if he doesn't like her, he wouldn't let her fall. Mike probably would have let her fall.

I know Edward is about to chew her out, so I call out, "Hey, you be nice to her."

He looks back and shakes his head, but I hope he listens.

Jasper doesn't speak for a while. I don't know what there is to say, so I just wait.

"He didn't have to leave. If he thinks I need to talk to you, I don't."

"What do you need?"

"I'll know when I figure it out." He places his guitar in its worn, brown leather case. "I could have helped you, you know?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I thought about that a few times. I just needed time to sort out my own feelings and come to terms with the fact that this isn't a fairy tale. I can't sit around and dream about what could happen and let myself be hurt when it doesn't." I take Jasper's offered hand and he helps me up. "I guess we'll see where it goes from here."

I side-step down the hill and can see Edward exiting the cafeteria alone.

"I hope you can be patient because he is going to take this so slow."

"What do you mean? Why would he do that?"

"To make it perfect. He'll probably save all his declarations for that damn dance. When is that?"

One, two, three…I count the weeks on my fingers. "Seven weeks." I figure it out right as Edward reaches us.

"What's seven weeks?" Edward asks, and Jasper laughs, shaking his head as he leaves.

"I don't know. Does seven weeks mean anything to you?"

His eyes move up like he's counting weeks. "My birthday is in six weeks."

The first bell rings, and we start walking toward my math class.

"It is. What do you want?" Last year, he said Jell-O. He was deprived from having plain Jell-O without all his mom's additions. This year, I can't imagine giving him something as simple as Jell-O.

He tries to cover his grin with his hands.

I stop walking. I have a very demanding need to know what he wants to say. "Just say it."

"No," he says and keeps walking.

I walk fast to catch up to him. "Tell me."

He stops when we get to my class. He comes close to me and puts his hand on my hip. It's as close as a hug, but we aren't hugging. "I don't want to say something and then have to wait six weeks."

"Or seven."

"Or seven." He repeats my words, but I'm not sure if we're talking about different things. I just hope Jasper doesn't know what he is talking about. If there are declarations to be had, I'd like them to not take seven weeks.

He backs away smiling and as he turns away, I remember it's Wednesday, and I need him to walk Roofus.

"Hey, Edward. Don't forget…"

He turns back around and interrupts me. "I know what day it is, Bella. Just trust me."

I try to answer, but his face and the tone of his voice don't sound like he's just talking about walking the dog. All I manage is a nod.

.

.

.

Alice is too quiet. No lectures, no questioning. I get nothing but one word answers and silence. When the teacher is done instructing us on creating brownies, I dump some cocoa powder on the table and use my finger to draw a heart with an arrow through it. When I look up at Alice, she smiles and draws her own arrow with a heart, but her heart has more character. It has a twirl at the bottom and her arrow is more elaborate.

I measure out all the ingredients, but I let Alice do the rest. Alice doesn't belong in a beginners baking class.

Alice drives me to my house in silence. There are two plates of untouched brownies in my lap. That's another bad sign. Alice isn't talking, and Alice is refusing sweets.

Alice parks behind my dad's cruiser. Next to his car is an old blue one that would only be here at this time and day for one reason.

"Whose Trans Am?" Alice asks.

"Jasper's. It _was_ his dad's. Do you want to come in?"

"Why do you say it like that? Did his dad die or something?"

"Not technically. But who knows, maybe he did. I haven't heard anything in a while."

"Oh," She says, looking down.

"Alice? You know I'm okay with you talking to Jasper. If you like him, that doesn't change anything between me and you."

I reach out and rub her shoulder. She doesn't say anything, but eventually she leans over, and I hug her. When she starts sniffling, I hold her tighter. Three songs start and end on the radio; all the while Alice and I stay pressed shoulder to shoulder.

She never relaxes.

"Come inside with me?" I don't want to push her to do something she's not ready for, but I want to encourage her if that's what she needs.

"Alice, I really want to help you. Tell me how I can help you."

She loosens her hold and backs up just barely. I feel her cheek rub against mine before she kisses me full on the mouth. I'm caught off guard and confused. She kisses me again harder, and on the third time I kiss her back.

I don't know what is more awkward—her kissing me or me not kissing her back. Or kissing her back.

"Sorry, I should have asked first." She lifts her butt off the seat and reaches into the back pocket of her white-washed jeans.

"It's okay," I say.

She unfolds a crease-worn piece of paper and pulls out a pen from her purse. When she checks something off, I know exactly what it is. Alice just accomplished her goal of kissing a girl. I didn't know she had a written out list.

"Do you want me to sign off on that?"

She laughs for the first time tonight. "Sure."

**Skinny dip**–**Check**

**Kiss someone I just met–Check**

**Dance with two people at once**

**Kiss seven other guys–III**

**Kiss a girl–Check_–Bella_**

After I find the one to sign, I use the well-worn creases to fold the paper back the way it was. I hand the list back to Alice. Her list of all the things she wants to do before she's with her soul mate.

"He's ruining everything, isn't he?"

She swipes the salty overflow from her eyes. "Yes."

"Let's go yell at him."

"No, it's okay."

"Can we go say hi though? He thinks you hate him."

She sighs. "Okay. I can do that."

I get out of the car and have to fight the hinges to get the door to close.

Jasper comes out the front door before we get to it. Edward follows right behind. I didn't realize he was here, but I should have known. I want to hug him. I think it would be an appropriate form of greeting, but I'm holding a plate of brownies. I should drop them.

Edward smiles big, and Jasper looks unsure.

When they get to us, I hand Edward the plate. "These are for you. Happy Birthday."

"I'll take these, but this has nothing to do with my birthday." He smirks, and I need to know what he's thinking every time his mouth turns up like that.

I still can't hug him though. Now he's holding the brownies. I should have given them to Jasper and told him they were from Alice. She's the one who did all the work making them.

Edward says he's setting the plate in the car, and Alice feels the need to go with him. I watch Jasper as his eyes follow her. He looks as if he's watching her from the other side of a window. Edward starts laughing and Jasper snaps out of it and looks at me. I want to tell him she'll come around. I want to tell him she's just not ready. It's hard knowing something that could mean the world to one person but betray the confidence of another.

"Just be patient," I tell him.

"For how long?"

There's no time frame to give him, so I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Seven weeks."

Jasper smiles and shakes his head.

"What's in seven weeks?" Alice asks as she comes up beside me.

"I don't know," I answer. Jasper's predictions are not factual, but I'll tell Alice when Edward's not around.

Edward's arms wrap around my shoulders from behind me. "They were kissing," he says.

Why would Alice tell him that?

Jasper looks from me to Alice and back to me. "I thought you were going to tell me if you were going to do that."

Keeping an arm around me, Edward reaches over and shoves Jasper's shoulder. "You didn't tell me they were planning it."

I look over at Alice and shake my head. Her lips are pinched together, but she can't hide the fact that she she's smiling.

The front door creaks open as Edward wraps his arm back around me.

"Bella, come on," Emmett shouts out and then closes the door.

It's not that late. Why should I have to go in?

"Can I call you in a while?" Edward asks as he loosens his hold.

I turn towards him and nod.

He reaches for my hand and squeezes my fingers, and says to Jasper, "Let's go."

Jasper says goodnight to Alice and tells me he'll see me tomorrow.

As I watch them leave, I analyze the way Edward said goodbye. He'll call me later, and he squeezed my fingers. Shouldn't I be happy about that? A week ago, I probably would have been. Analyzing Edward has never gotten me anywhere. I should leave the analyzing to Alice.

"Why did you tell Edward that?"

"So I could apologize." Her lips pucker as she shrugs.

"Oh. What did he say?"

"He said it's fine."

"Okay. You didn't need to tell him though. It's not really his business who I kiss."

"Oh, yeah? He also said, 'Don't let it happen again.'" Her voice is deeper as she quotes Edward. "Did you have to give him all the brownies?"

"I didn't. There's another plate in your car."

Emmett starts calling for me to come in. Again, why?

I give Alice a hug goodbye but keep an obvious distance between our faces so she can't kiss me. She laughs, and I know it's unlikely she will be trying it again. Kissing a girl is already checked off the list.

Rosalie and Emmett are inside watching an old western movie with my dad. A bowl of popcorn sits between them. Rosalie smiles, but my dad and Emmett don't look at me.

Why did I have to come in? I glare at the side of my dad's head. "Did you need me for something?"

He glances at me before turning back to the movie. "No, but I'm sure you have homework you need to be doing."

It's been years since my dad worried about my homework. I've never given him a reason to worry about it. As I walk upstairs, I take out my annoyance with each loud, heavy step.

When I get to my room, Rosalie comes in behind me and closes the door. "He's more worried about Edward's homework than yours."

"Why?"

"Because he was here the whole time you were gone."

I sigh and take off my shoes. Why does Edward keep coming over when I'm gone?

Rose slides off her platform flip-flops and sets them behind my door. "Did you sleep with him?"

"No. Wait, who?"

"Edward."

"No."

"Jasper?"

"No. Geez, I'm not sleeping with anyone."

"Tonight, you're sleeping with me."

"It's a school night."

"I know, but my dad's girlfriend found out Emmett has a game in Aberdeen Friday night. Isn't that wonderful? Now they can come with to watch him play, and I can follow them home. It's like family." The high-pitched, almost southern-sounding voice Rose uses makes me wonder what her dad's girlfriend actually sounds like.

I can picture her sitting in the bleachers for the away team. The game is too far away, most likely, no one else will be there. It will just be her and her father and his girlfriend. And what if they don't show? She'll be alone.

"Can I go with you?"

"You want to go to my dad's all weekend?"

Not really, but neither does Rose.

I shrug. "Sure."

"So, did you kiss him?"

"Who?"

"Edward."

I can't help smiling.

Rose's eyebrows go up. "Because you wanted to, or just for fun?"

"I guess both."

"Does that mean you like him?"

"Please don't interfere."

"I won't." She grabs her bag that's already on my bed. "So, what was it like?"

I don't know how to describe kissing Edward. I smile and feel my temperature rise thinking about it.

"Never mind. Eww." Rosalie pulls her sleep clothes out of her bag.

I turn my back while she changes and pull some clothes out of my dresser. After opening the door just wide enough for me to slip through, I go to the bathroom to change.

My emotions are a twister. I float to the clouds on an Edward high, but reality drifts in and out about the fact that I don't really know what's going on with us. Rose knowing is an inevitable disaster.

I need to stabilize my moods. Edward knows Rose. If she says anything about me and him, I think he would know how to deal with it. It would be okay—embarrassing, but okay. I look in the mirror and smile. Edward may call any moment, so I change fast.

When I get back to my room, I can hear Rose talking even before I open the door.

She's lying on her stomach on my bed with her legs bent up at her knees and crossed at her ankles. "Edward, seriously? I'm not going to kiss your girlfriend."

No. I want to rip my phone away from her, but I can't move. He's probably going to feel the need to clarify that I am not his girlfriend. I don't want to hear that. I'm well aware, but I don't want to hear it from him.

"I had every intention of keeping my hands to myself, but you keep putting ideas in my head."

I lie down next to her and she winks at me before saying, "No. She never talks about you at all. Why would she talk about you?"

I don't want him thinking that either. "Can I have the phone?"

She hands it to me without saying goodbye to Edward. "I have to brush my teeth anyway."

"Hi," I say into the phone as Rose gets off the bed.

"Hey."

"Were you talking about me?"

"No. I never talk about you. Why would I talk about you?" he asks sarcastically.

"Well, that sucks. I've been talking about you all day."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

I can hear Jasper's guitar in the background. "How's the song?"

"Better. It's shifted from miserable to hopeful."

"That's good."

We talk about the brownies and that the dance is in seven weeks. He thinks he has it figured out; I tell him the truth that he's close, but it's not exactly what we were talking about.

Rose spends the night with just me for the first time in a while. She sleeps on top of the covers and it makes mine tighter around me. I don't say anything about what she said to Edward. Everything turned out fine. She's so different than me, but maybe I need to follow her example and not worry so much.

.

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**A/N:**

**Hi! Oops...this chapter took a week longer than I expected. I was writing slow, but I'm writing faster now. Thanks everyone who reads and for all your reviews. **

**Thanks a million to everyone who helped me with this chapter: dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and BelleDuJour.**

**Thanks for reading. See you next weekish. Tell me your thoughts?**


	15. Chapter 14: Agreements

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Agreements**

**.**

"Please, walk." I pull and tug on the leash, but this dog won't move. I've already gone through a half-dozen treats.

"Come on. If you make me late, you'll have to answer to Rosalie." Who am I kidding? Rosalie isn't in any hurry.

In an instant, I hear a whistle and Roofus takes off. His leash slips out of my hand before I have the chance to tighten my hold. My chest is heavy with panic, but I should have known. I should have recognized the whistle.

"That wasn't very nice!" I yell out to Edward, who is crouched down and letting Roofus lick all over his face.

Edward takes hold of the leash and walks back to meet me. "Sorry. He just likes me better than you."

"Because you're prettier."

He takes the bottom of his shirt and pulls it up to wipe his face. "Nobody's prettier than you."

I roll my eyes—not because I think he's messing with me, but because he's really corny.

He's quiet the rest of the walk. I keep peeking over at him, but he never looks back or says anything.

"Thanks for helping me." I motion to the dog.

"It's fine. I've never had a dog."

"Neither have I."

When we get Roofus to his yard, the silence becomes awkward. My hand brushes against Edward's as we make our way to my house, but he doesn't seem to notice.

"Is everything okay with you?" I ask as we walk through the yard.

"Yeah." He looks and sounds distant.

I open the door, and he follows me inside. When we get to the living room, I sit on the couch. Edward sits down next to me, but he's mentally and physically, he's far away.

I need to get ready to go, but I can't. Heavy pressure starts in my chest. Whatever his deal is, it can't be good. I can almost hear him say the words that whatever is happening with us is going to stop, but I'm not doing that. There's no way I'm going back. I sit up taller on my knees and move closer to him until my knees are against the side of his thigh.

He doesn't look at me, so I grab his shoulder and give it a small shake. He smiles genuinely for a moment before it falters. I'm about to do it again when he pulls me over until I'm sitting across his lap.

His hand moves up my arm. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't going to be around this weekend?"

"I couldn't let Rose go to Emmett's game and then to her dad's alone."

"I get why you won't be here, but I didn't know, so I was going to…just…I don't know." He shakes his head, and with it, all the words he didn't say were lost.

"What were you going to do? Emmett won't be back until late, so you wouldn't have come over until later anyway."

"No, I would have come over now."

"Oh, and what were you going to do?" I lean against him and hope I'm easing his nerves by being close.

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me."

He closes his eyes as his head falls back on the couch. I don't know why he can't just tell me. His neck is long and open with the way his head is tilted. I should kiss it. If I could let go of this tense feeling and just say what I want and touch and kiss him when I have the urge to, maybe he could relax with me. He's so close. I just have to lean forward, but my body isn't doing what I'm telling it to.

I hesitate too long, and he lifts his head until he's facing me directly. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to go somewhere tomorrow, but you won't be here, so it doesn't matter."

The straight line of my mouth lifts into a slow smile. "That matters. Where did you want to go?"

He just shakes his head, but the answer matters. Even though I can't go, him wanting to go somewhere with me matters.

I'm overeager, but I feel a rush come over me, so I don't care. I start guessing. "Did you want to go to the park or that new bike shop?"

He shakes his head, but I can tell he's loosened up, so I keep asking. "How about the library or the store?"

"That's it. I need groceries," he says sarcastically, but amused.

"Tell me," I say, but he still doesn't answer. I need this answer. "If you don't tell me next weekend, we _are_ going grocery shopping." My body listens this time when I tell it to kiss him. My lips press against his cheek and his chest heaves. It's the only sign I need to keep going. I move my mouth down and speak against his neck. "Should I start making a list?"

His throat bobs before he says, "No."

I move so I'm facing him again. "Then tell me where."

"I didn't come up with anything unique."

"That's okay. I don't need unique."

"I just thought we could go to a movie or something. Or, I was going to ask you. I wasn't assuming you'd say yes."

"You should assume I'll say yes, and ask me to go next weekend."

He nods, but I think he's going to ask me next weekend and not today.

"Ask now."

He looks unprepared and worried. If he can't ask, I'll just ask him. He's not such a smooth talker when it's real. Although he claims everything else was real too, so how is this any different?

He takes my hand in his, and I move my thumb across the bumps of his knuckles.

He looks me in the eye and asks, "Do you want to go to a movie next weekend?"

"Yes. With other people or just us?"

"Just us."

"So like a…"

"Like a date, Bella," he says and lets a heaving breath out through his nose.

"Good." I try to rein in my excitement, but I can't stop smiling. Edward can't either, but he gets embarrassed and leans his head on my shoulder.

"I need to get my stuff together still. Do you want to come upstairs with me?"

He hooks his arm under my legs and stands up with me. I wrap my arms around his neck so I don't fall, but it feels like he's got me.

He sets me down on the bottom step of the stairs. When I start walking up ahead of him, he groans.

I stop and look back. "What now?"

"You had to wear the jeans with the pockets."

I look down at my jeans. "All my jeans have pockets." I check the back pockets. They're tight against me with a stitched design, and I blush at the fact that Edward has noticed them before.

I turn and continue up the stairs with quicker steps. "Stop looking at my pockets." I should have made him walk up the stairs first. Although I don't look back, I can still feel his eyes behind me.

When I get to my room, I go straight to my backpack and start unloading my school stuff onto my desk. My bed squeaks as Edward sits down on it.

With the way my room is arranged, my back is to Edward as I pull clothes out of my dresser. I'm sure he is still looking at my pockets.

"So, what are you and Rose doing all weekend?"

"Going to Emmett's game, but I don't know what else."

Edward can see the clothes I'm packing, and I can't figure out a way to discreetly grab underwear. I'm not trying to show him my underwear, but I open the drawer anyway. None of these are cute enough.

After glancing over my shoulder to confirm Edward is still watching, I close the drawer. "What are you doing all weekend?"

He shrugs. "Jasper is probably already at my house, and Emmett's coming over when he gets back. I was going to ask this girl out, but that didn't work out."

"Sorry. Maybe you can still call her."

"I will." He stands up, and my bed squeaks again from his movements. It's never sounded as loud as it does now, but maybe I just never cared before.

I zip up my backpack and set it by the door. "Are you going to make me feel bad about this weekend? I'm really sorry."

"No, I don't want you to feel bad." He steps toward me. "Are you going to make out with Rose all weekend?"

A laugh bursts out of me making my head tilt back. I can't believe he just asked me that. "No. Are you going to make out with Jasper all weekend?"

He huffs out air, and I can feel it on my face from a foot away. He shakes his head.

"You don't want me to kiss Rose? I thought guys liked that. Girls kissing girls; isn't that a guy fantasy?"

"It sounds good in theory, but if I had a choice, I would prefer that you didn't."

"That's fine. I won't kiss any girls this weekend if you won't."

"Okay. Starting when?" He moves closer. It feels like he's going to kiss me, but he stops and waits.

"After Rose gets here." A stampede runs inside my chest as I tilt my mouth up closer.

It doesn't matter that we've done this before, those few seconds as he comes toward me still feel like the first time. I close my eyes as he kisses me soft. When he kisses me again, there's a force behind it that moves me until my back is against the corner of the doorway. He kisses me deeper, and I'm lost. His mouth moves to my neck and my breathing is heavy from all the breaths I missed. When his mouth is on mine again, I try to pull him closer, so he's fully against me, but he doesn't budge.

Rose starts cackling, and we break apart. I didn't hear her come in.

She's standing in the hallway, grinning. "You didn't even make it all the way into the room. I'd let you finish, but we need to go." She points behind her with her thumb.

Edward bends and picks up my backpack, but as soon as Rose turns her back, he kisses me one more time. "Sorry, I wasn't supposed to do that. We'll start now."

I nod, but protest internally. I should have said the no kissing starts after I leave.

Edward walks us out and sets my bag in the back seat of the red BMW Rosalie's dad gave her for her birthday. He holds Rose's door open for her and hugs her. It's a long hug—an abnormally long hug. When I turn my head to the side, I can see their hug is phony. They are talking through gritted teeth. Rosalie rolls her eyes and nods when Edward steps away. She moves her hair to the side before climbing in her car. Edward shuts her door and walks back over to me.

"I'll call you later, or you can call me whenever you want." He hugs me and my nose fills with Rosalie's strong perfume.

I lift up on my toes and hug him harder. He lifts me a few inches off the ground and then sets me back down, but we don't let go. Rosalie's horn makes me jump. I pull away and Edward glares at Rose, no doubt referencing their previous exchange.

As soon as Edward shuts my door, Rosalie pulls out of the driveway. If I were driving, I would have waited and watched Edward leave.

I crack the window because Rosalie's perfume is enough to give me a headache. "What were you guys talking about?"

"Psshh. He doesn't want me to talk shit. You both worry too much. What could I possibly say?"

"A lot. You have no filter."

"Yeah, but is that going to mess up whatever you two are doing?"

"No. You can say whatever you want." I turn up the volume on the radio.

…_whatever you two are doing. _I don't like that. It's not that I think Edward is anything like Mike Newton, but what if we go out and that's it? Could we end up forever just dating? It feels like more, but it's always felt like more. What I have with him now is great, but I still want the more.

.

.

.

"So what's your name?" asks one of two guys who just introduced themselves to Rose and me. I smiled and nodded, but whatever name they said didn't register in my head. I don't care what their names are. I would like it if they would go away.

Rose flips her hair. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was flirting. "I'm Maggie, and this is Claire." She tilts her head toward me.

The taller one, with his hat tilted slightly to the side, smiles at me. Alice should have come with Rose. She would have enjoyed this game. I want to play along, but I don't know anything about being Claire. I can't come up with a new personality on a whim.

"So what are you two doing over here by yourselves?" Hat Boy asks.

"We're watching my husband play." Rose points out to the field. I have to turn my head away to hide that I'm laughing.

"You're married?" The other boy with dark, slicked back hair asks with disbelief.

"Yeah, we both are. All girls in Forks get married early."

"So you're married too?" Hat Boy asks me.

I nod. If they keep standing by us, I'll have to straighten out his hat. I wish Rose would have just told them to go away.

My phone vibrates in the front pocket of my sweatshirt, and I'm relieved. No matter who it is, I want to talk to them. When I see who it is, it is definitely someone I want to talk to. I didn't expect him to call so early.

"Hello." I pivot away from the small group as I answer the phone.

"Hey."

"Is that your husband, Claire?" Hat Boy asks.

I glance back and nod, hoping Edward didn't hear that. Turning away further, I ask, "So, what are you up to?"

"Nothing. Alice finally answered the phone."

"That's good."

"I don't know. They were fine at first, but now they're arguing."

"About what?" I glimpse back, and everyone is listening to my conversation.

"I can't tell. Jasper went outside. So, Claire what's the score?"

So much for hoping he didn't hear anything.

"Fourteen to seven." My jeans don't keep out the cold from the metal bleachers. I keep shifting around to keep warm. My sweatshirt isn't long enough to sit on.

"Cool. Bella, can I make a change to our agreement?"

"Umm, what kind of change?"

"We don't kiss anyone at all."

I look back at the greasy guys still wanting our attention despite all of Rose's fabrications. "Works for me."

Rose is laughing; she must be taking acting classes because she is playing up this character she created.

I see Rosalie's dad and a tall brunette make their way across the bleachers.

"Hey, Rosalie's dad just got here," I whisper. I don't want to ruin Rose's game.

"Okay, call me later if you feel like it." His voice is sharp. It's not like I'm lying.

"I will call you."

We say goodbye and hang up, but I'm not entirely sure what his deal is. I wasn't trying to make him jealous, but he sounded annoyed with me anyway.

Edward's annoyance becomes mine. "Maggie's dad just got here, so you should probably…ya know…go away."

The nameless guys look around until they see Rose's dad. They agree to go after Rose gives them a fake phone number. They either don't believe her ploy about being married, or they don't care.

Rose's father greets us and sits a row down from us in the empty stands.

"Hi, honey. Who were your friends?" the tall brunette says to Rose.

Rose smiles fake and cheesy. "Oh, just boys being boys." Her voice, her movements, and the obnoxious laugh are not Rosalie. She's portraying her Maggie persona. "Siobhan, this is my oldest, dearest friend, Isabella."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Isabella. I've heard so much about you." She squeezes my knee and gives it a slight shake.

"Oh, yeah? It's so nice to meet you," I say while holding in my grimace. I don't know how to be Isabella any more than I know how to be Claire.

When Siobhan turns to the game, I can see a line on her jaw where her makeup isn't blended. I can tell she's wearing layers of makeup. I'm surprised she can move her face.

I give Rose a quick jab with my elbow. She laughs silently and makes a disgusted face at the back of Siobhan's head.

Rosalie's father checks his phone at least thirty times through the second half of the game. Siobhan at least pretends she's interested in Emmett on the field. She asks questions, and Rosalie's father turns everything she says into a dirty joke. He must not realize we are old enough to understand his remarks. Siobhan answers his perverse flirtations with arm swats and repeatedly says, "Oh, Stefan."

This is sure to be a fun weekend. To top it all off, I never did pack underwear.

.

.

.

Rosalie's room at her dad's overlooks Lake Washington. Looking out her window in the dark, I can hardly see, but I know what's out there. The vastness of water and trees is impossible to forget.

Rosalie has left the room to give me a chance to change. I pull out my phone and sit down on her queen-size waterbed. I will probably dream that I'm sleeping out on the lake. After texting Edward and letting him know I'm here and will call in a while, I call my dad to let him know we made it okay.

As soon as I hang up with my dad, Rosalie comes bounding into the room with a tote bag hanging from her shoulder. Panting and out of breath, she shuts and locks the door behind her.

"Siobhan forgot to lock the liquor cabinet." She pulls out two glasses, two lemon-lime cans, and a clear bottle. She starts pouring before I say anything.

It's just one drink, and it's just me and Rose. What's the worst that can happen? She hands me a glass, and I take a sip. It's disgusting. Rosalie downs it like it's water, so I brace myself and take a bigger drink.

One drink turns into three, and when Rosalie says she would like to paint flowers on my toes, I let her. They are really pretty. I should wear flowers on my toes every day. We giggle over magazine quizzes, and Rosalie confesses that her first crush was Jasper.

She clamps her hands over her mouth, and I just laugh and laugh.

"Don't ever tell anyone that. I was like seven. I've had a crush on Emmett since I was eight. That's all that matters. Seven-year-olds don't know anything."

She's only ever admitted to having crushes on celebrities and Edward's dad; that one always kind of scared me.

Our eyes are watering from our laughing fit when there is a soft knock on the door.

"What's the secret word?" Rose asks in a deep voice.

I hear a muffled voice from the other side. Rosalie opens the door a crack and peers through. "May I help you, ma'am?"

"You girls need to keep it down," Siobhan whispers. She looks around and spots the bottle that we didn't think to hide. She steps in and takes it. "I'm not going to say anything, but I'm going to cut you off."

"I'm very sorry, ma'am. We're sorry to have bothered you. We won't let it happen again." Rosalie stands with perfect posture. She must be playing Maggie at the moment.

"Alright. Goodnight, honey."

Rose closes the door and turns the lock. She mocks Siobhan and says in an obnoxious voice, "Goodnight, honey." We laugh quietly. I don't fully understand why Rose doesn't like her, but I'm guessing it's just a natural reaction. My dad has never had a girlfriend that I've been made aware of, so I don't know how she feels.

I didn't call Edward yet. It's two o'clock in the morning, but I don't care. I pull out my phone and call him.

My fingers don't work right as I try to scroll through the names. I try the best I can. "Bella, what?" Emmett says when he answers. I was close.

"I need to talk to Edward."

"Then call him."

"Obviously, I can't. Please give him the phone."

"No. I'm not going in his room when he's in bed. I don't know what the hell he's doing."

Emmett tells Jasper to pause their game, but why is Edward in bed? I hope he's not still annoyed with me.

"Rosalie, call Edward."

She's nicer to me than Emmett and she listens.

"Hi, Edward. Guess what…I haven't made Bella unlike you yet." Her fingers must still know how to work.

"Bella!" Emmett is getting annoyed. I don't want to talk to him anyway.

"Rose, trade me boys."

She laughs and we exchange phones.

"Hi, I still like you."

"You never said you liked me in the first place."

"Oh. I do. I liked you first. I didn't even like someone else first."

Rosalie hisses and shushes me, and I can't help the laughing fit that ensues.

"Are you drunk?" Edward asks.

"Hmm." I look down at my hands. "How do I tell?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, but I still have two hands, so I must not be that drunk."

Rosalie holds her hands out and counts them. "Me too!"

"Is it just you and Rose?"

Who else would it be? Those guys at the game were gross. Even if they weren't, I wouldn't be with them now. "Yes, geez. I wouldn't have liked those boys at the game even if I didn't like you. And I only have enough room in my head to like you."

"So you do like me."

"Yes. Can I ask you something, though?"

"Go ahead." There is no background noise coming through the phone. He might have been sleeping, but he doesn't sound tired.

"Do you believe in commitments, or do you do just dating?"

"Uh, can I say dating and then commitments?"

"Yeah, how much dating?" I climb on the unstable water bed.

"Not a lot. What do you think?"

"Very little just dating."

"Why does dating have to be just dating?"

"Because dating means not exclusive." I want to tell him, "_duh_," but I manage to hold it in.

"Then let's say dating means exclusive."

That makes me happy. So happy that I giggle. "Okay, but you never said if you like me."

He laughs low. "I _really_ like you, Bella."

I want to talk to him all night, but when I lie down, I feel dizzy. I have to let him go. Rosalie thinks it's a good time to pretend her bed is a boat. She might be Maggie right now. It's hard to tell. I keep reminding myself that Edward said exclusive dating, and that he liked me over and over. I don't want to forget.

.

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**A/N:**

**Hi! Thanks for reading. **

**Thanks everyone who helped me with this chapter: dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and AnthroBug.**

**Boundaries Undefined is up for fic of the week on The Lemonade Stand. Go check out the poll. Thanks PAWsPeaches for the rec.**

**I'd love to hear what you think. **

**Happy Halloween. **


	16. Chapter 15: Awkward

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 15: Awkward**

**.**

I run upstairs to my room. Although no one is home, the need to be alone is overwhelming. I close and lock the door behind me.

When school got out, Edward wouldn't let me leave until I clarified that I remembered everything we talked about over the weekend. Of course, even though I had been drinking with Rose that night, I remembered in perfect detail.

He kissed my cheek before I climbed in the truck. That kiss is still simmering on my face like a brand. It wasn't a simple kiss. He moved my hair to the side, and after he kissed me, he stayed right there, breathing against my face. I feel like I've just experienced the truest meaning of intensity.

I'm not sure how I got home, but I made it. I let my backpack drop to the floor before I fall backwards on my bed.

I sigh, thinking, maybe Rose was right. When I told her I needed to go underwear shopping, she told me that confidence can start under your clothes. I let her pick out the skimpiest undergarment sets I had ever seen. All day at school, I walked taller and smiled easier. Exclusively dating Edward may also have something to do with the confidence I didn't know I'd ever have.

I pull my t-shirt over my head and look at my reflection in the mirror on my wall. The black bra pushes and molds in ways I never thought possible. Someday, Edward's going to take off my shirt, and I'll be wearing this.

I unbutton my jeans. Not the ones with the pockets Edward loves, but these ones have pockets too. I don't know if Edward groaning over my jean pockets was limited to just the one set of pockets, or if these ones with buttons are worthy. Either way, I take them off. I'm left in black lacy strings that double and cross on my hips.

I turn the radio on and spin the knob to turn the volume up just loud enough to hear. I don't want music overwhelming my head.

As I glide my hands smoothly up my sides, I can picture this happening with hands that aren't mine. My hand rests on my hip in the same place Edward's hands always seem to find. I don't feel the rush I get from him, but maybe his hand finding this spot means so much more than I ever imagined. Maybe it's so enticing that, sometimes, he can't stop himself from putting his hand here, and I have a power in me I never thought to use.

I let my hair down, shaking it out, and look at myself from the side. Looking in the mirror, I pucker my lips. Then I turn around and blow a kiss over my shoulder. From the back, I might as well be wearing nothing at all.

I turn back around because I like the front better, especially the bra. I can see how someone could be confident wearing this—wearing only this. Although, I'm not so sure about taking them off. We could just take off clothes until I'm in this, and Edward is in whatever he wears under his clothes. Then we could just stop. I think I'd like the process of taking the clothes off so much, I'd want to put them back on and start again.

With my hands on my hips, I tilt my chin up and suck in my cheeks. That doesn't look right, so I try looking down and sink my top teeth into my lower lip.

There's a knock on my door and it opens. _No…I locked the door. I…_ Even my thoughts are stuttering.

Jasper's mouth drops open and then he starts laughing as he covers his eyes. "What are you doing?"

I turn away and pull on my clothes. Clothes don't go on easy when I'm in a frantic hurry. Once I'm dressed and see Jasper left his eyes covered, I can breathe.

"How did you even get the door open?"

"I knocked and it opened." He puts his hands up.

"You don't knock, you tap." I go over and check the knob, it's still locked. I close it and then pull; it opens, so I push it closed harder, this time it doesn't open. Stupid latch.

"I tapped, but you didn't answer, so I knocked. I didn't see anything, okay?"

"Okay." I don't believe him, but I'd like to leave it at that.

He sits down on my bed, looking me up and down and then away as he laughs to himself. I don't know if this is a good reaction or not. It feels like he's laughing at me.

"Why is this so funny?"

"It's not, but I should probably go." He avoids looking at me.

The way he's acting is messing with the confidence I thought I had. "Did I look that bad?"

"No."

"Then stop laughing."

"I should have brought Edward over; he would have come up here to get you. I can go get him and you can try that again."

I glare at him, but I wish that was possible. Jasper should have brought Edward if he was stopping by anyway. We can't stage a redo.

"Hey, don't look at me like that. It would work, and then you wouldn't have to be patient at all. He'll be begging you to skip all the courting BS his mom has him trained to follow."

Jasper's perception of Edward is different than mine. He talks about him like Edward is being so by-the-book and careful with me. When Edward had me backed against the doorway the other day, it didn't feel like he was following his mom's advice on how to treat girls.

"That's good to know, but why are you here?"

"It doesn't matter. How are you?"

"I was happy, but now I'm frustrated."

"Why?"

"Because you're being weird."

He laughs at me again. "Fine. Do you know anything about why Alice is being so difficult?"

"Yes."

"Okay, are you going to tell me?"

"I already told you to be patient. That's all I can tell you."

"This sucks."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Do you want me to tell Edward to hurry up?"

"No. I don't think we need to, but I'll let you know if I do."

He gets up to leave. The way he's pushing me to Edward now, makes me wonder something.

"Jasper." He stops and turns to me. "If you knew Edward liked me, why didn't you push me to be with him before?"

"He hit on you all the time. You weren't into it. I wouldn't have pushed you into something you didn't want. And I knew he had a thing for you, but it's not like I knew he had a thing for _only _you."

I get that. Because even when it did seem like he liked me, it didn't mean much when it felt like I was just one of many.

I smile to myself.

_Only_ me.

Jasper gives me another weird look before he leaves. I hope that look goes away eventually. It's like he still sees me right here with no clothes. If Edward had walked in though, that could have been interesting. It probably would have been embarrassing, but, as Jasper said, maybe we wouldn't be waiting for anything.

.

.

.

There are five pot pies cooling on the counter. An hour ago, they were frozen solid. Now, they are too hot to eat. It may be time for me to start doing the grocery shopping if I want us to have real dinners.

I start bringing the pies to the table, but my dad and Emmett have other ideas. They have TV trays all set up in the living room.

No one talks. We eat and watch the screen. I feel like Matilda without the powers. We do this way too often.

I've been waiting for an opportunity to ask my dad about going out with Edward on Saturday. Every chance I've gotten feels out of place. I'm not sure how I expected the subject would be brought up. _So, Dad, speaking of dating…_

"Hey, Dad?"

"Huh?" He doesn't look at me. How can you talk to someone when it doesn't feel like they are listening?

"Dad!" I say louder this time.

He looks over, irritated. Because my needing an ounce of his attention, at dinnertime no less, is such a hassle.

I want to be snarky and throw his attitude back at him but all that will get me is an answer of no. "I just wanted to see if it's okay if I go to the movies this weekend."

"I already said you could." He turns back to his movie.

"How? When?"

"When I saw that boy at the hospital."

Charlie has always liked Edward. I don't know what to think of him being reduced to "that boy" because we're dating, or about to start. Especially when he approves of me going out with Edward.

"Why were you both at the hospital?"

"I go to the hospital for cases. Edward volunteers. I see the kid all the time."

Edward has never mentioned volunteering at the hospital. My dad has also never mentioned seeing Edward outside the house. I hope my dad isn't as short with Edward as he is with me.

I want to ask him what Edward said, but I know he'll get all grumbly. Next time Edward and I make plans, I'll have to let him know that he doesn't need to clear it with my dad.

Emmett is smiling but keeping his mouth shut. I go back to eating. I have to blow on each forkful before I eat it, but my dad and Emmett manage to get through both of their pies by the time I get through my one.

The phone starts ringing, but of course, no one gets up to answer. After the fourth ring, I get up. It's probably for my dad, but the phone is so old, we don't have caller ID.

"Hello." The receiver feels heavy and big against my ear. It's three times the size of the cell I'm accustomed to.

"Hi, is this Bella?" It's a guy's voice, but I don't recognize who it is.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"James."

"Oh. Hi."

"Hey, is Jasper over there?"

"He was. Did he say he was coming back?"

"No. He's just not answering."

"Yeah. That makes sense. He's been in and out of this creative zone, but I'm sure you get that."

"Yeah, of course. Is Edward there by chance?"

"No. Emmett's here if you want to talk to him."

"Oh, no, that's okay. I don't know him very well."

"Okay. How did you get this number anyway?" I don't think our number's listed.

"Some girl."

That sort of makes sense. Emmett and I used to use this number, before we got our own phones. Maybe someone still has it. Maybe some girl Emmett gave the number to.

"So, you were with Edward when you came to my house. Are you guys together?"

"Kinda." I'm not sure how else to answer this question.

"Kinda, huh?"

"Yeah."

"What does that mean exactly?" He laughs after he asks, but I don't find it funny.

"Maybe you should ask him. How's your girlfriend?"

"She's good…" All humor is lost from his voice.

Jasper isn't here and that's the reason James called, but he keeps talking to me. He sounds lonely, and it's no wonder, given the girl he chooses to give his affections to. I try to be nice and not rush him off the phone, but it makes sense that Jasper isn't answering his calls. This guy can't stop talking. He laughs at my simplest answers. It's the oddest thing. I think my favorite color is yellow. I guess that could be funny—the fact that I'm not sure, or the fact that it's not a common favorite.

"What are you doing for Halloween? I'm having a party the weekend before. It'd be great if you could come."

"Maybe. I'll talk to some of my friends."

"You wound me, Bella. I thought we were friends." The dejection in his tone drips with mocking falsehood.

"Yeah, we're friends." I know better than to argue with someone who is socially awkward. He makes himself sound desperate in a way he seems to find charming. Rosalie and Alice will probably be up for the Halloween party, but I won't mention something I only assume to be true.

When Emmett walks by, I grab his arm and plead with my eyes for him to help me get off the phone. His brow furrows and then he walks down the hall. "Bella, come help me with something!"

"Hey, I guess I need to go."

"Okay cool. I'll talk to you later. Have a great night, Bella."

.

.

.

I am shirtless, with one leg in my jeans, when I get a text from Jasper. He says he will be here in five. At least he can't see me this time.

Getting to school is still usually me and Jasper. Other times, it's me and Emmett. If no one else, it's just me. It's never me and Edward.

Jasper reducing my time to get ready down to five more minutes puts a damper on my morning. I need at least twenty. I get dressed and grab my stuff. There is no time to consider makeup.

I shove half a banana in my mouth so I can eat and keep my hands free as I put on my shoes. I get them tied just as there's a honk outside. If Jasper insists on being early, he could at least come inside. I decide to make him wait. Soon after, there's a knock at the door. I shove the other half of the banana in my mouth before grabbing my things. I carelessly open the door. It's not Jasper. Panicking, I close the door on Edward and run back to the kitchen to spit out the banana.

"Why did you do that?"

I turn around to see that Edward let himself in and followed me inside.

"I didn't know you were coming."

"Was I not supposed to?"

"No, you're fine. I was just caught off guard." I start walking toward the door. "Do you know why we're leaving so early?"

"We have to go to that bakery by the library so Jasper has something to talk to Alice about."

"How will that help?" We reach the door and stop.

"She mentioned liking the place, so he said he'd check it out."

"So this is a set up for a two minute conversation?" I turn the knob and open the door.

"Yeah, she won't go out with him, so he's doing whatever he can to get to know her. He thinks getting to know her before he asks her out again is a brilliant concept."

I roll my eyes and follow Edward out to where Jasper's car is running in the driveway. Edward pulls the lever to move down the front seat, but the back is full of random junk. As far as I know, no one ever sits back there.

Jasper reaches back and starts pulling stuff over to one side. Luckily, it's mostly paper. Some look like old assignments, while some are waded up pieces that I don't doubt are either drawn or written on.

"I can sit in the back," Edward says when the area is as clear as it can get.

"No, it's fine." I lower myself into the backseat and pull the front seat back with me.

Jasper looks back at me. "Sorry, Bella. I'll buy you a muffin."

I smile at him. "No, don't worry about it." I nod toward Edward. Though I would have liked a warning, it doesn't feel like a coincidence that Edward's here.

The bakery is empty aside from an older couple sitting in the corner. Jasper has already been told by Alice what he should try, so he tells us to take a seat while he orders.

Over the summer, Jasper worked under the table for a landscaping company. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't still help them out from time to time. Even so, why would we let him buy food for us?

Pulling my backpack off my shoulder, I start digging through the small zipped pocket in the front, searching for my wallet. I have too much stuff crammed in here.

"Just let him pay, Bella," Edward says as he realizes what I'm doing.

When I look at him, he gives me the slightest shake of his head. It must be some male pride thing. This time, I'll let it go.

I grab a tube of Chap Stick and put it on as if it was what I was looking for all along.

Lemon raspberry scones and pumpkin cream filled cinnamon rolls are gone in the blink of an eye. Even though we left early, with this stop, we still are in danger of being late to school.

I take my seat in the back. This time as we drive, Edward reaches his hand back between the door and the seat and squeezes my leg. My heart flutters. I reach down and give him my hand. He can't see what he's doing, so I take over and mess with his fingers.

Amongst the millions of papers that litter the back seat, one catches my eye. A raven colored bird sketched out with a charcoal pencil. My name is written on the bottom.

"Jasper? Do you think I'm a crow?"

"Um…no?"

"Crows are annoying. Nobody likes crows. What are you trying to say here?"

"They're not that bad, Bella. Look them up. I promise…I drew it with love."

Edward gives my fingers a squeeze and lets them go. Jasper's comment was friendly—not meaningless, but casual. There is no romantic interest between me and Jasper. Edward has to know that, but he still let go of my hand. Jasper doesn't notice the difference. He didn't know Edward had my hand in the first place.

When Edward hugged Rose, I thought it was odd, but I didn't feel threatened. Edward shouldn't feel that way about me with Jasper. Especially now with everything we've done and said, but he's withdrawn. I understand residual feelings though. He knows I don't want Jasper, but he's not used to it. Like I'm not used to believing everything he says. I can't help questioning it before I swallow the feeling and just go with it. It's getting easier though. Sometimes, it's almost natural to just be with him. I'll do that for him—make him see that my friendship with Jasper is just that, friendship. For a while, I've been letting myself open up to him, not realizing why he's not fully open to me.

I want to ease his mind now. I pull out my phone so I can text his.

**You should drive me to school sometimes.**

I don't hear his phone, but I see him shift and moments later, my own phone buzzes.

**Edward: You want me to?**

**I've been wanting you to.**

**Edward: I will.**

**Did it hurt your arm to have your hand back here?**

**Edward: No.**

The text comes through as his hand comes back through the gap between the seat and the door. This time, I take it with both of mine.

When we arrive at school, there are still a few minutes before the warning bell tells us to get to class.

I've been trying so hard to be open, to let go of the part of me that's still afraid that this can't be real. Now, I have to show him. I have to give him all the feelings I have, so there is no question of what I want. That what I want, has never been a question.

Edward puts the seat down, and I grab my bag as I step out. As soon as the car door closes, I wrap my arms around his neck. I know it doesn't feel natural. Forcing my affection on someone isn't something I have experience with. He seems unprepared at first, but then his arms slide between me and my backpack and he hugs me just as hard. My awkward assault becomes a natural hold.

"You okay?"

I kiss above his jaw. "Yeah, I just missed you."

I hear Jasper laugh, and then I hear his steps retreat.

When I look at Edward, I know this is okay by the way he smiles when he looks at me.

"Sorry if I'm being too needy."

"No. You're fine." He puts his arm around my shoulders as we walk through the parking lot. I want to find myself a few months ago, even a few weeks ago, and tell myself how amazing this feels right now. The only person that could possibly appreciate this feeling more than me, is the me that spent every moment wishing for moments like the one I get to have now.

.

* * *

**A/N**

Thanks for reading. If you're still here, let me know.

Thanks to all my Beta's and prereaders this chapter for all the fixes and encouragement: Dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and Starpower31.

Thanks again to all of you that read.


	17. Chapter 16: Panic

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 16: Panic**

**.**

Alice is sitting at my computer while Angela and I retreat back to the farthest corner in the room, which happens to be on my bed. We push our bodies back as far as we can, but I know we are both doing the same thing. We want to look like we aren't interested by sitting as far away as we can, but we can still see what Alice is doing.

Alice has been scrolling through articles and tutorials. I've known since I met Alice that she is interested in learning about all things sexual. I just didn't know the extent in which I would have to be involved in this learning process.

The current subject is oral sex.

Alice twirls the chair until she's facing us. "So you have to breathe through your nose."

"Isn't that a given?" I ask.

"If it was a given, why would they feel the need to inform you?"

It makes sense to me that you would have to breathe through your nose, but I won't argue.

"Seriously, Bella. You have to think. What if you have a cold or something? You could kill yourself if you can't breathe through your nose."

When Alice starts instructing us on how to get over our gag reflex, I glance over at Angela. She is squeezing her lips together. She is the only one of us with an official boyfriend. After Alice questioned her, Angela admitted that they'd reached second base a few days ago. Because that's where it all starts, we have to be prepared for everything else—Alice's words, not mine.

Alice finds a visual. Angela and I both get up on our knees to see over Alice's shoulder before quickly sitting back down.

"Yeah, so, I am never doing that," I say, and I can feel Angela tense. She must not have decided if she will be doing it or not, or she's coming to terms with the fact that she will be.

It looks disgusting. There is no way I would put something like that in my mouth. I feel bad for Angela, but I am relieved I have a clear stance on the matter.

"I'm so doing this," Alice says without looking away from the screen. I don't know how she can be so confident. "Oh, there's a video."

The video takes a few minutes to buffer, and I'm feeling repulsed about what I'm about to be exposed to. Alice isn't making me watch this. I could easily leave the room or divert my attention elsewhere, curiosity wins, and I get up to stand behind Alice. Angela follows me but stands a few feet back.

When the video starts, I can't pull my eyes away. There's a guy naked in a chair and a girl naked on her knees in front of him. She's licking her lips like she's the one who is going to enjoy this. When she starts licking at him, I know this isn't an instructional video; this is porn.

Alice turns the volume all the way up. "We need to know what this sounds like."

I don't object because once she says it, I wonder too.

"There's no way she's getting that down her throat. It will kill her," I say, and I feel Angela come closer.

Alice looks at me. "No, she's going to. This girl looks like she's had a lot of practice."

Then she does it. There's nowhere else it could have gone but down her throat. I expect her to throw up, but she doesn't. The only sounds are moans and groans. I'll never make sounds like that. I'm embarrassed for them.

He's fisting his hands in her hair, and seriously, how long is this going to go on? I'm starting to get really worried about Angela. Her shoulder is against mine now, and I know she's planning on doing this with the way she's watching so intently. It's the same way Alice watching but with less enthusiasm.

The girl pulls back, and the guy spews out all over her chest. I think I'm going to be sick. I can never unsee that.

Chuckling, Alice closes the window. "He was probably going to lick it off next."

I look back, and Angela has retreated back to the corner. Curiosity, it scars. Alice doesn't need any time to recover. She finds a Disney star-turned-pop-singer video on YouTube and starts singing along. Her song choice is so annoying, it's catchy.

It's the last home game of the season, and Alice wants us to go all out. She has a bag of Forks High spirit wear all bought from the local grocery store. Royal blue and gold beads hang from our necks, and pompoms on plastic sticks are jabbed through our ponytails. The long streamers cover our hair and make Alice's hair look like it is actually long. When Alice smears black stripes under my eyes, I'm fine with it. The only thing that's starting to worry me is how far Alice is going to go when it's spirit week and she goes to our school.

In between songs, there's a soft knock on my door. Alice flings it open.

It's Edward. I turn my head away to hide the smile taking over my whole face. Random Edward visits are my favorite thing to hope for, and I wasn't even hoping for one now. I should have been, but we were busy. Although I'm happy to see him, I'm relieved he didn't show up a half hour ago.

I close out the website on the computer, but I don't bother turning it off.

Walking over to Edward, I say, "Hey, I thought we were meeting you there."

"We were, but you said you wanted me to take you to school."

I did. Taking me to football games at school definitely counts.

"C'mon. Jasper's downstairs."

I follow him down the stairs with Alice and Angela trailing behind. It's Friday night. My dad's at work, and I know after the game, Edward will be staying here. Tomorrow, we have a date, but there's still tonight. Alice will be here too, so I'll be sticking with her. Will this night be any different from the others?

If I overthink it—if I plan out the stolen moments we could possibly have—I could be setting myself up for disappointment. Edward shows more interest in me when we're by ourselves, but I'm nervous for how tonight may go.

We take Edward's car because we can all fit. Alice pouts, but I drag her along to sit in the back between me and Angela. After the game, Angela and Ben aren't coming back with us. I'll have plenty of time to deal with Alice.

The short drive is made long by all the tension in the car. Alice's desire not to be in this car, and Jasper's need to change her mind, makes the air thick.

Getting out of the car should be a relief, but it isn't. Alice is in a mood now, she could snap at anyone at any moment. No way is it going to be me.

I spot my dad and wave. He's on duty. He mentioned he'd be here as much as he could to watch the game. An event with a crowd like this usually comes with a police presence anyway. We wouldn't want the citizens of Forks to start a riot. Of course, my dad would view the lack of crime as his job well done.

Jasper walks ahead of us and pays for Alice to get into the game.

"No. This isn't a date. I'm not going in there. You don't get to manipulate situations." Alice is pissed.

I look over to Jasper expecting him to look horrified, but he's smiling. Edward pays for me and Angela. We both protest but give in to get past Alice and Jasper. We leave them to argue. I look back a few times to see if Alice needs me, but it doesn't look like she has even noticed I've gone.

It's crowded. The whole town is probably here. We follow Edward's lead, but finding somewhere to sit looks impossible.

The marching band is playing, making it hard to think over the sound of the music combined with all the voices.

The only hope we have to sit down is to climb over people and ask them to scoot over. I hear my name being yelled. When I look around, I see Jessica Stanley jumping up and down. I pull on Edward's arm to show him.

He scoffs, annoyed. He puts his hand on my waist and yells in my ear, "I'm going to go buy food. Do you want popcorn or cotton candy?"

I pull money out of my front pocket and yell, "Both."

He takes my money and hugs me. I think I feel a tickle around the back pocket of my jeans, but I'm not sure. I can't just ask, "_Hey, did you just do that?"_

When he leaves, Angela and I make our way up the stands to Jessica. As I take a step, I can feel something in my back pocket. I reach in and pull the money out. More than being annoyed that he gave my money back, I'm disappointed that that's all the tickle was.

As we approach, I know I should have looked further. My eyes focused on Jessica saving us from standing around with nowhere to sit. I failed to notice who she was already sitting with.

Mike and Tyler sit behind Jessica and Lauren. I thought Jessica was hard to deal with, but she's nothing compared to the other three and that's individually. Put these four together, and I'm sure I'd rather stand. The people around them have also kept their distance, leaving enough space for us. I guess being obnoxious has its perks.

Tyler and Lauren ignore me as if I'm not here. They greet Angela, but when Lauren's not looking, Tyler gives me a sad smile. I shake my head. I don't want his smiles. Him asking Lauren to go to homecoming, when I was still deciding if I wanted to go with him, was one thing, but his brilliant plan to take us both was ridiculous. I'm not mad, but he's not someone I want to be friends with.

When I sit down in front of Mike, he places his hands on my shoulders as he says, "Hey, Bella."

"Hi."

He doesn't remove his hands, he starts massaging my shoulders, and Jessica looks at me with panic in her eyes. I roll my shoulders out from under his grasp.

I haven't seen or heard from Rosalie, so I text her. It's not long before I get a text back.

**Rosalie: I got here early and got suckered into volunteering. I'll see you after the game. **

If I need to get away from my present company, I'll go search for Rose. Although, I may be searching for Alice and Jasper sooner.

I see Edward with his arms full of cotton candy, popcorn, and drinks. We make eye contact, and I know he's never getting up here without dropping everything.

"Save our seats. I'll be right back."

Angela and Jessica put their legs across the bleachers. Edward's stopped along the way by a senior named Heidi. He turns around to talk to her. If I could see his face, I might be okay with continuing toward him. Right now, I don't know if he wants to talk to her or not. I can see her face though. She's smiling flirty and pulling off candy that was supposed to be mine.

I feel unfocused and lost. I'm out of my element. Maybe if I had already been with him and she approached, I could have shown her just exactly how much she isn't wanted.

He knew I was coming. He saw me. I keep walking, but I slow down. He doesn't look. If he doesn't want to talk to her, why isn't he looking for me now?

If I turn back, I'll look like an idiot. If I interrupt Edward's conversation with the girl, who is now eating _my_ popcorn, I'll feel like an idiot.

Every step I take forward is heavier. Every step I take, without a look from Edward, burns. If he didn't want to talk to her, he's had plenty of time to brush her off. I didn't want Mike touching me, and it only took seconds to make him stop.

The marching band finishes a song. The crowd is loud but not so loud that I don't clearly hear Edward laughing.

When I get closer, I do the only thing I'm capable of doing. I keep walking past them.

"Bella," Edward calls out when I'm ten steps past him.

I walk back over. "Hey, what's up?"

He looks at me confused. He doesn't get to be the confused one.

"Hi. You look cute," Heidi says as if she actually knows who I am. She smiles sweetly, but in my mind, she's just making fun of the team spirit Alice has me covered in.

"Thanks."

Edward tries to hand me the cotton candy.

"No thanks. I should probably go find Alice." I turn to Heidi. "I'll see you around… Sorry, I don't think I know your name." I give her a sweet smile.

"Heidi."

"Oh. Well it's nice to meet you, Heidi."

I don't look at Edward again; I just leave. I get past the stands, and I hear the game start behind me.

Rationally, I know Edward didn't think anything of what just happened. His friendly flirtatiousness is compulsive. I don't know if it's something I can get used to. It's not something I want to get used to. I look behind me. Not that I expected him to come after me, but I wish he had. I wish I could have shown Heidi exactly whose candy she was eating but reacting at all would just make me look pathetic and insecure.

Alice and Jasper are still talking. At least now, they are laughing. The distance Alice is keeping between them is obvious. Jasper moves toward her, and she moves away.

When Alice sees me, she runs over. I'm engulfed in her arms. "Thanks for coming back for me. I'm sorry for being a downer. I'm just very passionate when I argue."

Or very passionate about Jasper, but I won't mention that. I know what it's like to be on the other end of Alice's passionate arguing, and I don't even argue back.

Alice links our arms together as we walk back toward the bleachers. I hear Jasper sigh. I look back and see his hands are in his pockets, but he's not sad. He shuffles his feet as he walks like he's frustrated. These two are so dramatic.

I can see Heidi, but I pretend that I don't. Edward isn't with her. He's up higher in the stands sitting next to Angela. I've seen him sitting with her before, at the time, it made my heart bleed. Now, his being with her, instead of someone like Heidi, is a relief.

It's relief, but there is no ease. My heart is still sore. If this was life testing my confidence in Edward, I've just failed. I want to own this. I want to be able to see him with a girl and know us well enough that I could go straight over, and I would be wanted, that I would come first. That the other girl would be the one brushed off and not me. Logically, I think I know that, but subconsciously, I still don't. It's an insecurity I wish I didn't have. The same insecurity that has already cost us so much time.

I don't even want to look at Edward really. Alice apparently knows Mike Newton, and he makes room for her to sit beside him. Jessica looks upset for all of five seconds before she's talking to Jasper about the rhythmic balance she is mastering in her poetry.

When Angela shifts over a few inches, I have no choice but to sit between her and Edward. I sit down but lean toward Angela. I can see Emmett on the field. He's larger than most of the seniors and, therefore, hard to miss.

"Is Ben out there?" I ask Angela.

"Edward says he is. I can't see his number from here."

I briefly listen in on Alice and Mike's conversation about how the JV football team won their game yesterday. Mike sounds proud, but I'm sure it's hard to see the turn out for this game compared to yesterdays.

"Bella," Edward says.

I turn to acknowledge him despite the fact that I'd like to continue ignoring him. He tries to hand me the food again.

"I don't want it anymore." I turn back away.

Everyone cheers. Some people stand, but I didn't see what happened. I'm not sure I'd know what happened if I had.

Edward hands the cotton candy and popcorn back to Mike. His arm goes around my waist, and he tries to pull me closer. I don't budge.

Looking him in the eye, I see he's hurt. Running sounds really good right now. Telling him to go find Heidi if he wants to hold on to someone is on the tip of my tongue.

He pulls on me again, and my body leans into him. I'm a traitor to myself.

"Did you want something else?"

I shake my head. _What's the point of getting me something else if it'll just be a prop as you flirt with someone else? _I bite my tongue.

His mouth is against my ear. "Don't be like this, Bella. Tell me what's wrong."

I pull away. He should already know. If I have to say it, that will be a whole other problem.

The air is cold, but body heat radiates all around me. Edward doesn't let go of me. I look around. Tyler and Lauren are gone. Angela and Jessica talk and talk. Jasper pretends to listen. Alice is listening to Mike, but her eyes keep glaring at Jasper. He notices.

Edward pulls on me again. He won't stop until I give him something.

"Why don't you think about what could possibly be wrong and let me know when you have an answer?"

His eyes are sad. It hurts to see him like this because of me. It's not my fault though, it's his. I numb myself and block him out. He removes his arm from around me.

Silence. Everyone else jabbers on. There are boos and cheers and people heading out early. Between Edward and me, there is nothing but a stressed silence.

When I see Emmett back on the field, I cheer in my heart but not out loud.

Alice leans forward and kisses my check. "Do you want to go?"

I shake my head and smile. Alice knows it's fake.

I feel Edward lean in against my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Why?"

He doesn't have an answer. Apologizing for the sake of apologizing is meaningless.

I stand up with everyone when we win the game. People don't stick around to celebrate; it's a rush to get out of here before the crowd. They are defeating the purpose and just creating chaos.

Edward grabs my elbow, holding me back as I try to leave with everyone else. "If this is about Heidi, I don't like her. You don't have to worry about that."

"Okay." I nod and reassure him. It's not okay, but I don't want to do this here. I don't want to do this at all.

When we get down the bleachers, our friends are already gone.

Edward grabs my hand and pulls me to him swiftly like he's just pulled me into a dance. "I don't want you to be mad at me, but the whole time you wouldn't look at me, I just really wanted to kiss you." He grins, tilting his head to the side.

I smile as my eyes automatically go to his lips, but I don't kiss him. Jealousy got the best of me, but these words now are mine. I don't move his arm when he slings it around my shoulders.

Jasper and Alice are waiting by Edward's car. Alice is clearly unhappy to have to wait with Jasper.

Edward opens the back car door for me. His attention turns to Alice as I climb inside. Jasper sits down in the front seat, slamming the door shut when he's in. My door's still open, but I can't hear what's being said between Edward and Alice.

Jasper's head hits the headrest then he moves it forward and hits it again.

I lean forward, so I'm not overheard. "Maybe if you backed off, she'd chase you."

He scoffs. "Worst advice ever. It's never going to happen."

"Which part, you backing off, or her chasing you?"

"Both."

Alice climbs in over me instead of getting in on the other side. Edward shuts the door as soon as her feet are clear.

Alice puts her seatbelt on and lays her head on my lap. I smooth down the hair that has come out of her attempt at a ponytail, and she smiles at me. There's so much I don't know about her; so much of herself she's chosen not to share; so much of myself I haven't let her see, but I feel like she already knows. When Edward starts driving and turns the music is on, Alice turns her head to look at me. She crooks her finger towards herself, straightens it out, and bends it again.

I bend toward her as much as I can which is really just me hanging my head down.

"Edward said I don't get to sleep with you tonight."

I stare at her wide eyed with disbelief. It's too dark to get a clear view of her face. I can't tell if she's just messing with me.

"Don't worry though. I told him you're a prude, so he should leave you alone."

I'm blank-stare mortified. Would she say that? I envision it. She would definitely say that.

I lift my knees up and let them drop. She just laughs. It was supposed to hurt. She sits up and leans into me as Edward takes a corner too fast.

"I was just kidding," she says in my ear. "I told him to go for it."

I look at him through the rearview mirror. His eyes meet mine briefly before I panic and look away.

Can my heart handle anymore stopping only to start racing moments later? I have a feeling it will have to.

.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hi. Thanks for reading!**

**Thanks to my prereaders and Betas for all their help this chapter: Dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and Twilightmom505.**

**Thoughts? Next chapter picks up where this one left off. Any predictions?**


	18. Chapter 17: At Last

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**Chapter 17: At Last**

**.**

Edward presses his hand against the small of my back as we walk to my door. I don't know how I feel about it. It's a wanted touch, but there is a tension he doesn't seem to feel. He's oblivious to the fact that I'm still kind of mad at him and even more oblivious as to how nervous I am over what could potentially happen tonight. Or not happen because I'm still mad and, also, really nervous. That probably equals nothing actually happening.

I turn the lock and open the door. It sounds like someone is here. Alice and Jasper are behind us, so I continue into the doorway to get out of their way. As soon as we all get inside, the sounds become clearer. It's a lot of moaning and really sounds like an orgy is happening right upstairs. I look around and find Jasper and Edward raising their eyebrows at each other. I meet Alice's eyes as the moaning turns to screaming. She mouths "_go" _just as I realize exactly where the sounds are coming from.

As I'm frozen in place, my heart races for miles before I take off running for the stairs. Stumbling half way up, I look behind me and see Alice at the bottom holding Jasper and Edward back. She can't fend them off for long. I get to my feet and race to my room. What's on my computer screen is worse than anything that Alice had on earlier. I close the window, but there's another one on underneath, most likely the main culprit of the orgy sounds. This one won't close. It wants to know if I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure, but yes doesn't mean yes in this situation. There are steps on the stairs too loud to be just Alice's. I panic and fall to the floor, then crawl under my desk and pull the plug.

Jasper is the first one in my room with Alice and Edward right behind him. Alice falls to the floor beside me. We can't help it. One look at each other and we're both laughing hysterically. Through watery eyes, I see Edward watching me, and I have to cover my face.

"You get viruses when you watch porn, Bella," Jasper points out. I don't look at him. My face heats up. This is really embarrassing, but I'm not going to point my finger at Alice. I watched it too. There's no excuse to give.

Alice blows out a long breath. "She doesn't. We are actually going to bed though, so you guys should probably go."

Jasper raises his eyebrows at her. "You're kicking me out?"

Alice walks up to Jasper and gets right in his face, or his chin, it's all she can reach. They don't argue. They don't even speak. They just stare each other down. Edward bypasses them and helps me off the floor.

Edward's hand is warm as it stays enclosed over mine while I stand beside him. He motions his head toward the door, and I follow him out. Our hands disconnect as we leave the room. I didn't hold on tight enough.

We make it to the living room without hearing another sound from upstairs.

Edward's fingers thump against his thigh. "So…"

"So?"

"Do you want to sit outside?"

I sink my teeth into my lower lip and nod.

Edward opens the door for me, and I walk over and sit on the porch swing. I hope he sits beside me, and he does, but not very close. We both start rocking the swing with our feet on the ground, but it takes a few tries before we are moving at the same time.

The sky is covered in clouds that block our view of the stars, so I watch the moon and the way the clouds float over in front of it.

I try not to will Edward to move closer, say something or at least look at me. I try not to, but it's all I think about. Playing around with ideas inside my head, I think of lying down with my legs across his lap, or scooting over and laying my head on his shoulder. He could play with my hair. I wish he would initiate something, but he's just sitting there, rocking.

"Why are you so far away?" he asks.

I smile at him, but I'm not moving closer. I sat down first. He's the one that chose the distance.

"You're mad at me," he says accusingly.

"I'm okay."

He huffs, annoyed. "I'm sorry Heidi talked to me."

"Okay?" I roll my eyes because a girl talking to him is not the issue.

"You keep saying that."

"I don't know what else to say."

"Whatever you want. If you're mad, be mad. If you're not, then don't be." He has it all figured out.

"It's fine. I'm good." I know my voice has an edge to it that makes it sound like I'm not okay, but what can I do? Girls are going to talk to him. They always have. I just want to quit talking about it so the annoyance can pass, and we can move on.

He leans forward so he can look at me, but I'm trying really hard not to look back at him. "Do you still want to hang out tomorrow?"

Hang out? It's supposed to be a date, like an official one. Not a hang out. My swinging falters causing us to jerk. "Do you?"

"Yeah."

"Me too," I say, but now I'm unsure and it's really scary. "What are we going to do now then?"

"What do you mean?"

"If we're _just_ hanging out," I clarify.

"Oh. You want to just hang out?" he asks.

I'm going to scream. All this pressure in my chest is just a massive scream building. He is exasperating. I let myself rage on the inside for a moment, so I can be calm when I talk to him.

I close my eyes and exhale. "_You _said we were just hanging out."

"Oh. I wasn't trying to change our plans. I just don't want to pressure you. And I don't know what you want…and I'm just trying to do whatever you want in whatever capacity you'll let me."

I press the heel of my hands into my eyes. "What do _you _want?"

He breathes out hard. "It hasn't changed. I've wanted to be with you for years, but you always say no. And now I'm this close." He makes a barely there gap between his fingers. "I know it, but this close makes it a lot harder to give you the chance to say no again."

"Everything you've ever asked me to do, I've said yes."

"No, Bella. I've asked hundreds, thousands of times. I mean…you even chose to go out with Tyler Crowley over me."

"No I didn't. And you said you didn't care." I try to get the swing going again, but Edward holds his feet firmly against the ground.

"You thought I didn't care? I cared. I cared when I had to watch you kiss him, I cared the whole night I thought you were dancing with him, and I cared the next day when you had hickeys all over you."

"I did not!"

"Well, I saw one. How was I supposed to know how many there were?"

"Because I told you I just wanted to know what it felt like. Jasper didn't want to do it in the first place, so why would I have more than one? Thanks. Now I can't stop thinking about how many _you've_ had. Apparently, where there's one, there is bound to be more."

He's staring at me, and I think I'm going to throw up. I don't want to know how many he's had.

The muscles in his jaw tense. "What all have you done with Jasper?"

"Nothing. I mean, I kissed him, but we didn't do anything else," I say like it's obvious.

"Great."

He's the one who's been hooking up with people, all the while claiming to be interested in me. Before, I sat quiet and just took what I could get. Now, I'm listening to him turn this around on me. Later, I'll consider my part in all this, but right now, all I see is his.

I scoff. "You should talk. Maybe if you didn't get hickeys all over you, I wouldn't have felt the need to get one at all."

Comparing our situations, I know we were both with other people when we shouldn't have been. I was right here wanting him when he went off with Tanya. What I didn't know back then was that I could have gone with Edward to homecoming for no other reason but that we wanted to go together.

He looks offended. "I don't have hickeys."

"Not right now, I hope."

"Do you need to search me?" He pulls on his shirt like he's going to take it off.

I still his hands with mine. "No. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"So you're just going to be mad at me then?"

What he said before at the game—that even though I was mad he really wanted to kiss me—I feel that now. I want to yell at him more and kiss him at the same time. I want to grit my teeth and climb on top of him.

"I'm not mad. Are you mad?" I ask.

"I don't know. Have you been hooking up with Jasper this _whole_ time?"

"No." I try to say with conviction.

"Do you have feelings for him?"

"Not like that."

He looks in my eyes as if he's checking for my sincerity. "Tyler?" he asks, accusing.

"No!" I say too loud, disgusted with him for still thinking it possible, and disgusted with myself for previously considering Tyler as a possibility.

He leans away. "You don't have to yell at me."

"I'm sorry. Do you—ya know—have feelings for someone?"

He shakes his head. "Just you."

"Okay, but you know, when you flirt with girls like Heidi, it feels like you're still trying to spread your feelings around."

"I didn't flirt with Heidi." He grimaces in the same way I'm sure I did when he mentioned Tyler.

"Oh. So you were laughing with her for no reason and letting her eat my candy just because?" I shrug my shoulders.

"I was laughing at her, not with her. And I wasn't giving her your candy, she just grabbed it. Should I have ripped it away from her? It's not my fault she's rude."

I can't help but laugh as I imagine Edward snatching the cotton candy back from her. Her taking the cotton candy wasn't the problem. The way it made me feel was. The way I didn't feel like it was my place to interrupt them. Like, even though he likes me, it doesn't mean he doesn't like her too. I saw Tanya all over again without giving the situation a chance to play out.

"Are we good?" he asks.

"Yeah."

He looks at me and closes his eyes for a moment, longer than a blink, before he starts leaning toward me. It'll be perfect. We can have porch swing kisses, and then he could ask me the yes or no question that brings us past dating and means he's really mine.

My eyes start closing but aren't all the way shut when headlights land on us from the driveway. Emmett and Rosalie have arrived. I'd like to pretend I didn't see their approach, but Edward is up off the porch swing and heading straight over to them.

He looks back at me. "Are you coming?"

I shake my head. I need a minute.

Emmett greets Edward in a half handshake, half hug.

I slip into the house as they linger outside talking about the game. Emmett's voice is full of pride and Rosalie is just as enamored by it all, right at Emmett's side.

Jasper is in the living room alone, making up a bed on the couch.

He motions up to my room, and I go without questioning. I expect to see Alice in turmoil, but I'm surprised to see her sitting on my bed, elbows resting on her knees, and smiling.

"What happened?" I ask.

She looks over, obviously just realizing I'm in the room, and gets up to hug me.

With her arms around me, she says, "I need to get through my list fast."

I laugh, wondering how Jasper managed to get her on this faster track. "The fastest way to get through it is to rip it up."

"I know, but I can't. I have to do this now. I can't be my mom."

I don't want to be my mom either, but I'm well aware that I'm nothing like her. I'm content in this town with the people I have. "We never talk about our moms."

She sighs. "Moms are overrated."

Though I know that Alice lives with her aunt and uncle, I don't know why. I realize she's brushing off the subject, so I let her. "Yeah, cuz we turned out _so_ great."

"You and me, Bella; we're amazing."

"Uh huh. Let's see about this list."

She pulls it out of her back pocket. It must live in there. She unfolds it and hands it to me.

"Dance with two people at once," I say as I read. "I can get Rose, and we can dance with you." Not that I really want to dance, but it's an easy thing to get off the list.

"I kind of imagined that one in a club or at a party."

"Semantics. Do you want me to get her or not?"

She glances at the open doorway and smiles. "Yes. Do it."

As I leave the room, Alice is already crossing it off the list.

I could just yell down the stairs, but I know Edward's down there, and even if it is for just a moment, I like to look at him.

Rose's arms are crossed and she's glaring. No doubt, Emmett is at the other side of that glare.

"Finally." Emmett says when he sees me. Two egg cartons sit in front of him. Edward and Jasper flank his sides.

I quirk my eyebrows and Edward grins, rolling an egg around the table.

"What are they doing?" I ask Rose, even though the guys can hear me.

"They're going to eat raw eggs, so they can be bodybuilders."

I look straight at Edward. He looks down, embarrassed.

"Okay? Is that all it takes nowadays?"

Rose rolls her eyes. "I told them not to, but they aren't listening."

Hence, the evil glare from Rose.

I know how to deal with this. I look at Emmett and cross my arms in the same fashion as Rose. "She's not going to kiss you if you do this. No girl is going to kiss a guy she watched swallow a raw egg."

My eyes shift to Edward, I can't help it. He puts the egg back in the carton, staring at me.

Emmett's fingers are twitching. He doesn't want to listen. He wants to do it anyway so Rose can be mad at him and he can grovel afterward. That's how they work. I glare at him as I inch toward the table and take the eggs.

We don't break eye contact as I back away to put their bodybuilding idea back in the fridge.

"Where's Alice?" Rose asks.

"Upstairs waiting for you."

Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all protest as we walk away without looking back. It's nice to have them all here and to feel like they really want me around. All those times with them playing video games or poker and me sitting around, waiting for the next time Edward would talk to me, feels so distant now.

Alice explains to Rose about her list. Even though she doesn't tell her why she has it in the first place or that Jasper is the reason she needs to get through it, Rose is game and already picking out music.

I'm not so sure how I'll do at dancing. When Alice pulls me to the middle of the room, I reach over and lock my door, tugging on it to make sure it's latched.

I mimic Rosalie and Alice's movements as they move their hips and arms with me in front of Alice and Rosalie behind. Alice pulls me in closer, laughing. I'm glad she's having a good time.

One dance is clearly not good enough; I feel my confidence grow with every song. We twirl and giggle, and song after song makes the time drift by without us even realizing, until Emmett is knocking on the door telling us he wants to go to bed, and then pouting when Rose tells him to go then.

Even as she lets him walk away, I can tell she doesn't mean it. It's how she keeps him on his toes, or maybe how she doesn't let the relationship consume her. She's always rolling her eyes or snapping at him, but seconds later, she's smiling.

Alice points at Rose and says, "You. Go to your boy." Her finger moves to me. "You. Go say goodnight to yours."

Rose salutes her and goes. When I don't follow behind, Alice makes a sweeping motion with her hands to shoo me.

There is no one downstairs. I'm disappointed as I look around, wondering where Edward is. I move slower in case he comes back from wherever he went.

As I grab two bottles of water out of the fridge, I feel him behind me. How close? I can't tell. I close the door and pretend I don't know that he's watching me.

"Do you think I can get you to stay open and talk to me more?" Edward asks from right beside me.

I turn to face him. "If you're open, I'm open."

He quirks his head to the side. "I've always been open. You've always been shut."

"I'm open to you. You just don't ask questions right."

"Okay, I'll remember that for tomorrow," he says.

"Not tomorrow. Why not now?"

He shrugs. "Does it matter?"

"What does matter?"

He moves closer. "That I didn't eat any eggs." He kisses me softly and moves back. Squeezing my hip, he says, "Goodnight, Bella."

Up in my room, I get self-conscious over the very thing I was just worried about. "He didn't say anything about sleeping with me. Do you think it's because he thinks I'm a prude?"

Alice laughs. "No. I didn't tell you what we _actually_ said."

Poking her side, I command, "Tell me right now."

"He told me to keep my hands to myself, or he wasn't going to let me sleep with you."

"Oh." Alice really twisted that around in the version she told me.

"And then I said I wou;d, and stuck my tongue out at him. His eyes bugged out." She laughs. "I didn't mean it like that, I swear, but it was really funny."

I laugh now, but had I seen the exchange, I would have been really embarrassed.

"Don't worry, Bella. I'll keep my tongue to myself too."

.

.

.

I wake up wedged under Alice. She's not cuddling; she's using me as a bed. It's only seven a.m. I shouldn't be awake, but I have a date today. Suddenly, Saturday feels an awful lot like Christmas morning. I couldn't go back to sleep if I tried; I'm definitely not trying.

Alice wanted to make a coffee cake this morning. Well, she actually wanted to make it last night, but she spent her time holed up in my room. I get out from under her, not being very careful since I'm trying to wake her up. It doesn't work. I get dressed and brush my hair and teeth before trying again.

Pulling on her arm, I say, "Alice. Psst."

I nudge her, pull the covers off her, and even roll her over. Nothing works. She's out.

Leaning down, I whisper in her ear. "Alice, wake up. It's Christmas."

She bolts up so fast she almost knocks me over. Her eyes are wide as she takes in her surroundings. When her eyes land on me, her face falls.

She wipes the sleep from her eyes, and after grabbing fuzzy slippers out of her bag, we tiptoe out of my room and down the stairs.

I pull her over to spy on Jasper as he sleeps on the couch. If it were Edward, I'd want to look, so I think she may want to as well, though she'd never admit it.

She clamps her hand over her mouth when we see him lying there holding a pillow against his bare chest.

Somehow, Alice manages to get the cake in the over without waking Jasper. She gloats in a silent dance before grabbing my arm and pulling me down the hall toward the den. As we get closer, I start resisting, but Alice doesn't care. She lets go of me as she knocks softly on the door and takes off.

Even though I'm embarrassed, I decide to stay. If he's grumpy from being woken up, I can blame it on Alice. The door opens. Edward stands there shirtless with his hair all over the place. He smiles and pulls me into the room, closing the door behind us. The sofa bed is pulled out with blankets strewn around.

"Let's go back to sleep," he says.

As we lie down, his arm goes under my neck, and my head rests on his shoulder. He's motionless, but I can't hold still. My fingers itch to touch his skin.

"Bella?"

I tilt my head up to look at him and let my hand move to his stomach.

He angles his head to look me in the eye. "I don't want you to feel like I'm interested in other people."

"Okay?"

"Do you trust me?"

I'm trying, but based off last night, I'm not there yet. "I want to."

"How do I get you to trust me?"

"Just prove that I can. You don't trust me either. You don't even trust me with girls."

"I trust you. I don't trust them."

We lie there silently. After a while, I assume Edward has fallen asleep. I run the pads of my fingers up and down his torso.

Trusting a perpetual flirt isn't the easiest thing, but I think I need to.

His fingers start moving against my back. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I had a hickey."

Nodding my head, I say, "You did. I saw it."

"I know, but it was a bruise. She bit me really hard. Her teeth are huge."

"Oh." I can feel his heartbeat, it's steady. My own is faster. "Do you think you would be with Tanya if she was still in town?"

"No, Bella! Why would you think that? I'd go out with Jessica Stanley before her."

"Okay, geez. You're the one who hooked up with her."

"She attacked me. I had nothing to do with it."

"Please stop talking. I don't want details."

"There are no details. I took her home. Maybe I kind of kissed her, but I was going for her cheek and she turned. I pulled away and she leeched on to my neck."

"You didn't sleep with her?" I ask because even though it's not something I'd like confirmed, for the first time, I realize it's more than possible that he didn't.

"No! I shoved her off of me and left."

"You did not shove her."

"I didn't knock her down or anything, but the only way to get her off of me was forcefully."

Thinking back to the day he told me I would be going with him to all future dances, I know I was mortified by the mark on his neck, with thoughts of what happened running rampant. I didn't see the pleading in his eyes through my own devastation, and Emmett and Jasper talked about it like he was so cool for hooking up with her. He never denied it, but he also didn't talk about it either.

"Why didn't you say that then? Why did you let everyone think you hooked up with her?"

"I don't know, but I didn't know that's what you thought. But even if it is what you thought, you didn't like me anyway."

"I did."

"Not enough to be with me."

"Always enough to be with you."

"Then why did you never say yes?" he asks.

"I told you. You never asked."

"I was always asking. You were always giving me the brush off."

"No. You've never asked," I say again.

He huffs, shifting so he's higher than me, arm extended, holding him up. "Bella. Be my girlfriend."

I laugh. "Yes, I'm saying yes, but that still wasn't a question."

"Doesn't matter."

A giggle escapes me as I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down in a tight hug.

"Crap. I have to tell you something."

My eyebrows furrow. This doesn't sound good.

"It's about Heidi."

"No. Please no," I say, and I can feel myself shaking. He's going to ruin this already.

"Don't freak out. I don't think it's that big of a deal, but I should tell you."

"Okay."

"She's in my math class, and we're allowed to have food in that class. She has candy all the time, and sometimes I take it. She doesn't care. She just laughs, but that's probably flirting, and I don't like her, so I won't do it anymore."

I breathe out, relieved. Of all the things it could have been, it's just candy. "Just steal her damn candy, Edward. Seriously. Don't freak me out like that."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine." I lay my head down on his shoulder. After a while, I say, "I'm sorry too."

"Why?"

"For never believing you. And you know, kissing people."

He laughs. "You've kissed half the people in this house."

I glare at him with a grin. "But you first."

"And only from now on, right?"

I nod and crane my neck to kiss him when I hear my dad's cruiser pull up in the driveway. Edward's eyes widen. I kiss him fast and run out of the room and into the kitchen where Alice is plating her coffee cake.

My dad steps into the kitchen, nods his head, and takes a plate from Alice.

"Who's all here?" he asks.

"Rose, Edward, and Jasper."

Rose is still in Emmett's room. We are usually all awake when my dad gets home. If we are still asleep, with both doors closed, he can't be sure who is sleeping where. Although, he'd be dense not to know, it's better he doesn't know for sure.

I ask my dad to sit down and eat with me before I whisper to Alice to go close my bedroom door, so it looks like Rose is in there.

I take a seat as my dad says, "So, big date today?"

"It's just a movie."

"Uh huh. I'll probably be asleep when you leave. When do you think you'll be back?"

"I don't know. Didn't you tell Edward when he had to have me home by?"

"I oughta tell him that, huh?"

"No. If you haven't already told him, just tell me."

"Ten. What were you girls up to all night, baking?" he asks.

"Eleven. No, we woke up early. We were dancing in my room all night."

"Ten thirty. And the boys?"

"I don't know what they were doing. We were in my room."

"Uh huh."

"How was work?"

"Quiet."

I know he was working last night, but all night? C'mon. Honestly, I really don't want to know. Life, the way it is right now, is perfect for me. Em and I can take care of ourselves. Charlie has always tried his best, but really, he hasn't offered much by way of guidance. He provides for us and never makes us feel like a burden.

"I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, kid."

Alice has changed out of her pajamas when she joins us at the table. She talks my dad's ear off about fishing gear she saw at Newton's. Apparently, the local outdoors store and the town coffee shop are places she spends a great deal of time.

Edward emerges from the den fully clothed. It's not natural for him to be in a shirt right out of bed. I bet if he was at home, he'd still only be half dressed. My dad nods to him, but excuses himself to go to bed.

He smiles at me as my dad leaves the room. My boyfriend. I want to squeal and gush to Alice, but not in front of Edward. He takes the cake Alice offers him, and then she winks at me before leaving the room. It only takes him two bites to eat a slice that would have taken me at least five.

"So I'm going to go home and pick you up in a few hours. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. I'll walk you out."

The morning air is cold and dew drops cover the greenery surrounding us. Outside the driver's side car door, he pulls me into a hug. It's the best hug I think there's ever been; at least for me. He's coming back to take me to a movie—a movie that I don't plan on watching. He's mine now, so we can skip all that yawning to get his arm around me and brushing hands in popcorn. We shouldn't get popcorn. I don't want my mouth to taste like butter.

He squeezes me closer, and I breathe in his shirt. He kisses me, fully.

I don't want to let him go, but if I don't, I can't get ready. Reluctantly, I kiss him one more time and wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him while raised taller on my tiptoes.

When I get inside, Alice is sitting on the couch next to Jasper, laughing. As much as I want to talk to Alice or Jasper about my boyfriend and upcoming date, I bypass them for the stairs. If they are going to have a relationship, they need the chance to let it unfold. I know they'll get extra time too. With Edward gone, Jasper is going to need a ride home.

.

.

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**Author's Note:**

**Thanks so much to everyone who is still reading! **

******Thanks to my prereaders and Betas for all their help this chapter: Dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and SilverAnemone13.**

******Happy Holidays!**

******~Melissa**


	19. Chapter 18: Clouds

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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* * *

**Chapter 18: Clouds**

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This date I thought I'd never be on is nothing like I dreamed it would be. Edward wasn't kidding when he said he didn't do much planning as far as this date goes, because now that we're on it, everything is falling on me. The thing that is most evident is that Edward and I have no idea what we're doing.

The movie has already started by the time Edward and I make it inside. I took too long deciding on candy. Edward wouldn't let me buy it, so I wasn't going to get any, but of course, he insisted. I refused to choose. It was ridiculous, really. He ended up spending more in the long run when he just bought several different kinds.

Despite the fact that the film has already started, the movie theater is empty. With his arms full, Edward tells me to choose a seat, but I just stare at the openness. The last thing I expected was a deserted theater. Does sitting in the back come with implications? How far do people actually go in movie theaters? I didn't think to find out before I came.

"Why is this so hard? Just sit," Edward says, losing patience.

"If it's so easy, you pick a seat." I gesture around the vastness of the dimly lit theater.

He does, but it's in the middle. Pushing the seat down, he sits and puts a drink in the holder. The arm of the chair can be lifted, but Edward sits at the end of the row, putting the drink in the holder between his seat and the one that's to be mine. There My disappointment in his choice spurs me to make my own.

I walk past Edward toward the back of the theater, and he immediately gets up to follow. I don't stop until I'm in the back corner. Behind me, Edward is laughing. As soon as I sit down, I push the arm rest up.

"Okay then," Edward says as he sits down.

He pulls out a licorice stick and hands it to me before taking one for himself. His eyes are on the screen. I don't even remember what movie we chose. Or that I chose—he wouldn't. I just picked the one playing next.

Apparently, it's an action movie, but since we missed the first twenty minutes, I'm not sure which gun-wielding acrobat to root for.

I try to watch it for a while, but my mind can't focus on the screen. Instead, I'm aware of every single movement Edward makes and the weight that is pressing on my chest. It's not dread, it's anticipation.

This movie must be really interesting, so interesting that I'm beginning to wonder if Edward remembers I'm here. Girlfriend status hasn't given me the confidence to initiate anything, at least not yet. Maybe I can encourage him to initiate something.

I stare at him as I edge closer. His mouth twitches and he's smiling by the time I'm a few inches from his face. He still doesn't look at me, so I stop moving. I can tell he's trying not to laugh.

"Hi," he says as he faces me.

"Hi," I reply, tilting my head.

He shakes his head as he pulls me against his side with his arm wrapping around my waist. I like this better.

I rub his arm from his elbow to where the sleeve of his t-shirt begins. Up and down my hand glides on his skin. My fingers are cold from the frigid temperature of the theater, but he is still warm. The closeness is comforting. If I closed my eyes, I could fall into a peaceful sleep. But the fact that I want more is starting to make each pass of my fingers feel like a ticking clock. A minute goes by so slow when you watch every second tick by. The movie won't last forever. We're leisurely now, but if I don't start something, I'm going to regret it. This is nice though—feeling his warm body heat against me.

With the arm I'm not touching, Edward cups my elbow against his palm before twirling his fingers around it. For a moment, I wonder what my elbow feels like. It's not an area I've concerned myself with before. He must like the way it feels because his attention doesn't move from that spot.

The pads of my fingers push their way up his arm and my nails drag across his skin as my hand makes its way back down. When I'm ready for a change, I stop moving my hand. He grumbles and lifts my hand, moving it back to his arm. I oblige for a minute before I stop again. When I tilt my head to look at him, his lips are on mine immediately. I smile against his mouth because making out in a movie theater is exactly what I'd like to be doing.

I kiss him for as long as my neck can handle the awkward angle. When I sit up, he pulls me onto his lap one of my legs drapes over the armrest and my other foot balances me on the floor. Then we're kissing again and it's becoming familiar. I know what to expect and how to kiss back. It's continuous and easy. It's lips and tongues. Sometimes, it's more lips than tongues or tongues more often than lips. When his mouth starts opening, I know to open mine.

With our mouths still locked, I open my eyes a slit and see Edward's are shut. I take a moment to watch how relaxed his eyes are. As much as I like watching him, my eyes won't stay open. They're heavy and demand the sense of sight to be blocked as I get lost in only touch.

He starts shifting in his seat. I'm probably to0 heavy and hurting him or making his leg go to sleep. "Am I too heavy?" I ask.

He shakes his head and pulls me back as I try to move.

"I'm just switching sides." I pull away from his hold.

Reluctantly, he lets go long enough for me to shift over. When I'm moved, it's as if he hasn't just been kissing me for at least the last half hour. My thoughts are foggy as our kisses turn into the kind of kisses that don't just lead to more kissing—they lead to more.

He kisses so fast, it's hard to keep up. I pull away to breathe and he moves his mouth to my neck. There must be a nerve in my neck that's a direct line to my toes because Edward finds a spot that shoots all the way through me.

I can feel his breath as he exhales. My own breathing takes on the same beat. I shrug my shoulder to get him off of my neck and back to my mouth.

Even as the rush of kissing consumes me, I'm always aware of his hands, mine, or exactly where I'm sitting. His hands move on my back and my sides. When one reaches my stomach I ache for him to go higher. It's a relief and disappointment when he doesn't. I want him to, but if second base is the gateway for everything else, I should slow down on my wants.

We don't stop kissing until the credits roll.

Our movie started in slow motion, but gained momentum and rushed us through. Our time here is over. I wouldn't mind a rewind.

Edward chuckles when I resist his attempt to stand up and kisses the tip of my nose. "Do you want to go eat somewhere?"

"Sure."

"Where?" He lifts me off his lap and stands up.

He insists I make decisions, but he's not making any himself.

"Just fast food, I guess," I answer, trying to make a quick decision so we don't go through another standstill.

"No," he says firmly.

I laugh in frustration. "You pick then."

"Oh, I will," he says, putting his arm around me as we make our way out of the dark theater. I know he'll take me to the nicest place he can find.

.

.

.

Monday morning, I get dressed for school without much thought. I figure I don't have to impress anyone. Edward's picking me up, and I'm sure everyone is going to know we're together. I wanted to make an announcement to all of our friends, but aside from squealing to Alice, it felt awkward to just blurt it out to everyone.

All the girls at school are going to hate me. I may need a bodyguard or a shield to block the arrows that are sure to start flying. They may even try harder to get him to look their way. The thought has me going back to my closet. This isn't just an ordinary day—it's like the first day of school, but it's not. It's my first day at school as Edward Cullen's girlfriend. I stick with my usual jeans, but pick a nicer top. One that's silky and nice to the touch.

I don't exactly know how to do anything special with my hair. It's up or down and that's about the extent of my ability. I flip my head upside down and shake out my hair. I've seen Rosalie do this many times. Those times usually involved curling irons and hairspray, but this will have to do. Flipping my hair back up, I look in the mirror, and smooth it back out. Perfect.

When the doorbell rings, I square my shoulders and prepare myself. Today I will be presenting a new version of myself to people that have known me most my life. I'm still me, but in a way, I'm now someone else too. I can feel it. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I know this Edward's girlfriend version of me feels pretty amazing.

When I open the door, I don't try to contain my smile when I see Edward on the other side. He hands me a travel coffee mug, and I thank him before locking up the house. Today is going to be easy. Our relationship may be under a spotlight today, but how can that matter when I get to have Edward by my side?

"Did Emmett already leave?" Edward asks.

"Yeah. Probably an hour ago. He goes to Rose's early every day."

"They're ridiculous," Edward mutters, smiling.

I used to think it was ridiculous too, but now I realize that my dad sometimes has to leave early. I don't think waking up extra early to have Edward over would be ridiculous at all.

Edward opens the car door for me, and I sip my coffee as he makes his way around to the driver's side door.

As soon as he's in the car, he leans toward me, and I meet him half way for a kiss. When he backs away, there's a frown on his face.

I have no idea what just happened. "What?"

He shakes his head as he reverses out of the driveway. "You taste like coffee."

I look down at the mug in my hand. A gesture I always thought was him grabbing an extra mug for me after getting one of his own. "You don't like coffee? Why do you bring me coffee if you don't even like it?"

His jaw drops. "Uh…because you like coffee."

"No, I don't," I reply automatically.

His eyes open wide as he glances at me in shock.

"Wait. I like this coffee," I say as I hold it up. "But the coffee I make…it's gross."

He relaxes and shrugs. "I'd drink your coffee."

I laugh. "Why? You don't like coffee."

He gives me a pensive look. "I'd still take one for the team."

I turn in my seat, smiling wide. "How is that taking one for the team? What team?"

He reaches over and squeezes my hand. "Our team. We're a team."

"Drinking coffee that I make and you don't like isn't taking one for the team." My hand covers my face as I laugh about this conversation and the fact that we're having it at all.

We arrive at school, and the drive was so much shorter than I've ever remembered it being before. I take a drink from my coffee and unbuckle my seat belt.

"You know what would be taking one for our team?" I ask, leaning toward him.

Edward quirks his eyebrows.

I unhook his seatbelt. "If you kiss me even when I taste like coffee…and like it."

He looks at me with a straight face. I bite my lip and look away momentarily embarrassed by the suggestion I just made. His hand cups under my chin as he turns me toward him. My eyelids fall as he moves in; my tongue swipes out on my bottom lip. His gentle kiss makes me shudder, and when he kisses me again, I forget where we are.

When he pulls away, he says, "I think I'm going to acquire a taste for coffee."

I could stay right here and work on that all day. School is an intrusion. A deep breath and I'm back to the real world.

More than the rest of the student body, I wonder how our friends will react to our relationship. Will they congratulate us? More than likely, they will make lewd comments, but I don't doubt that they'll be supportive.

As we walk toward the school, Edward's thumb is hooked on his belt loop. I keep mine free at my side. It itches for him to hold it. My fingers fidget every moment that he doesn't. Mentally, I chide myself for having expectations.

Once we're in the hallway, our knuckles bump, and his hand moves to intertwine with mine. With an internal sigh, I keep looking forward. My mouth is straight, but I can feel a smile in my eyes. This is what it's like to walk on the clouds.

I bask in the feeling of our palms connecting and the pressure between every one of our intertwined fingers. So much so that I forget to notice if anyone is looking at us. Walking with his hand in mine, I don't care about anyone's reactions. Mean glares or astonished expressions won't change anything. When I smile at Edward, he lifts our conjoined hands and presses a kiss on the back of mine.

I am surprised though, later in the day, as I make my way to lunch, when I realize no one has said a single thing to me about Edward. Shouldn't we be the talk of the school? I mean, I am with Edward Cullen. I'd have thought wanted posters would be plastered around by now.

I sit down in the cafeteria across from Jessica and Lauren, beside Angela. At least Lauren gives me an evil eye attempt. I sit up straighter and return her glare with a smile. The only redeeming thing about Lauren is that she's a consistent example of how not to be.

My shoulder is squeezed from behind before Edward sits beside me. Angela gives me a knowing smile, making for the first acknowledgement of the day. I look around at everyone else and there is no reaction. Even as Rosalie and Emmett take their seats side by side and Jasper approaches with Ben, it's as if nothing has changed.

"What's wrong?" Edward asks.

I shake my head and turn to him. "Nothing. I just thought people would have more of a reaction."

"To what?"

I take his hand in mine. "Us."

He looks around the table where no one is acknowledging us. "Oh. People have been referring to you as my girlfriend for weeks. They already reacted."

"They did?"

"Yeah. You didn't get any 'that must be awkward for you. Your girlfriend has the hots for me?'" he asks in a mimicking tone.

"Someone said that to you?" I ask, surprised. I should be the one getting those comments, not him.

He nods with a laugh.

"Who?"

He lifts his chin to the left, and I follow the path directed. My eyes connect with Garrett's. I avert my gaze quickly. I know Rose told him I had a thing for him, but it's not like he cared. He must have liked the idea of having an admirer.

"Somebody lied to him." I squeeze Edward's hand.

He doesn't seem like he was too bothered by the exchange. Not as bothered as I am when I notice Heidi approaching our table flanked by her ditsy friend Gianna.

Edward sees her approach and turns his attention solely on me. His hands glide fluidly up and down my back. I knew there was a good reason for changing into this shirt.

He leans close to my ear as he says, "Her nose flares when she talks."

"What?" I ask, but there's no time left for an answer.

Heidi's confusion is obvious as she notices Edward ignoring her. It's clear that she felt comfortable in whatever sort of friendship they have in order to approach him.

"Hi. Heidi, right?" I ask, even though I know.

"Yeah. This is Gianna." I smile at Gianna, and she shrugs, twirling her hair as Heidi turns her attention to Jasper. "So…you're friends with the guys that go to the alternative school, aren't you? Are you going to that party? We wanted to go, but we don't know how to get there. It's like, in the middle of nowhere."

Edward starts laughing, and I see what he means by her nose, though I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't pointed it out. I nudge his side, and he holds in his laughter, but I'm almost sure he is still making fun of her in his thoughts.

"So you want directions?" Jasper asks.

"Well, no. We were hoping to tag along."

Jessica and Lauren stare at her with longing. Gianna and Heidi are part of a preppy clique that Lauren and Jessica could only ever dream of belonging to.

"So you weren't invited?" Jasper asks as a question, though it sounds more like a justified conclusion.

Heidi glances at Gianna. "We were. It was just so quick we didn't get many details…" Heidi trails off as if she's gauging the reaction to what she just said.

Edward brings his mouth back to my ear. "The other one flicks her fingernails incessantly."

I glance at Gianna's hand and her thumbnail is flicking each one of her nails. I unintentionally bust out laughing and Edward doesn't hesitate to join.

Everyone's staring at us, and the fact that they have no idea what we are laughing at, and looking at us like we're crazy, has me laughing even more.

Rosalie tells Heidi and Gianna, "Don't mind them. Inside jokes…they're full of them. And the party, we haven't decided if we're going yet." Rose looks to me. I don't think she knew about the party.

I shrug my shoulders at her and raise my eyebrows. She nods.

I smile at Heidi. Never before has there been a party that I'm invited to that this girl not only isn't invited to, but also really wants to go to. "I guess we'll go. It's cool if you want to tag along."

Lauren chimes in. "Yeah, it's no problem if you want to come with us."

"Okay, so should we meet at your house Friday night?" Heidi asks me.

"Sure. I live…" I start before Heidi interrupts.

"I know where you live. See you then." She gives Edward a weird look before walking away.

I turn to Edward. "Why does she want to go anyway?"

"Older guys."

"Oh. She really doesn't like you?"

He rolls his eyes as he shakes his head. "So, do I get to tag along to this party too?"

"Sure. You weren't invited?"

"No. We don't really hang out over there anymore." His hand moves to my knee.

"Why not?"

"Jasper's been too caught up with something else."

Alice. "Maybe she'll want to come too."

This day has gone nothing like I expected. The new person I thought I was is no different to everyone else. That's okay though. Everything I do should be for me anyway. After school, I feel like my normal self, aside from Edward dropping me off at the Brotski's to walk their dog, the kiss goodbye, and the promise of a goodnight phone call. Otherwise, I make my way home just as I would any other day.

When I reach the driveway, I open the mailbox. I reach in, pulling out a stack of bills and ads. We don't check the mail often. I try to sort through the pile as I walk to the door, but as I shuffle through, a postcard flutters to the ground. I stop and stare. This is what it feels like to fall from the clouds.

.

.

* * *

**A/N:**

Thanks for reading. Sorry about the wait.

Thanks to my betas and prereaders this chapter: EdwardsMate4ever, Gigi Scott, dazzled eyes22, and ttharman.

I know their first date was awkward, but I think they're finding their way. What do you think?


	20. Chapter 19: Dealing

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

**.**

**Chapter 19: Dealing**

The postcard in my hand is heavier than the cardstock it's printed on. I sit secluded in my room with the corners of the card digging into my thumb and fore finger. This is a sick joke. I have yet to turn the card over. Staring into the eyes of Mickey Mouse is already too much. My fingers move on and off the corners, continuously poking my skin until the sharp point becomes soft and rounded.

A warm heat fills my face. Trying not to cry, I take long breaths through pursed lips. I've never been to Disneyland or Disney World as this card seems to come from. The cards I've received from my mother in the past were from random places I had no desire to go. No place she has sent me cards from is any better than my home. This one though—this is a childhood dream vacation.

Mickey Mouse's fingers wave "ha ha, you didn't get to go." Someday I can go. She can't stop me. She's trying to taint Disneyland, and I'm not going to let her.

I set the card down and text Edward.

**Let's go to Disneyland. **

I curl up on my bed and watch my phone for his response. My mind drifts, and my consciousness waves in and out. I imagine my mother walking along the beach or through a vineyard. She lives a dream that doesn't include me. Right as the cycle of my thoughts brings me visions of my mother in mouse ears spinning in a teacup, my phone chimes.

**Edward: Just say when. **

I smile. I could say now, but that would be like dreaming out loud. I really want to go. I want to make it a goal because it's something I want, not because my mother felt the need to rub her trip in my face.

**After graduation? **

**Edward: Too far. How about spring break? **

**Not Possible! **

My phone rings, but it's not Edward. It's Esme.

"Edward, what did you do?" I mutter to myself before answering the phone.

"Oh, Bella. I'm sorry to bother you. I hope you're not busy. I'll make this quick. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead, so I was hoping you could come by for a while Friday afternoon." She takes a short pause to breathe, and I wait to find out if my admittance to Edward—that I'd like to go to Disneyland—has put me in an awkward position now. "I'd like to try baking with you again. I know you kids have a Halloween event going on that evening. If you'd like, I could help you get ready. Do you have your costume?"

"Um…" Costume?

"That's okay. If you don't have one by then, I can help you with that too."

When we get off the phone, I sit baffled about whether or not I need a costume. I consider calling Edward, but if he is near his mom, it would be odd for me to call him immediately after getting off the phone with her. Instead, I call Alice and am immediately assaulted with a horde of questions about the party that I don't have the answers to.

"Bella, you're not giving me much to go on!"

"Well, I don't know. How am I supposed to know if a Halloween party means a costume party?"

"Okay, I've got it. There are enough of us that we can all wear costumes without looking out of place if no one else is."

"Alice, no." I would rather not dress up.

"Okay, okay. How about we dress up in something more fun than costumes? Like a theme. We can try out a different style that's new to us, but not a costume. That would be fun, right?"

_Well, no. "_I guess it depends. I'll try to be open minded."

Mickey Mouse is sneering at me from behind his to-happy face. I lift up my alarm clock and slide the card under it.

"Okay, I'll pick you up on Wednesday. It's our last class together. I'm going to miss you," Alice says sadly.

I can't help but laugh. "I'll still see you, and you'll be going to school with me soon enough."

After I get off the phone with Alice, my mother screams from under my alarm clock, begging to be heard. It would just take a peek to give her the few moments she seldom wants from me. She picks up a postcard from wherever she is and haphazardly jots down a note. In turn, I should receive it in the mail, give it a glance, and think nothing more than, _well that's nice. _What I really do is dwell and feel all the insecurities I spend my life trying to overcome.

My strength wavers, and I lift up the alarm clock, no longer able to fight the pull. I flip the card over as quickly as ripping off a Band-Aid I've been easing off for too long.

_**Wish you were here. **_

I let go. The postcard falls. Where it lands, I don't know. Disneyland or Disney World, both are places I no longer want to go. I curl up under my blankets, covering my head, and pull my phone with me into my cave. My phone, the only connection I have to the outside world from my solitary confinement.

I scroll through my contacts. I know if I call Jasper he will tell me everything I want to hear. His own bitterness at his father would be relegated to me. He'd tell me she has no place in my life, say horrible things about her and nice things about me. I wouldn't believe him, but I'd want to.

I don't call Jasper because somewhere between Alice and Edward, I lost the crutch I had in him.

I find Edward's name and call. Hearing his voice right now sounds better than anything else. It rings and rings. I start to worry he won't ever answer, but when I'm sure I'm about to be sent to voicemail, he picks up.

I chuckle, relieved. "You always answer."

"Always. So, Disneyland?"

I fall into the comfort of a different kind of longing fulfilled. Despite the gloom surrounding why we're talking about Disneyland in the first place, he puts a smile on my face.

"Never mind Disneyland. I want to go to the beach."

**.**

**.**

**.**

On Wednesday, Alice arrives at my house to take me to our baking class. She's so sentimental about this being our last class that she's brought a gift.

I stare at it for a moment as the gift bag handle hangs from her finger. I feel like a jerk. Alice is near tears over this day, and I don't see what the big deal is.

"Umm. Hold on. I have something for you too." I leave her standing in the entryway and sprint up to my room.

With Alice as a friend, it may be a good idea to keep gifts on hand. I've got nothing. I open drawers and dig around. I need something new and unopened. Buying extra stuff I don't have the intention of using immediately just isn't something I do. In my closet, my foot hits a bag; the one Esme gave me under the guise that she bought the stuff for herself but changed her mind. Aside from some elastic hair bands and lip gloss, there was nothing in there I'd ever use. I reach in and pull out a hard plastic case filled with metallic nail polish and false eyelashes. The first time I saw these, I thought, _Really, Esme?_ I bite my lip and shift my feet before deciding that if Alice doesn't like it, she'll at least pretend.

I run downstairs with my makeshift gift. I'm about to say, "happy last day of class", when I see the sad expression still on her face. "My sympathies on the last day of the cooking class where I met one of my greatest friends," I say with a careful smile.

Her tear-filled eyes lighten. "I know I'm being ridiculous. I just hate when things end. Even if I could talk you into another class, it will never be like this one."

"I know. It's bittersweet." I take the gift bag she offers and hand her the gift I didn't really get her. "Umm… I have all this stuff Esme gave me, but most of it will just sit in my closet, so I thought you'd want this, and there are a few other things you might want too."

She looks down at the metallic enamel and ponders the contents. I'm prepared for her disappointment, but when her eyes meet mine, she's grinning. "This is perfect, Bella. You have more stuff like this? You just gave me the best idea for the party!"

I wait for her to elaborate, but she doesn't. She nods towards the gift still unopened in my hands. I pull a book out of the gift bag. It's actually not a book, but a hardcover blank notebook.

"So we can write each other notes and pass the book back and forth at school." She watches me nervously.

"Perfect." I give her a hug and take her up to my room so we can figure out whatever this great idea of hers is.

She starts going through my closet as I dump the contents of the bag from Esme on my bed. "So we need anything silver or sparkly, and the most important, metallic."

Metallic? "Are we going to be robots?"

The bag contains a few metal bracelets and glittery cosmetics that fit Alice's description.

"No, silly. Extraterrestrial."

Aliens?

In the end all I own, that is even remotely metallic is a glittery purple swimsuit wrap that couldn't be classified as a full skirt. That doesn't matter though. Alice doesn't intend for it to be a skirt. When she gets through tying it around me to demonstrate, all that covers my back is a knot where the ends are held in place. Of course, I'm not supposed to keep the shirt on underneath.

I tug on the material, and it's easily pulled down. "This is never going to stay on."

Alice waves her hand. "Just pin it. You'll be fine."

I sigh. I'll figure something out.

That night in class is surreal. Alice is right; we'll never have this again. I'm not sentimental about the class itself, but this is a time that is just for us. We'll have to sign up for something else.

.

.

.

Being at Edward's house as his girlfriend is the biggest difference yet. We've fallen into a rhythm in our relationship this past week. I don't have to wait for him to hold my hand, kiss me, or even call. He does all those things, but if I want to, I do them myself, and he's always happy when I do. But here, helping his mom make a practice birthday cake for him, we're not on the same page when it comes to touching.

He keeps grabbing my waist and kissing whatever skin he's able to reach. Esme hasn't paid much attention as she studies the recipe card that he keeps telling her to follow word for word. It's clear that following a recipe is her only problem in the baking department.

Edward and I sit on the barstools by the kitchen island as Esme cracks eggs into her KitchenAid mixer. His hand brushes along my back where my shirt has ridden up a little. I swipe his hand away, looking to see if Esme noticed. Her fingers tap on the counter as she looks over the ingredients she needs.

Edward's hand moves under my hair and up the back of my neck. It lulls me into a moment as I unconsciously lean against his touch.

"Mom!" Esme and I both jump at Edward's outburst. "Word for word."

She huffs. "I got it. I got it. Why don't you two go get changed?"

It's surprising that I don't fall off the stool with how quick Edward grabs my bag and pulls me out of the kitchen and up the stairs. _What about the cake?_ He slows as we approach his room and stops once we are inside.

I step into the room further, toward his unmade bed, and hear the door close behind me. "Did you decide to dress up?"

"No, I'm just going to change my shirt." He pulls me to him by my belt loops, and I give in to the kisses I've been spending the afternoon trying to avoid.

I'm sure this is not what Esme had in mind when she told us to go change. She could check on us any minute, but as his mouth gets more insistent and we start moving toward his bed, I decide we have at least five. With my arms overlapping behind his head and his wrapped around my waist, we stumble backward in a two-step dance we aren't in sync to.

I know there is no keeping track of time when his lips are on mine. I stop before we reach his bed. "Your shirt," I say through a heavy breath. We need to focus.

He nods and lets me go. With the sudden loss of contact, I take a step back and sit down on the bed. His hands grip the hem of his shirt and, in an instant, it's up over his head and thrown back toward the closed door. That's not what I meant.

The whimper I let out causes him to smirk. There's no time to be embarrassed. As he climbs over me, I lie back on his bunched up comforter.

My palm meets his bare chest, and I forget what I want to say. I have to close my eyes to pull myself together. "We have to change," I say, my voice just above a whisper.

"I know. I'm working on it." He starts pushing my shirt up my torso, digging his fingertips into my ribs.

I gasp with a squeak. My stomach muscles clench from the air I'm newly exposed to. "Your mom."

"Is going to be busy for a while," he says, his nose tracing my jaw.

Maybe. I turn into his kiss, my leg bending and rubbing against his hip. I find my bearings and nudge him off me, pulling my shirt back down. "She only had to pour the batter in the pan."

"Yeah, right." He grins. "There's one rule in this house." He moves closer with a serious face. "Don't eat the cake."

We both laugh as he leans his forehead on my shoulder.

I move my fingers up his side. "Really though, we have to get dressed."

He grumbles and pushes himself off the bed. I watch his back as he walks away from me, wondering when the next time will be that I'll have him alone—really alone.

He emerges from his closet, pulling a black t-shirt over his head. I get up and grab my bag to change, but as I pull my clothes out, Edward sits on his bed watching me. If his mom hadn't been home, I probably would have let him take my shirt off, but I'm not changing in front of him. I tilt my head to the side and raise my eyebrows.

"I'm going to check on my mom," he says as he walks past me.

I pull my shirt off as soon as the door clicks closed. I tie the knot for the improvised shirt in the front and then pull it around so it's in the middle of my back, leaving me with a large triangle of material in the front. Alice isn't going to like that I left a bra on, but I need something to pin this to.

I crack open the bedroom door so Edward can come right in when he gets back. As I fasten the safety pins, I hear a commotion and some yelling coming from downstairs—some sort of cake sabotage I presume.

As I slide metal hoops on my wrists and in my earlobes, loud footsteps stomp up the stairs. Edward comes in the room; his clothes are splattered with cake batter. As soon as he passes the threshold, his shirt is up and over his head and thrown on the floor with his other one.

"I have to shower," he says as he makes his way to his closet.

"Hey, can I wear your white button-up shirt?" I call out to him as I gather the nail polish and makeup I plan to ask for Esme's help with.

"Long sleeved or short sleeved?" he yells back.

"Long." I pull my hair up in a quick bun.

I fold the shirt I was wearing and put it in my bag before setting it by the now open door. When I turn around, Edward is standing outside his closet, holding both the shirt for me and clothes for him while looking at me like he has something to say.

"What?"

"You don't want to go to this party, do you?" He sets the clothes down on his bed and moves toward me.

"I don't?" I ask, confused.

He shakes his head as his arms circle around me. His mouth moves against my ear. "Let's ditch the party."

We can't just do that. Can we?

His hands move up my bare back. However, before he can kiss me, I faintly hear Esme grumbling in the distance, so I shove him away. "Stop."

I put on the long-sleeved shirt, push up the sleeves and tie it at my waist instead of buttoning it. "Why don't you come over for breakfast on Sunday, and while my dad's watching TV, we can go make out in my room."

He grabs his clothes off the bed. "Why would we do that?"

"We wouldn't. So why would we here?"

"She won't come up here, and you never come over when she's not home."

"You never asked me to." I pick up my bag and gather the rest of my things in my hands.

I turn to leave the room, but Edward grabs my elbow, stopping me. "Would you do that?"

Do what exactly? There's a pause as I wait for him to elaborate.

"If I ask you to come over specifically because my parents aren't home, wouldn't that be rude?"

I wonder why he would think it was rude, but I realize that Esme sets a limit on our time together and what I'm willing to do. Without her here, we'd have to set our own limits, and I don't trust that we wouldn't get carried away.

"No, I'd come if you asked."

He nods. "Okay."

"Okay. Go shower."

He smirks, but doesn't say anything, so I walk away and leave him with his thoughts. Even not knowing what he's thinking makes me blush.

I find Esme in the kitchen, cleaning the cake batter off the floor. When she sees me, she sighs, dropping her wash cloth in the sink and removes her soiled apron. "You know, I tried. When I married Carlisle, I thanked his mother for the way she raised him. But look at this, Bella." She gestures around the kitchen, and even though it's now clean, I know what she means. "All of this because he'd rather have a cheesecake."

She looks defeated and not as a baker, as a mother. I don't want to make her more upset by telling her why he's sabotaging her cakes, but it seems like thinking she's raised a spoiled brat is a bigger failure than being no good at cake. "I think maybe he's worried that you'll be upset if your cakes don't turn out, so he's trying to ruin them himself."

"I appreciate you saying that." She gives me a tight smile. "It's a nice theory, but he's still a boy. They don't think that way."

"Oh. Maybe he really just likes your cheesecake."

"That I believe." She smiles, seemingly moving on from the debacle she just went through. "You look nice, Bella."

"Could you help me with this stuff?" I hold up the cosmetics in my hands.

"I'd love that. Let's set up in the other room."

Esme moves a small end table in front of me and slides the chair's footrest on the other side of it before leaving me alone to grab something from her room. I imagine she has a vanity table filled with perfumes in fancy spritzer bottles and scented powders with plush brushes in which to apply them. But then again, she probably doesn't. I'm just making this up. I have no idea what Esme has because even though she has offered to help me in the past with things like nails and makeup, I've always said I was fine. Not because I didn't want her to, but because I didn't want to be a bother. Now though, I realize Esme wasn't offering to help me out of charity; she genuinely wanted to.

She comes back in the room with a bag of nail care items I would have never considered using. I know what they are and what they're for, but if I was doing this by myself, I would have just put the polish on and watched the time tick by as I waited for them to dry. Prepping and shaping my nails isn't something I'm sure I have time for. It doesn't matter though. If Esme wants to go all out on my nails, everything else can wait.

As she lifts my right hand in the gentlest way, a twinge of guilt flares in my heart. The other day I tried to tell my dad about the party. I kind of referred to it as a Halloween thing, and then I told him all the kids from school that would be going. Then I told him Esme was going to help me get ready. He wasn't really listening, so I kept rambling on about how I would be responsible and he could trust me, and I'd be home whenever he wanted. When I finally caught a breath and waited for his response, he just asked if I needed money. If Esme wasn't helping me get ready though, he probably would have told me no. I didn't do it intentionally but in a way, I used her name to get my dad to let me go.

Edward walks in the room. He gives me a worried look as he nods toward Esme. "Mom." She doesn't acknowledge him.

He shifts his feet. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Just go take out the trash." She doesn't look at him, but the problem seems to be settled.

Edward smiles at me with a silent apology before he walks out.

"Is he at least being nice to you?" Esme asks as she applies the bright purple polish.

"He's great."

She smiles proudly to herself and so do I.

Esme ties a shimmery silver scarf in my hair and puts eye makeup on me so heavy that even before I see it, I know that I'm no longer just wearing a bit of metallic and glitter; I'm whatever extraterrestrial theme Alice had planned. Maybe now she'll forgive me for covering up with Edward's shirt.

When we head out, Edward takes my hand, but Esme yells at him not to muck up my nails. He drops my hand like it's on fire. He puts his arm around my waist instead. Even though Esme may still be watching, I don't swat it away.

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**A/N:**

**Hi. Thanks for reading. **

**Thanks to everyone who worked with me on this chapter: ttharman, dazzled eyes22, EdwardsMate4ever and bigblueboat.**

**If you're interested, I have an entry posted for EBS's 2nd anniversary challenge called Empty-handed. Voting info is on my profile.**


	21. Chapter 20: Advance

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**Chapter 20: Advance**

The cold, fall air has a bite to it that stings through my thin clothes as Edward and I walk through my yard. We had to park on the street because of all the cars at my house. Who'd have thought that I'm meeting everyone at my house before heading out to a party, and I'm the last one here?

"Are you sure you want to go to that other party? You've already got one here." Edward curls his arms around my waist from behind as we walk to the front door.

I clasp his forearms as I drag him the rest of the way. "Why do you want to stay here? We're here all the time."

He pulls on my top. "Did you forget I saw what's under here?"

I blush over my touchy-feely boyfriend even after he disengages from me once we get inside to talk to Ben and Jasper.

I find Alice in the dining room, drawing on Emmett's face with silver eyeliner. I should have known he'd want to dress up too. Alice gives me a wink when she sees me. Angela and Rosalie sit across from them, exchanging make up and accessories. Rosalie blows me a kiss, and I smile at her as I return it. I told her about Alice's party theme idea, but her little black dress says she chose to ignore it.

Heidi and Gianna come through the back door, but they aren't alone; they've brought a couple of tag-alongs of their own. I watch Tia and Jane's eyes go straight to where Edward is in the living room. I should have asked Esme to file my nails into spike-tipped claws. Some girls are harmless, wishing for something they can't have. Those are girls like Jessica and are nothing to worry about. These girls have complete confidence, and they know how to get what they want. Had I known Heidi would be bringing them along, I'd have told her she couldn't come with us.

Heidi approaches me. There are jewels attached just above the arch of her eyebrows. "Hey, Bella. Thanks for letting us come over here." She puts her hands on my shoulders as she leans her chest toward me in what she may think of as a hug.

I don't lean forward, but I do return her distant gesture with a pat on her back. "No problem. Did Alice get to you already?" I ask, gesturing to her eyebrows as she straightens herself from her attempt at a hug.

She brings her hand up to her forehead, running her fingers along the bumps. "Yeah, she has a bunch. I'll put some on the corners of your eyes. That'd be cute."

I follow her to the table and let her adhere the jewels, wondering how, when Edward was my crush, I didn't want girls here, and now that he's my boyfriend, my house is full of them, and I'm sitting in another room.

Heidi looks at me from different angles. "Perfect."

Her nostrils flare, and I chuckle as I thank her. When Alice finishes with Emmett and gets to me, she doesn't complain about my shirt, but she does fold it in a way that the wrap underneath Edward's shirt is more visible. She compliments the way Esme colored around my eyes, and I tell her the same, as her makeup is ten times more extreme than mine.

I hear Edward crack up laughing in the other room, so I make my way over to save him. He's laughing at Jane and she smiles brightly back at him. What girl wouldn't like a guy that finds them funny? He gives off all the wrong cues.

He sees me, and his face shifts from laughing at Jane to smiling just for me. "Ready to go?"

I nod and reach for his hand.

Although I don't give in to my urge to show my smugness to these girls, it feels like they're glaring at me.

Jessica and Lauren never showed. I try to text Jessica, but don't get a reply, so we choose cars, and I lock up the house before we head out.

.

The party is chaotic. A stereo is blaring something, but the bass is up so high I can't hear anything other than the thumping vibration.

I cling to Edward's hand while Alice holds on to my arm. Even with this larger group, I feel like I stand out. Everyone we came with surrounds us, so I hold my head up high and try to enjoy this.

Alice is fidgeting at my side, excited, like she's stuck in a cage waiting to be freed. She stands on her toes to yell in my ear. "This is perfect. I bet I'll be crossing something off my list tonight. I'm going to mingle."

As she walks away from me, I start to go with her, but Jasper is already on his way. Rosalie suggests we couple off for a while. It would be hard to maneuver around as a group. Edward takes my hand and leads me through the house to the backyard, where it's quieter, but just as crowded.

He presses his lips to the skin in front of my ear. "What do you want to do?"

I lean into him. "Make out."

His body shakes as he laughs. "Here you want to make out when you spend so much time trying not to?"

I look at the ground, huffing, because it feels like he's making fun of me. "Do not."

He snorts, but he takes my hand, leads me to the side of the house, and backs me up against it. When he starts kissing me, I feel like I've just crossed something off my own list. Someone whistles at us, and I laugh against Edward's mouth.

He pulls back. "We should have done this at your house."

I shake my head and pull him back. There are too many people wanting our attention at my house. It's proving to be easier to have a moment alone when we're amongst a crowd.

I shiver from the cold. I try to ignore it, but after two more whistles, we decide to give our swollen lips a rest.

Back inside, Angela and Ben let us know they are heading out.

I hug Angela, whispering in her ear, "Have fun."

She blushes pink and says, "I will."

I catch sight of Emmett and Rosalie, who waves, but immediately goes back to talking to the group of people she and Em are standing with.

"There's a line for the bathroom," Edward says. "I'm going to see if anyone's in the one upstairs. Do you need to go?"

"No, I'm okay. Go ahead. I'm going to get some water." Whatever people have filled in their red, plastic cups is not something I want to be drinking.

He presses a kiss to my cheek before he goes, leaving behind a tingle where his lips just were and a lingering smile on mine.

As I make my way down the hall, I pass Heidi. She suggestively has her chest pushed up against a guy who is much older than we are, confirming the reason Edward said she wanted to come here. Shaking my head, I continue on my way.

I expect other people to be in the kitchen, but it's empty. The music is lower; instead, there's a rowdy game going on in the other room. There are cheers of excitement and wails of pain. I'm not sure I want to know what they are doing.

Looking around the kitchen, the counters are vacant of all the clutter I saw last time I was here. Not wanting to be nosy, I contemplate just sticking my head under the faucet, but no one is around, so I start peeking in cupboards for some sort of glass.

After the fourth unsuccessful cupboard, I toy with the idea of using one of the bowls I saw two cupboards back. I decide to try another cupboard. I'm just beginning to open it when a throat is cleared behind me. Startled, I close the cupboard with a loud bang before turning around.

James is leaning against the wall. His arms and legs are crossed.

My hand goes to my chest as I catch my breath. "Hey, you scared me. I was going to get a glass of water."

"Not a drinker, huh?"

"Not so much."

He opens the refrigerator, crouches down, and stands back up with a grape soda in hand. "Does this work?"

"Yeah, thanks." I take the can from his outstretched hand and pop the tab.

"I'm glad you decided to come. Are you having a good time?"

"Yeah. I'm having a great time." Not because of the party, but because I got kissed against a wall at a party by my boyfriend. The reality makes me smile.

James jumps up to sit on the counter and, out of a feeling of obligation and because Edward should be back any minute, I sit on the opposite counter.

"I like your…" He points to the corners of his eyes in reference to mine.

"Thanks." I don't really know what else to say. Small talk isn't something I'm good at, and I'm not sure we have much we can talk about.

A couple stumbles through the kitchen. It's a small distraction, and a short one.

"Is Victoria here?" I ask, hoping she's not. "I didn't see her."

"Nah." He scoffs. "She's being pissy about you guys being here. Don't worry about it."

"Oh. Why? Should we leave?" I look around for signs of Edward.

"You're cool. She's just _the shit, _ya know. Your boy doesn't get it, so…" He shrugs.

"Your girlfriend doesn't like me because my boyfriend doesn't like her?"

He curls his lips in like he's embarrassed. "Basically."

A deep laugh escapes me before I can rein it in.

"Oh, is that how it is? Are you making fun of me, Bella?" He laughs.

I didn't mean to laugh at him. Feeling rude, I put my hand over my mouth.

"Don't hold it in," James says. "It's amazing."

"What is?"

"Your laugh. It's all innocent and cute."

His comment makes me feel flushed. I look around the kitchen as I try to think of something to say.

James starts to say something else just as Jasper steps into the kitchen. "Bella, I need help." His thumbs are hidden is his shirt as he grips his sleeves.

"What happened?" I ask, worried.

"She is dancing with someone. I don't want to be patient anymore. It's not working." He walks the length of the kitchen and turns back around. "Should I break it up, or dance with someone else?"

"Dude," James says, hopping off the counter. "Beat the guy up. Chicks want to be fought for."

"No, don't." Jasper looks to me to continue. I'm grateful that he is more likely to take my advice than James'. I don't want to see him get hurt or in trouble because Alice is fulfilling her life requirements. "Do nothing. You're going to leave her alone. Do not dance with anyone else." I give him a pointed, serious look. "Trust me."

With a clenched mouth, he gives me a nod before he leaves, looking defeated.

"Don't chicks want to be fought for? Doing nothing means he doesn't get the girl," James says, moving to stand a few feet in front of me.

"Probably, but not this time. Thanks for this." I raise the aluminum can. "I need to go find…" I trail off as Edward walks into the kitchen. "Oh. Hi. I was just going to look for you."

He nods to James. "Sup?"

James nods back. "Just watchin' your girl." He places a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Don't leave her alone around here." He turns back to me. "I'll talk to you later, Bella," he says as he backs out of the room.

Edwards pushes my knees apart and stands between them. "I'm sorry I took so long. People kept stopping me."

I place my fingers, cold from my pop can, on his cheeks. "Don't worry about it." I kiss his lips before resting my forehead on his. "We should go find Alice and see if everyone else is ready to go."

He slides me off the counter, holding me up. My arms wrap around his neck and my legs around his waist. His hands hold my ass, and I think it's just accidental or just happens to be the easiest place to hold on, but then he squeezes. The sensation makes me feel closer to him as our embrace warms me and makes my eyes close. He takes a few steps before slowly helping me lower my feet to the floor.

As we head out to gather our friends, his thumb hooks in my back pocket, and for once, I'm happy he didn't take my hand.

.

When we arrive back at my house, it's late, but no one wants to sleep. Jasper is borderline drunk and Rosalie is trying to act like she isn't, but even people who don't know Rosalie well know that she doesn't laugh this easily.

Sitting on the couch, now wearing more comfortable clothes, I lean my head on Alice's shoulder while I wait for Edward to come back in. He went outside to call his mom. I called my dad as soon as I got in the car because I'm sneaky and wanted to lead him to believe I was home twenty minutes sooner than I actually was.

For once, Rosalie and Jasper are lucky that no one requires them to check in. I doubt they'd be able to maintain a charade of being sober. Or maybe if they were required to call someone, they wouldn't have felt comfortable drinking in the first place.

Emmett and Jasper set up a video game and Rosalie sits beside me—closer than what is normal for the personal space usually between Rosalie and me.

Rosalie swings her legs across my lap; her feet rest on Alice's. "I miss you," she says to me.

"I'm right here. I see you every day," I tell her, taking her hand from her lap and squeezing her fingers.

"You don't call anymore," she says through a yawn.

Jasper turns back from where he sits on the floor. "You don't call me anymore either."

"Me either," Emmett adds, shaking his head at me. "I don't even know if you have a boyfriend yet or if you're just fucking around still."

I glare at Emmett because he's always so vulgar about things. I don't know what they want to know. I tell Alice these things because it's obvious she wants to hear about it.

Rosalie laughs. "You have eyes, Em. They've been all official for a week."

Emmett pouts. "I know. Edward told me, but I didn't get any details."

He sounds like a girl wanting details, but I should have told him. I've been too wrapped up in Edward and my mom, and in turn, I've been doing exactly what I was trying not to do—forgetting my friends.

"What do you want to know?" I ask Emmett.

He shrugs. "How did it happen?"

I think about what to tell him, but saying that we argued over whether or not he ever asked me to be with him or not, leading to him actually asking, doesn't make for a very nice story.

I look at the ceiling as I lie. "I don't remember."

"You suck, dude. She can't even remember and it was a week ago."

I look behind me to see Edward. He's probably been there this whole time. He shakes his head, smiling a yeah-right smile at Emmett. "She remembers."

He leans forward, taking my chin and tilting my face up. He kisses me softly.

Rosalie grunts. "I'm right here you know."

She tries to lean away to get him out of her space, but he squeezes her shoulder and laughs at her. They exchange mean glares that aren't unlike ones I frequently exchange with Emmett. Alice is quiet, and I realize she's watching Jasper, examining him in a way I used to with Edward. I nudge her side and she gives me a slight smile before her gaze shifts back to Jasper.

Jasper loses the game against Emmett and Edward takes Jasper's controller. They goad each other on, guffawing and cursing out insults. Their game play lightens the mood and when Emmett loses, his controller is thrown across the room, but not out of anger, it's all in humor.

We're all laughing and having fun when Alice pulls her knees up in front of her and rests her list discreetly on them. She doesn't have a pen, but when I peer over, she points out the one she can now cross off. **Take the risk, hit on someone that intimidates me. **

There isn't much left on the list, but I can tell by the way she looks at it that her heart is not in it. What's the point of doing things, so you don't regret not doing them in the future, if you have to force yourself to do them in the first place?

"Can I see that?" Jasper asks.

Alice hesitates, but hands him the paper.

I can feel the palpitating of my own heart about to explode as Alice sits beside me, watching someone read something that's as personal to her as a diary.

Jasper folds the paper in half. "You want to do all this stuff?" he asks Alice, handing the paper back to her. Their fingers brush as she takes it.

Alice nods as she shoves the list back in her pocket.

Jasper pushes his hand through his hair. When he drops his hand, his hair barely shifts from where he's pushed it back.

Jasper walks his index and middle finger next to Alice on the arm of the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks her.

She looks at me, biting into her lower lip. I nudge her arm to encourage her to go.

"Okay." She starts to stand and Jasper takes her hand, helping her up.

After Jasper and Alice leave the room, Rosalie pulls my arm, so I'm leaning against her. Through a breathless giggle she says, "They're gonna do it."

Her chuckle is contagious, and I find myself laughing with her. "They are not."

We laugh even harder when Edward and Emmett look at us like we're crazy.

We switch off which guy we're obnoxiously rooting to win, and more than once, Emmett blames us for making him die. At least a half hour goes by before Alice and Jasper rejoin our group. I watch Edward exchange looks with Jasper, nodding toward Alice and smiling. Alice takes her seat back beside me and the atmosphere hums a different sound.

"Turn off the game, Em. I want to go to bed." Rosalie instructs when they're between games.

Emmett is annoyed by her instruction but does as she asks before he lifts her off the couch, and turns to Edward. "You better sleep downstairs. I'll be making the rounds tonight."

Edward snorts. "Uh huh."

Emmett winks at me before going upstairs with a squealing Rosalie in his arms.

Edward sits on the coffee table in front of us as Jasper sits on the arm of the couch. I'm anxious to find out what happened between Alice and Jasper to make her okay with him being so close to her now. She'll tell me soon. Secrets don't exist between us.

Edward's hand finds my knee as he addresses Alice. "So, how's it goin'?"

Alice blushes. "Good."

"Hey," Jasper says, gaining Edward's attention. "Kiss her." He points to Alice with his thumb.

My eyebrows shoot up at Jasper's request. Alice's mouth drops, but it quickly turns into a smile. I'm taking it as her appreciating Jasper's initiative rather than her wanting to kiss Edward.

Edward's smile is in disbelief. "No."

"Just do it. Who cares?" Jasper asks, shrugging his shoulders and lifting his hands in the air.

"No, I'm not kissing her. Why would I? You kiss her!"

"I can't until you do," Jasper says, in a ridiculous attempt to help Alice kiss the remaining people allotted on her list.

Edward starts laughing as he looks between the three of us; it's obvious he doesn't know what's going on. "Well that sucks 'cause I'm not doing it."

"Whatever. I'd do it for you…" Jasper starts laughing as he glances at me.

Edward stands up shaking his head and Jasper takes off running, followed right behind by Edward who chases him out the back door.

My head feels absent from my body as I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. He wants to help me, but obviously he doesn't realize you can't ask guys with girlfriends to kiss people."

"It's not your fault. I kissed Jasper and if that's going to loom over me the rest of my life, I'll have to deal with it."

"It won't. Jasper already laughs about it. Maybe someday Edward will too."

I doubt I could ever think of any instance that I've been upset by Edward being with someone else as funny, even if it was innocent on his side.

"Probably not, but it will be fine. Don't worry about it," I say, trying to convince myself as much as her and willing myself to have faith in my relationship. I curl up with Alice on the couch. "So, what happened with Jasper?"

Her eyes go distant as she remembers. As her lips part slowly, her tongue peeks out, swiping across her lower lip.

"He kissed you?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "He went like this…" She takes my face in her hands and leans her forehead against mine. "And he said, 'If you need to do all those things, I'm going to help you.'"

"And then he kissed you?" I ask.

"No." She laughs. "I already told you no."

We lie there for a while, waiting for Jasper and Edward to come back. I hope they aren't fighting. Part of me worries about the stupid things Jasper might say, but the rational part of me knows Edward understands Jasper and won't hold anything against him and hopefully, that extends to me.

The refrigerator begins a low buzz as my vision closes, but my eyes stay open. My head rolls toward Alice, and I startle out of my daze.

Alice sighs, turning to face me. "He's a good kisser, huh?"

"He's…" I hesitate, not wanting to go into detail about what it's like to kiss Jasper. "Experienced."

"That's intimidating."

I push her hair off her forehead. "He feels the same way about you."

"Why? I haven't really done that much."

"It doesn't matter. He has really strong feelings for you, and he doesn't want to mess it up." I lean my head against hers. "But you danced with someone you were intimidated by, right?"

She smiles. "Yeah. This guy was brooding. He wasn't really approachable, but you should have seen his face light up when I asked him to dance with me. It was cool."

It sounds like a social experiment.

It feels like hours go by as I fall in and out of sleep. The backdoor opens, but it sounds distant. The sounds of laughter close by causes me to open my eyes. Both Jasper and Edward's mellow smiles look down on me. I try to shift, but Alice is wrapped around me. Jasper helps me disengage Alice's hold, while Edward takes my hand and helps me climb over her.

As Edward turns out the lights, Jasper squeezes my arm in a subtle apology.

I smile and shrug, feeling like the situation wasn't that big of a deal, but I wouldn't like a repeat.

"Can you put a blanket on her?" I ask Jasper as I feel Edward's presence approach behind me.

"Yeah. You two go ahead," Jasper says.

"Goodnight," I tell Jasper while Edward bumps his fist with one hand while taking my hand with the other.

Edward leads me out of the living room to a crossroad between the stairs and the den he usually sleeps in. I think this is where we say goodnight.

He pulls me closer, kissing my forehead. "Come sleep with me?"

I hold my breath as I nod, afraid of letting out a sigh.

When we're in the den and the door clicks closed, I'm sure I must be dreaming. There have been so many nights I've fantasized about sneaking down here, and other times I willed him to sneak up to my room.

He moves behind me, guiding me to the pull-out bed. I climb across to the other side on my knees.

Edward watches me with a half-smile as he reaches across his body, scratching his side. "I'm going to take these off, okay?" He glances down at his pants.

"Okay." I look down at my hands as I hear him undo his belt and glance up just as he lowers his pants to the floor.

I remain exactly where I am as he joins me in the bed. My traitorous eyes follow his boxers and my mind rambles that they're blue and underwear and what he wears both under his clothes and to sleep in.

He pulls a blanket over us as I reach over and turn off the light. Moonlight creeps into the room from between the cracks in the blinds.

"Are you okay?" I ask, needing to know.

"Yeah," he says, and then there's a pause before he continues. His voice is slightly above a whisper. "But can you tell me something?"

"Anything." I put my hand on his chest.

His hand covers mine, pressing it against him. "Tell me about how you wanted me all along."

I close my eyes as I remember. "Every time you slept down here while I was upstairs, I'd think about you coming to me." I lick my lips, feeling parched and sad. This isn't a happy story. It's a story of wanting and wishing for something that wasn't happening. "I'd go in the kitchen and hope you'd come out and take me in here with you."

"I wanted to, but I couldn't just do that, not like Jasper," he says, sighing. "I couldn't be friendly and casual with you."

"I guess if you tried like that, if you just wanted to sleep next to me with no intentions, I would have been even more confused. I'd always wish for more," I say, placing a finger on his lips.

"Me too."

As he pulls me close, we mirror each other, turning into an automatic kiss. He sucks on my bottom lip, pulling it in, and trapping me. My lip feels like pins and needles, like a limb that's fallen asleep. It almost hurts, but doesn't. He lets it go, kissing me softly. I lick his lips; the top one and then the bottom. He opens his mouth, but I like the way his lips feel on my tongue.

He moves over me, and I move my hands to his face. His cheeks are soft, but have a scruffy feel of shaven hair growing back in. His body is barely touching mine as he hovers over me, kissing my mouth, my neck, and my mouth again. Wrapping my arms around his back, I pull him closer, wanting to feel his weight on me. It's secure and right.

"You feel good," he says near my ear.

His breath is warm.

"You too," I say, hoping I feel as good to him as he does to me, knowing I'm not really doing much of anything.

He rolls us over, so I'm on top of him. The security is lost. I don't know what to do up here. There's too much air. All around me is all this air. It's cold. I try kissing down his neck, but it's hard to tell if he likes it, so I lay my head down on his chest. I feel the rise and fall of his breathing. He moves his hands down my back and then lower. I smile in his neck, glad that we've already crossed that threshold, making it so easy to happen now.

"Do you want me to set an alarm for before your dad gets home?" he asks.

I nod with my chin on his chest before moving off of him, so he can grab his phone. After his alarm is set, he tucks me into his side. My head is on his shoulder, and I move one of my legs between his. He takes my hand, running his fingers along my nails before bringing my fingertips to his mouth and rubbing them against his lips.

When he moves my hand to his shoulder, it feels like it symbolizes it's time to go to sleep. I'd stay awake all night, but it doesn't matter. I love the way we sleep.

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**A/N:**

Hi! Thanks to everyone reading this. I'm sorry updates are getting farther and farther in between. I'm writing and writing, but not yet editing. Once I get it drafted to the end, I'll edit and posting will be regular again.

I greatly appreciate everyone who helped me with this chapter: dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and shinrai. Thank you all so much!

Leave me your thoughts!

.


	22. Chapter 21: Sense

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**.**

**Chapter 21: Sense**

**.**

Monday afternoon, I can be found on the floor of the girl's bathroom. We're supposed to be at lunch, but we'll be lucky if we get out of here before the bell rings.

Jessica and Lauren were no shows to the party, and now we know why. Lauren was busy hooking up with Mike. Jessica was occupied with witnessing the whole ordeal, and for her, the aftermath is debilitating. I've never seen someone act like this before. Her emotions vary between sadness and anger as she lets out heart-wrenching screams and spiteful words said through clenched teeth.

Angela is reassuring her as to what a great person she is and how any guy would be lucky to have her. Rosalie's reaction is a surprise as she pulls Jessica into a hug, cooing at her.

Another howling cry erupts from Jessica. I feel bad that she's hurting even if I don't understand what she ever saw in Lauren or Mike. I take her hand, and she squeezes mine through her misery. She yells out what an ass Mike is, and that Lauren is such a bitch. I try not to laugh at her outburst, but really? I thought that was common knowledge. Angela turns her face away from Jessica, but I see the smile she is unable to hold in.

"What am I going to do?" Jessica asks while gasping for air. "I have no other friends. No one likes me. Mike's the closest I'll ever have to a boyfriend."

My eyes start to roll, but I catch them, focusing instead on the writing inside the stall across from me, the one missing a door.

"Umm, hello," Rosalie says, quirking her head to the side. "Are we not right here? I feel bad for you, but I'm not going to help you if you're going to belittle the reason why we're here. 'Cause, ya know, we enjoy spending our time on this shitty floor, watching girls cry their hearts out."

"I'm sorry." Jessica swipes her hands across her cheeks, smearing mascara streaks across her face. "You're right. You three are ten times better than Lauren. And Mike—Esme said I can do better, and I totally can."

I take a deep breath as I try not to say something sarcastic. If Esme wants to talk to the girl, it's really not my business as long as she keeps me and Edward out of it.

Rosalie wets a paper towel and cleans up Jessica's face.

"Can I have your number?" Jessica gazes up at her through teary eyes.

"Sure." Rosalie tosses the paper towel in the trash, and Angela follows the cleanup with a dry one.

"One condition though," Rose adds. "You've got to stop ogling my boyfriend."

Jessica gasps. "I don't. I wouldn't…Angela?" Her eyes plead for confirmation.

"What?" Angela laughs. "You ogle my boyfriend too."

Jessica turns to me as if the words they're spouting aren't the truth.

I shake my head. "Don't even ask me. You know you ogle mine. You're not quiet about it."

"I'm sorry," she says, looking down.

Rosalie fixes Jessica's makeup and agrees to hang out with her after school. I have a dog to walk, and Angela has a boy to…I'm not sure what they do—probably everything. Maybe Jessica will benefit from some of Rosalie's tough love.

.

.

.

I'm lying on my bed, while doing my homework, with Edward on the phone. We have the same English teacher; we're just not in the same class. We're analyzing "The Metamorphosis" and arguing over the conflict of the story.

"I don't know. I still think it would be cool to wake up as a giant bug," he says.

I mindlessly doodle on my paper and have to erase it. "Well, don't wish for it too hard. Birthday wishes have a way of coming true."

His birthday is tomorrow. I think of the silver chain necklace I got him, hoping he'll like it. It seemed like a guy thing to wear and a girlfriend thing to give.

There's a knuckle rap on my bedroom door.

"Hold on," I tell Edward before setting down my phone. "Come in."

My dad steps into my room. "What are you up to, Bells?"

"Homework."

"Good. I'm heading to bed. I have to be at the station at four, so I won't see you in the morning." He knocks his knuckle against my computer desk twice, looking around my room. "So, just make sure you eat breakfast, get to school on time, and keep doing that…homework." He points at my open notebook.

"Okay, Dad." I raise my eyebrows at the vital guidance he decides to give me out of nowhere.

"So…um…'kay." He hangs around, rubbing the back of his neck, and he doesn't look me in the eye. "Well, I guess word got 'round about you going to this dance, and well, someone asked if you needed help with anything—maybe with getting your hair done. I didn't tell her yes. Maybe you've got Esme helping you with that." He swipes a hand across his face.

"Who is it?"

"You know Sue Clearwater? She's got a daughter too."

Sue's daughter, Leah, is a few years older than me. When I think back to the times my dad brought me to La Push, I remember Leah with short hair running along the beach playing football. I doubt Sue got many chances to do her hair, but I always liked Sue. My dad hasn't asked me to go to La Push in years; I can't recall the last time I saw Sue.

My dad starts shifting his feet and looking at me expectantly.

"Wow!" I exclaim with mock enthusiasm. "I can't believe word got all the way to La Push. I must be hot gossip."

He shakes his head, smiling like he knows I'm teasing him. "Yeah, well, guess so."

"You can tell her that I'd love her help."

He nods. "Will do."

"Goodnight."

"Night, kid." He pulls my door closed as he leaves, but he doesn't shut it all the way.

I grumble. Grabbing my phone, I put it to my ear as I get up to close the door. "Sorry."

"You were right," Edward says.

"I usually am," I tease. "What about?"

"Birthday wishes."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm coming over at four in the morning."

"K," I say, giggling. "I should go shower and go to bed then."

"I'll go shower too. Don't think about that _too_ much," he says.

I smile and get off the phone, knowing he'll be thinking about our showering at the same time just as much as I will.

.

Sleeping is futile. I toss and turn, watching the clock, willing the minutes to pass, and wishing for sleep to claim me. I must doze off at some point because the next thing I know, I get a text from Edward telling me he'll be here in ten minutes. After making sure my dad is gone, I hurry to the bathroom and brush my teeth, run back to my room to get out Edward's present, and go downstairs to wait for him.

As I wait, I walk the straight lines that border the rectangular runner rug in front of the door with my arms stretched out like I'm on a balance beam. Ten minutes is a _long_ time.

If I wasn't right here by the door, I would have never been able to hear the knock. Opening the door in one swift motion, I step outside to meet Edward and wrap my arms around his neck. His shirt is damp from the sprinkling rain.

"Happy birthday," I say, squeezing him tighter.

"It's already the best birthday." He walks us back into the house and closes the door, careful not to wake up Emmett, but I don't care. Emmett wakes me up all the time.

"Do you want breakfast yet?" I ask.

He secures his arms around my waist. "No, let's go back to sleep."

"Okay. I left your present in my room. So…" I trail off, pulling him toward the stairs.

"Can't wait." He smiles, holding my hand as we ascend the stairs.

Once in my room, I hold the gift box in both hands, shifting it up and down as I tease him. "You don't want this now, right? We should sleep. You're too tired for presents."

He snatches the box away and rips it open before I can get it back. His grin is wide. "Perfect," he says, before dotting my face with kisses and thank yous.

I'm glad he likes it.

I wrap my arms around him and his shirt is damp enough to be uncomfortable.

I pull on his sleeve. "Take this off. You're all wet."

He gives me a suggestive look before pulling it over his head. "I left my car at Jasper's in case your dad does a drive by."

I sit on my bed, scooting over to make room. "Oh, were you at Jasper's house when we were on the phone last night?" It didn't sound like it at the time.

He flicks off the light, leaving the room lit up by the street lamp outside.

"No, but I can't leave my house at four in the morning," Edward says, laying his shirt to dry on the back of my computer chair.

"Makes sense." I shrug, knowing Jasper's mom cares about nothing, while Edward's cares about everything.

"His mom was still awake when I left though."

"Fun," I say, scrunching my nose. "What did she say?"

"Have fun." He climbs onto the bed beside me.

"That's awkward."

"It's weird, but it is what it is, and now I'm here."

"Was Jasper mad you left?" I ask, not being able to imagine using one of my friends like that.

"No, do you know how many times he's left me alone at his house? At least I told him what was up."

I laugh. "Okay. If that's how it is."

"It is. Will you put this on me?" He hands me the necklace, turning over so his back is facing me.

I slide the chain around his neck, secure the clasp, and kiss between his shoulder blades. "Hey, lie down on your stomach. I have an idea." I nudge him before climbing over him to grab a bottle of lotion.

"No, what are you doing?" He lifts up on his arms.

I hold the bottle for him to see. "It's just lotion, relax."

He lowers his elbows, looking skeptical. "But what are you going to do with it?"

"Birthday massage. Lie down!"

"Shh!" He looks at the wall as if he'd be able to see if I just woke Emmett up. When he's convinced Emmett's not awake, he lies down with his arms at his sides.

I straddle his hips, causing my bed frame to squeak.

After twisting off the cap and setting it down, I turn the bottle over.

Edward lifts his head. "Wait."

I right the bottle, unsure as to why this is so complicated. Going sans lotion may have been a better idea.

"I like the way you smell, but I don't want to be drenched in it." He strains his head back to look at me. "I can't go to school smelling like fruity flowers."

"It's cucumber melon," I say, turning the bottle back over and squeezing.

He hisses at the cold. "A fruity vegetable." He huffs, but lies back down, giving in as I start rubbing in the lotion.

Kneading the contours of his back, I experiment with different pressures and movements. When I press my thumbs along his shoulder blades, he groans, so I do it again. I go down his spine and up again, paying extra attention to his neck.

"Am I doing okay?" I ask, reaching for more lotion.

"Yeah, but I want to do it to you."

He starts lifting up, so I move to the side so we can switch positions.

As I lie down, Edward stops me, tugging my shirt up a few inches. I nod as I sit up. With my arms crossed in front of me, I pull the shirt off in slow motion over my head, bringing it back down in one hand and letting it fall to the floor.

I catch his eyes with mine before his start to wander. The corner of his lower lip is held between his teeth. Leaning forward, I kiss the side of his mouth that's free, and then the one that isn't, drawing it out.

Rolling onto my stomach is a natural flow of movement, and his hands cover the expanse of my back. He doesn't bother with the lotion. He straddles me the same way I had done to him, but he keeps his weight off of me.

I feel the heavy feeling that comes with lack of sleep. There's a dull headache in my temples, but it's worth it.

As soon as he applies pressure, it feels so good that I whimper.

"Shh," he says, but he's laughing.

He finds places I didn't know were hurting until he started kneading into them.

He moves his hands up my back and under my bra. "You sleep in this? It's really tight."

"I feel weird without it. Keep rubbing my back there though. It really hurts."

"Yeah, because it's squeezing the life out of you. Every time you're mad, I'm blaming this. You can't possibly be happy right now."

"Mmm hmm," I moan as he massages. "I'm miserable."

He tugs on the back of my bra. I feel the lack of restriction as soon as he gets it undone, the tightness in my chest at the exposure, and the flutters in my stomach when his hands go back to massaging my back in the same way as moments before.

His touch is gentle as he caresses my skin. It's a magical, early morning, birthday bliss. No other time or day, no other moment could feel as good as this.

As his hands venture to my sides, moving up and up and up, I'm ablaze with wanting more. I start to roll over and he shifts to give me room to move. Straps are still on my arms from a garment that's barely covering me.

He takes the straps in his fingers as I move my arms to help him slide them off. Mesmerized, he stares. His hands move up my stomach to my chest, blindly feeling what he already sees in the dim light. The room is silent save for our breathing. Hooking my finger on the chain on his neck, I pull him down to kiss me.

He moves to lie beside me—never taking his hands off of me. He's careful, but confident as he explores. My heavy eyes close. I'm learning too. Learning what it's like to be touched like this. What it feels like on the outside and in. It's a sensuality I'd never be able to put into words.

Time moves too fast. My alarm clock screeches at us to go to school. Edward hits buttons as he tries to turn it off. I pull my blankets up around me. I'm not ready to get up just yet. Edward figures out the alarm and joins me under the covers.

There's a rhythmic knock on my door before Emmett opens it. His eyes open wide when he sees Edward with me.

Covering his eyes with his hand, Emmett says, "I'm counting to ten." He turns his back to us.

Edward grabs my shirt and tosses it to me before shoving my bra under the blankets. He scrambles to put on his own shirt, but we both manage to dress before Emmett turns around.

The disappointed or angry glare I expect to see from Emmett is instead a proud smile.

He sits down on the end of the bed. "I guess you're going to need more privacy now." He laughs as he grabs my foot that's still under the blankets.

I feel my face heat up, but Emmett is unfazed.

He nods at Edward. "Are we still playing ball after school?"

Edward doesn't look at him. "Yeah."

"I approved that." Emmett points to Edward's chain. "You're welcome."

Edward laughs as he brings his hand to his neck. "Thanks, Em."

Emmett starts nodding to himself as he hangs his head.

"What's up?" I ask.

He sighs. "Can you talk to Charlie for me later?"

"Why?"

"My uncle called yesterday. He's thinking of having me come down to Portland for winter break. You know how he works for a used car lot?" he asks, and I nod in reply. "He's always working on cars at his house. He said he could use some help. He'll pay me and everything. It'd be cool to get to know him better and make some money. If it works out, I'd go back in the summer."

"What did Dad say?"

"It sounds like he's looking for cheap child labor. It's shady business if you ask me." He groans. "How am I supposed to go when he says stuff like that?"

I understand Emmett's need to go. If I had the option to see my mom, I'd be in the same dilemma. But if Emmett finds a family completeness with his uncle, he may never want to leave.

"You'll come back though, right?" I wring my blanket in my hands. "If you go, you have to come back."

Emmett pulls his head back in surprise. "What? Of course I'll come back. Don't say things like that." He squeezes my calf and then asks Edward, "You want to come with?"

"Sure. I'll talk to my mom about it later."

Emmett laughs. "Never mind, I'll ask Jasper."

Edward shoves Emmett's shoulder. "Shut up. I'll go."

"I want to go." I glare at Emmett for not inviting me.

"Sure you do. Charlie's never going to let you go."

I stick my tongue out at him. He's right, but I would have liked an invite.

Emmett stands up. "I'm going to Rose's. I'll let you two get back to it." He walks to the door, and before he closes it, he says, "Let me teach you this trick I know. You see this thing on the door knob, if you turn it like this, no one can open the door." He closes the now locked door, and jiggles the handle from the outside, proving his point.

Edward falls back on the bed beside me. "Sorry. I should have locked it."

"I don't barge into his room. He shouldn't barge into mine."

We are out of time to go back to doing what we were doing before my alarm and Emmett's subsequent interruption, so I begrudgingly get up and start the process of getting ready for school. My former worry about pulling underwear out of my drawer in front of Edward is no longer an issue, but he is a distraction as he's already ready to go. I'm in and out of my bedroom as I get ready, but Edward spins in my computer chair and talks to me whenever I'm back in the room.

"How often does your dad work early?"

"Not that often."

"Oh," he says, dropping his shoulders. "I'm supposed to ask you if you want to go to Seattle with my mom."

"Okay, are you coming with?"

"No, she wants to do a shopping trip. Dress shopping, I guess." He shrugs. "You don't have to go with her."

I think about the dress I had once hoped to wear to homecoming. I had figured I'd go back and see if I could still get it, but when I look at Edward, and the difference between now and then, I'm not so sure it's still the dress for me.

"Yeah, tell her I'd love to go." I climb onto his lap and lace my fingers behind his neck. Forget that modest dress. The dress I get will be so much bolder.

.

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**A/N**

Hi!Thanks for reading!

My help this chapter: dazzled eyes22, ttharman, EdwardsMate4ever, and TDS88. Thank you all!

I'd love to know your thoughts on the chapter.

.


	23. Chapter 22: Winter Formal

***Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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**.**

**Chapter 22: Winter Formal**

**.**

The décor in our bathroom is nonexistent. There is no color scheme in any room in our entire house. It's just a house and filled with stuff. I've thought about it before, but our lack of décor has never bothered me as much as it does right now.

Today is the day of the dance. I'm sitting on a folding chair in the bathroom while Sue Clearwater takes a curling iron to my hair. Sometimes, she gets too close to my head, and I have to hold in a flinch as it starts to burn. Other times, she pulls a little too hard, but she's quick to apologize. I don't know if this was the best idea, but if I don't like the end result, I know Esme or Rose can fix it.

Sue doesn't talk much. I wonder what she's thinking right now, and why she offered to do my hair in the first place. Although I'm almost positive that my dad is involved with her, and probably has been for years, I don't know the extent of their relationship. This may be my dad's way of gauging my reaction to his girlfriend.

My legs bounce as I grow more and more restless. I feel as though I have been sitting down all day. For at least a third of it, I have been.

"I'm only halfway done," Sue says as she releases another curl. "But do you want to look at it and make sure it's okay so far?"

I stand up so I can see in the mirror. Brown curls cascade over my left shoulder, and compared to the right side of my hair, I can see the transformation. My eyes don't stay on my hair though; they drift to hers. Jet black, straight hair frames her face. I look into her dark eyes and she smiles timidly. I realize as I'm studying her, she's waiting for my reaction.

I smile at her through the mirror. "It's great. Thank you." I sit back down. "I never would have been able to do anything like this on my own."

"I'm glad to help, Bella." She hums as she winds another strand of hair in the curling iron. "You're lucky your hair will hold a curl. If I try to curl mine, it's flat within an hour."

It doesn't make much sense that my dad has never brought her around before. Maybe it was because of me and Emmett or her kids. Maybe it's complicated or her being here now is them taking the next step in their relationship.

She continues to curl as I play with the hem of Edward's button-up shirt that I never returned. I needed something that wouldn't have to be pulled over my head when it's time to change. I was grateful that Sue suggested something with buttons, and also grateful that she helped button it up. With the full set of gel nails Esme took me to get done yesterday, I've been struggling with fine motor skills.

My trip to Seattle with Esme went great. Rose was able to come with us and meet with her dad for lunch. She said the meal would buy her at least a month before he felt obligated to push for another visit. There were a few occasions where I was worried about how Esme would react to some of Rose's more brazen comments, but Esme laughed at all of them, and eventually, I stopped worrying about it. At first, I was timid about picking a dress that Esme might disapprove of, but Rosalie helped make my dress choices look tame in comparison to hers. Still, there were a few that I tried on that had Esme saying, "Oh, my."

The dress I chose is periwinkle blue with a high hem in the front and a sheer layer that goes down to my ankles in the back. Rosalie said it was sexy, but Esme corrected her, deeming it beautiful, while at the same time, flirty. All I could think about when I tried it on was how Edward's hands would feel on my waist.

Sue pins back the front of my hair, sprays it with a final spritz of hairspray, and lets me know she's done. It's perfect, and I let her know how much I love it and that I appreciate her help. I'm hesitant at first, but in the end, I give her a hug.

.

My dad is taking me to the Cullen's so I can finish getting ready and he can take a few photos. Sue stayed at our house instead of going home, further proving that my dad is seeing her. Emmett is picking up Rose and meeting us there. Edward had asked if we could humor his mom by letting her make us a fancy dinner. No one had a problem with it; we also didn't consider it humoring her.

I lay my head back on the headrest in my dad's police cruiser. "Can you turn on the siren?"

He glances at me with one eyebrow raised. "You haven't asked me to do that in years."

"I know. I was giving it some time so that you'd actually do it when I asked." As we turn a corner, my body shifts toward the door. I look at the backseat to make sure my dress hasn't fallen to the floor. I'm relieved that it hasn't; otherwise, we'd be pulling over.

My dad turns on the siren just long enough for it to chirp. I roll my eyes but smile at his effort.

"So, Sue's nice," I say while looking at my nails. These hands don't look anything like mine. "I'm glad she came to help me."

"Yeah, I'm glad you like her." He fumbles with the radio, ending the conversation.

.

My dad shifts his feet as we stand in the Cullen's foyer. He's been here many times before as a friend but never as the girlfriend's father. I can sympathize with how he must feel. He looks around a lot, and though he's uncomfortable, I'm glad he's here.

We got a shouted "come in" from Esme when we arrived. Now, Esme steps out of the kitchen, wearing a floral apron, and says, "Go ahead and head upstairs to change, Bella. I need about twenty more minutes in here. Charlie, Carlisle's out back."

I go up the stairs while carrying my dress in a garment bag draped across my arms. I set it on the bed in the room across from Edward's and then head to his room. His door is ajar, so I knock, nudging it open further.

His room is cluttered with clothes, and his bed looks like he threw his comforter over whatever disarray is present underneath. I find Edward in his bathroom, standing in front of the mirror.

As I approach, I say, "Hey."

He leans back to look out the door. "Hey."

"Can you help me?" I step into the bathroom where a few different hair products are on the counter.

"Yeah." He squirts gel in his hand and then washes it off. "All of this stuff is gross. What do you need help with?"

"I can't unbutton this shirt."

He drops the offending gel bottle in the waste basket before stepping toward me. "Is that right?"

I nod while holding my nails out for him to see. His fingers find the buttons while his eyes stay locked with mine. Edward's wearing a black shirt similar to the white one I'm wearing now. It looks more formal than I expected. This dance isn't as big of a deal as homecoming or prom, so tuxedos aren't necessary, but I wonder how he got out of wearing that sweater vest Esme was certain would go perfectly with my dress.

I forget about sweater vests as he gets to the last button, and my shirt falls open more than it would have on its own. His eyes stay on mine, but the shirt keeps opening wider.

"Is that all?" he asks, glancing down.

"For now." I turn around and walk out of the room, holding my shirt together in case someone comes up here before I make it across the hall.

Once I'm in the other room with the door closed, I take off my clothes and pull my dress out of the bag, holding it up to myself in a way I have already done many times. I step into it and relish in the way the sheer material feels as I pull it up my body.

There's a soft knock on the door. I hold my dress up with one hand as I open it.

"Need some help?" Esme asks, and I turn so she can zip my dress. "I convinced Edward to wear a tie that matches your dress."

I can hear the teeth of the zipper closing.

"That will look nice," I say as Esme turns me around.

She steps back and looks me up and down approvingly. "I thought so too, but it's not going to happen. He thinks it's purple. Even though the tie is blue, I thought it was okay in this day and age for boys to wear purple, but not Edward. I blame his father."

I laugh, but shake my head to cover up the fact that I find it amusing rather than annoying as she seems to.

"And the sweater vest, that was the original plan, is missing." She smooths her hands from my shoulders down my arms. My dress is strapless—there is nothing for her to smooth, but she does. "I ironed it for him last night, but he lost it already. I apologize. I hope you can take him as is."

"I think I can manage that."

Esme looks at my dress and my hair in a trance; the doorbell rings and she shrugs out of it. "You look beautiful. I might have just the thing you need for the final touch."

I follow Esme to her room and wait patiently as she looks through a jewelry box that is more like a miniature dresser. She turns around, holding out a silver chain that holds a blue snowflake charm.

I reach out and touch the charm, lifting it with my fingertips, feeling its weight. "It's perfect." My voice is airy.

Esme helps me put it on. The chain is cold around my neck and presses against my throat as she clasps it. It's a twenty-pound weight on my heart, suffocating me, but I'd never take it off.

"Thank you," I say once she's done. "For everything." I move my hand to the necklace.

"Oh, honey." She pulls me in her arms. "Keep the necklace. It suits you."

I return her hug, and try to relax into her warmth, but I'm afraid I'll cling to her and not let go. As I inhale her floral perfume, I start to feel overwhelmed. I can't understand how so much compassion can exist in one person and be void in so many others. How can this woman, who isn't my mother, care about me in such an unconditional way while my own mother was so quick to walk out on me?

Emmett's loud voice reaches us from downstairs, giving me the reprieve I need.

Esme adjusts the necklace around my neck. "We better get down there."

"I'll be right down," I say, excusing myself before I head to the bathroom.

I put down the maroon-colored lid on the toilet and sit down. Resting my elbows on my knees, I hold my head up with my palms. I don't know what I'm nervous about, but I think that's what I am. Taking deep breaths, I decide I'm just not breathing right, and it's making me lightheaded. Having this day happen, and having so many people make it so perfect even before I go to the actual dance, is a lot to take in. I feel jittery and then laugh to myself as I think, _I should never get married. I can't even handle a winter formal._

"Bella," Rosalie says from the other side of the door.

She comes in and closes the door behind her. "Everything okay?" Her hair is twisted up, and her white dress is even lower cut than I remember it being.

I sit up. "Yeah."

She pushes my hair off my shoulder. "Are you nervous?"

I wipe my sweaty palms on my knees. "A little."

"Is there anything in particular that you're worried about?"

I shake my head. "I'm just taking it all in."

She squeezes my arm above my elbow. "Okay, I'll give you some time to yourself. Let me know if you need anything."

I nod. "Thank you."

I try to sort my thoughts from Sue to Edward to Esme. I have to process it all, and it's not working. The glint of a gold picture frame catches my eye. There's gold and maroon all over this bathroom—in the form of hand towels, rugs, a soap dish, and a vase filled with pinecones that are painted gold. I lean forward on my elbows again, and my tears start falling from my eyes to my knees. I don't know why I care so much about décor of all things.

The door opens again, pulling me from my thoughts.

Edward comes in, closes the door, and looks at me with worry creasing his features. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I swipe at my eyes, trying to make it true.

He gets down on his knees in front of me. "What's wrong?"

I don't really know. "It's just really pretty in here." I laugh because I know it's weird, but it was my final straw.

"Because you're in here," he says, wiping under each of my eyes with his thumb.

"Because _you're_ in here." I push my fingers through his hair, and I can tell that it's free from all the products he was considering.

Raising his eyebrows, he says, "Is this about that tie? My mom said you'd be disappointed. Do you want me to wear a purple tie? I will." He holds both of my hands in one of his.

"No, I'd just pull you around with it," I say, tugging on the collar of his shirt to demonstrate, pulling him closer until his lips are pressed with mine, and he's melting away all my worries.

"Mmm." He moves his hand to my knee. "You're just kidding with this dress, right? You wouldn't do this to me."

"What am I doing?" I look down at my dress.

He gives me a mischievous smile before lowering his head down to my leg and bringing his mouth halfway up my inner thigh.

"Ow!" I flinch as he sinks his teeth into my leg.

"Sorry," he says as he rubs where he just bit with a big smile on his face. He's not sorry at all. "I would have thought about doing that all night. It didn't hurt too much, did it?"

"No," I say while shoving his shoulder. "But you should warn people before you do things like that."

He eyes my other leg. My mouth opens as I wait for him to do it again. When he moves down, sensations shoot up my leg before he even gets there. His lips are on my leg, and I hold my breath as I wait for the pain. There's no bite this time. Instead, he gives an open mouth kiss to my thigh. I have to take a deep breath to make up for the one I held and then another one when he doesn't stop kissing.

"We need to get downstairs," he says while wiping my leg—this time, because he got it wet.

I stand up and check my legs, worried there are marks. When I stand, my dress covers more of my legs than when I was sitting down, leaving nothing to worry about.

Downstairs, Carlisle is waiting with a periwinkle tie held out in his hands. "Just until after you leave," he says to Edward as he tilts his head and raises his eyebrows in a way that his authority is not to be questioned.

"Fine," Edward says before he allows Carlisle to tie it around his neck.

Esme has us pose for pictures before we eat, so my dad can get home. Her smile is beaming as she clicks her camera, capturing each position from different angles. We switch off between photos of all of us, couples, Rose and me, and Emmett and me. Esme doesn't stop snapping photos even when we aren't posing for them. My dad takes a few here and there as he tries to keep up with her. I feel bad that he's stumbling through this, but I appreciate his effort.

I hug my dad before he leaves, and he reminds me that he'll be home tonight, which is why Emmett has set up to stay with Edward, but really, he's staying with Rosalie. Emmett's actual words were, "I'll probably stay with Edward or something." Rose's mom has never had a problem with Emmett being there. Rose said Edward and I could stay at her house as well, but we both agreed that it would be weird.

After my dad says goodbye to Emmett, he puts his hand on his shoulder and asks Carlisle, "Are you sure you can handle him?"

Carlisle laughs. "We'll manage."

I'm sure Carlisle just means for right now and not the whole night that my dad is referring to. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if every person in this room knew that Emmett is staying at Rose's tonight.

Esme ushers us to the kitchen, grinning and excited. Dinner is as beautiful and delicious as I knew it would be. Even Emmett slows down to enjoy and appreciate Esme's work.

Before Emmett heads out with Rose, he bows toward Esme. "Can I get a business card?"

She blushes, shushing him, but nevertheless, she gives him a card.

When it's our turn to leave, I brace myself as Esme pulls me into another long hug. I don't want to cry or be emotional, but it's difficult. She's so nurturing that I stop resisting her pull and close my eyes.

"Hey, you're hogging her," Carlisle says, breaking the moment before I have the chance to get lost in it.

Esme lets me go, and I'm immediately getting a loose hug from Carlisle. "Let me know how long he keeps that tie on, will you?"

I agree, laughing.

Edward pulls me away before Esme can start another round of hugs.

"Have fun!" Esme stands in the doorway as we walk to the car. "Keep your shirt tucked in."

Edward grumbles, and I can't hold in my laughter.

Opening the passenger door, Edward shakes his head at me. "It's not too late to ask her to be a chaperone."

I laugh harder. He scoffs, closing the door after I'm inside.

Edward sits down in the driver's side of the car. "I'm glad you think this is funny." He pulls on his tie, moving it back and forth as he readjusts it.

I wave to Esme as we drive away. Although I've felt at ease for a while, once we're out of sight of Edward's house, my jitters come back. I start thinking about actually dancing with Edward, and I don't know that I want to dance. I can't imagine Edward dancing either.

He grabs my knee. "What are you thinking about?"

I pull on the strap of my seatbelt and let it snap back against me. "I hope you're not expecting me to dance."

He looks at me and starts laughing. "That's kind of the point, isn't it?"

This is what it feels like to be on the other end of being laughed at by Edward. Crossing my arms, I almost say no, but he's right. "I didn't think about that part," I say while glaring at him.

He stops at a stoplight and turns to me for a moment. "What did you think about?"

"Going with you, dressing up…" I shrug my shoulders. "…and you know, going with you."

The left side of his mouth lifts. "You'll be fine. We'll figure it out."

He holds the wheel in one hand and laces his fingers with mine with the other, easing my nerves for the second time today. I know I'll be fine. I just need to let loose. Maybe someone will spike the punch.

.

The gym is transformed into an attempted winter wonderland. There are blue and white balloons and streamers and paper cutout snowflakes throughout the room. There's a bucket filled with ice and water bottles. I frown at the absence of punch before looking around for our friends.

Edward guides me across the room with his arm around my shoulders. "You look mad."

"I just thought there'd be punch," I say, hearing the bitter bite in my words. I thought punch at dances was a given. There's a cop here anyway, making spiked punch a really bad idea.

He laughs as he pulls the tails of his shirt out of his pants. I shake my head, knowing his tie won't last long either.

There's a mosh pit of dancing by the DJ, and I can't tell who is who or even how they are dancing. We find a table and mingle with friends and people who aren't really friends. Rose and Emmett are an hour late, and her hair is now down and Emmett's tie is crooked. I pull his tie back into place, clicking my tongue, but I don't ask for an explanation.

Rosalie drags me to the middle of the dance floor, and we dance like we would if we were alone in my room, not caring about anyone else. The song switches to a slow one, and everyone finds their dates. I look back at our table for Edward, but he's gone. I feel bad that we'll have to sit this one out. I start walking back to the empty table to wait when someone grabs my hand.

I look up to see Edward as he pulls me closer. Our bodies are pressed together so close that my hands clasp my opposite elbows when I wrap my arms around his neck.

"I thought you would have taken your tie off by now," I tell him as I finger it under his collar.

"I'm still waiting for you to pull me around with it." His breath is warm against my neck.

We sway to the music. Edward's hands don't stay still. They move along the material of my dress as if he likes how it feels just as I hoped he would.

The song ends and a faster one begins. He loosens his hold as he takes a step back, but I grab his tie and pull him back to me. Now that we've started dancing, I don't want to stop.

Eventually, Edward does lose the tie. The cuffs of his shirt get unbuttoned and rolled up too.

Emmett cuts in during the next slow song and makes a production out of dancing, extending our arms out as if this were a waltz. Laughing, I let him lead me in dramatic movements.

He spins me under his arm when the song is over. "I think we're going to head out."

"Of course you are." I hug him. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Emmett steals Rosalie back from Edward while I get a gentle tap on my shoulder.

I turn around to Angela and Ben.

Angela leans close to my ear. "I'm…we're…well, we're…"

"Leaving?" I ask, helping her out.

She bites her lip and looks down before nodding to the floor.

"Have a good night." I wave to Ben as Angela pulls him away.

It seems that at least half of the attendees have already left by the time the last song is announced.

A ripple of goose bumps rushes over me. I push myself closer to Edward, wanting to feel him all over, needing him even, and no longer knowing anything else.

"Let me stay at your house," he says, pulling back until we are face to face.

"You can't be at my house when Emmett is supposed to be at yours." I bite my lip to keep from offering to sneak out. A glance at the officer by the door squashes the idea. I'd never be able to get out.

"Why do I do these things for people?"

"You're a great friend."

He leans his head on mine. "Will you come over on Sunday? My mom has a thing out of town, so…"

"I have a project." I don't think I can get it all done if I go. I move my hands from behind his neck to his shoulders.

His fingers move up the back of my arms. "Bring it."

I nod, knowing I'll be spending all day tomorrow attempting to get it done.

Before we leave, Edward ties his tie around my neck. "This looks better on you."

Esme's necklace and Edward's tie are both secured around my neck. It's the heaviest comfort I've ever known.

.

.

* * *

**A/N**

Hi!

Thanks to everyone that reads!

Thanks to dazzled eyes22, ttharman for prereading and EdwardsMate4ever and Gigi Scott for betaing!

More soon. Keep an eye out for teasers at The Fictionators.

I'd love to know your thoughts on the chapter.


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